Do you do small talk?

[littlemousewithcrocson]

I never really understand what people mean when they say they don’t like doing it. Don’t we all do it instinctively whenever we meet someone we have to interact with? What would you rather do in that circumstance?

My dad once asked me how I could "do" small talk, as he couldn't! I'm good at it if I'm in the mood. Sometimes I just don't want to! My husband goes from small talk into talking at which drives me mad! He can't do just general chat, he launches into a subject, then goes in depth. I drag him away when I see the recipients eyes glaze over, usually within about 5 minutes!

Best flight I had was when I was travelling alone and someone asked me a question in the airport, answered it and made small talk which turned into proper talk, then we sat next to each other (back in the days when you just picked your seats in Ryanair as you got on) and chatted the entire flight. Never had a flight go by so quickly!

I am AUDHD and if I was asked those questions, I would probably be irritated at first and then realise I had an ‘out’ as they all allow one word answers to shut the convo.

I realise people think I am being an asshole for the sake of it but, when it comes to social interactions with people, my brain works on logic, rather than emotions. Which is kind of weird but I hate insincerity and find it patronising that someone is speaking to me to try to make me feel interesting.

My small circle of friends are people I have instinctively and instantly clicked with on some level (some of whom certainly have AuDHD traits or accept and embrace them in others). I would do anything and everything for them. But outside of that. I don’t want to walk through the pointless ritual because it doesn’t feel genuine iyswim

I get that!

My friends are also colleagues or ex colleagues from one workplace. (I left and stayed good friends with some of them and then went back, which showed me they were genuine friends rather than people I worked with and liked)

They don’t judge my ND and like me (not sure whether it is despite it or because of it 🤣).

Me too, I would say hello, smile, return the briefest of chats and then get on with my own life/work/book/music/podcast for the remaining 11 hours and 50 minutes.

I've done a few of these long-hauls alone, and lone female travellers tend to attract our fair share of wanted and unwanted conversation.

It really depends on the circumstances. If I want to tune out for 8-12 hours I can do so without difficulty with headphones, a phone to read from and a laptop/Ipad to work on. I've had someone trying to make a nuisance of himself, trying very persistently to make me answer his questions as to where I was going when we disembarked in Canada. My warning klaxons sounded that time and I refused to engage, telling him firmly I was working and not up for a conversation, thank you. On one return flight I agreed to exchange seats for a couple to sit together as I was alone and being offered a like-for-like aisle seat about three aisles down. I ended up sitting next to an intelligent middle eastern gentleman and having a really interesting conversation about politics before the flight settled down for the night.

On one occasion I chatted with a woman all the way to Sheffield - about local interest mainly - and halfway to London shared a conversation with a businessman all about the evils of AI.

These journeys passed very pleasantly. But I'm not always in the mood to chat - either because I feel like being quiet or am working - and that's okay too. The really bothersome times are always when men refuse to take a polite refusal to engage badly and become abusive. I've met my fair share of those, too. The type I conversed with I'm fairly certain wouldn't have done that, which is the reason I was talking to them.

A silent long-haul is no great hardship to me either way.

This. I met my closest friend over 30 years ago because she is good at small talk whilst I'm a moody cow. She was serving in local shop and took the time to be nice. More of a sister than a friend been together so long. Best thing to happen to me :-)

So is that why you do it? I imagine it’s rare that it will ‘literally save them’.

A few posters have said that they talk to people to try to make them feel important and noticed.

Others claim they find people interesting.

But like another person said, it’s like reciting the lines of a play, it feels meaningless and insincere

I do see what you mean! But I've found they work really well with usually co-workers I don't know well, enough to keep a friendly ish rapport. And I have no issue with people shutting a conversation down if they don't want to have it. They're also situation dependent, I wouldn't start a conversation with "any plans for the weekend", that's more when I can tell someone expects me to speak to them but there's nothing to comment on.

I've still got coworkers I've established that I don't speak to but give a quick smile to and that's good enough for both of us!

Ah that makes sense- thank you

Like most things, some people find it easy and some don't. For me it is learned behaviour, but you don't become good at things without practising. I can work a room with the best of them when I need to. I prefer my own company, but recognise that personal interactions are important to keep society rolling along smoothly.

I’m terrible at it, both my parents are too but I think they’re unaware that they are, my mum will talk incessantly about herself but never ask the other person any questions and my dad makes it clear he’s not interested in other people so he doesn’t see the point in going through the motions, so I never learned properly. I sometimes google questions to ask for small talk if I know I’m going somewhere it will be required because I want to be good at it, but it doesn’t come naturally.

Someone new started at work yesterday so I tried to engage him in small talk because I didn't want him to feel unwelcome (after I spotted him silently watching the people who were supposed to be training him who were also silently working!) But I had to give up because he wasn't joining in, can't small talk by myself.

If it was his first day, those who were training him were ignoring him… do you think there’s a tiny possibility that he was incredibly nervous and didn’t feel able to engage?

They weren't ignoring him as such, they just struggle to talk to new people so I went over and helped and showed him what to do and he was alright then but later when I had him help me he was very quiet. But I tried to ease his nerves, took him to get his tools and had him help me with my work in the afternoon but still very quiet. Perhaps when he feels more settled in he'll talk more.

Possibly. It’s unreasonable to expect a new person to be all jolly and chatty. Apart from anything else, when going to a new job, I found it’s best to be fairly quiet for the first week while you suss out the politics of the place

Yeah I was fairly quiet when I first started so I could get a feel for what kind of people I was working with, what kind of chat goes down well and what doesn't etc. He talked more today though now that the others were more comfortable with him so were chatting to him and asking questions (important ones, like does he have any pets), so I think he's settling in alright.

I like it and think I am fairly good at it, but I do like it to move onto proper chat fairly quickly or not at all. It can be stop and start e.g. if you are on a plane you can chat for a bit, stop for a bit, start again. I'd never persist if someone clearly wasn't interested or comfortable, but luckily a fair number of people are and I have had some really interesting discussions with total strangers on trains, planes etc. I have to say it would be disappointing to sit next to someone on an 8 hour flight and never get beyond "excuse me please", to me it's such a wasted opportunity.

What I don't like are totally open questions, someone on the first page said they say something like "what's been keeping you busy", that is the one sort of small talk that is likely to fall flat with me, I wouldn't know where to start and would probably end up saying "oh you know, this and that" as if I wasn't interested in talking. I prefer a comment about the weather, news, delays in whatever we're doing, more context then you can get move the chat along more easily.