Do you do small talk?

[littlemousewithcrocson]

I never really understand what people mean when they say they don’t like doing it. Don’t we all do it instinctively whenever we meet someone we have to interact with? What would you rather do in that circumstance?

ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗᶦᵐᵉˢ

Well, yes, but I can still make small talk, because I don't necessarily need the person in line next to me at the coffee place to know that 😂. I'd much rather they thought of me as the woman with the cool trainers who thinks a cortado is better than a latte even though they prefer a flat white (which is the kind of small talk I think is preferable in the coffee line).

Take a book and tell them you don't feel like talking.

Was it Sartre who said "Hell is other people".

I'm neurodivergent: he was right.

I can do it, because I've been taught how to do so (think Professor Higgins teaching Eliza Doolittle, and the Ascot scene). But that does not mean I enjoy it.

Yes. I think it’s a needed skill to be able to chat to just about anyone for an hour. Those dinner parties when you don’t know your dining neighbours or work/industry dinners, even a plane journey! It doesn’t mean an hour of talking about the weather - if you can find a mutual interest so much the better - but talking about current events or property values/schools/movies/books/food surely you can talk about that for long enough! Usually it’s just ten minutes at a party or whatever. Even my kids are good at it and one is a committed introvert!

I think it’s a needed skill to be able to chat to just about anyone for an hour

An hour!! 😱 I feel I’ve done well to chit chat to a stranger for 5 minutes.

To people who say they have learnt rather than it coming naturally… how? Is there a book?

I get most of that, like the work events etc because it’s a social event where it’s expected. But why on a plane?

Surely it’s the last place that you want to risk making someone uncomfortable?

Why would you need to chat to a stranger on a plane for an hour

I loathe small talk, I'm awful at it. Commited introvert with social anxiety here!
I can do it for work purposes (I pretty much put on a persona for work) but suck at it outside of work. I don't even go to work social events because I can't speak to people like I do at work!

Well if you're stuck next to someone for 8-12 hours you're going to want to ease into it with some friendly conversation. That's a long time to rub elbows if you plan to do it in silence!

I hate small talk. I try and avoid it. I wish I was better at it though.

This is why I suspect I'm neurospicy because I'm ok with scripted convos like being at work, or one that involve my special interest. Veer off that onto the standard TV chat, weather etc and I flounder, not helped with the fact I don't watch much TV. However, I loooove a deep conversation being taught some random biology fact, psychology etc. I can see the value in it, it kind of gives an easy opener for people to make deeper connections, but I think because most of what interests me isn't the norm for women it also is very isolating especially in group settings (which I struggle in anyway)

Same here. If there's a specific topic, i.e. a hobby or work related, I'll talk the hind legs off a donkey, but in "normal" life meeting random strangers, I just can't talk as I can't think of anything to say, so it ends up nothing more than a nod or smile followed by embarrassed silence. I've always been like that. I need there to be a common "bond" to be able to relax and chat. Same with neighbours, happy to chat for ages if there's a specific thing to discuss such as a tree that needs cropping or a fence to be replaced or if the neighbour has lost their cat, but if there's nothing specific to discuss, it's embarrassed silence again.

The weather - and everybody's health.

'Them'as pinched it, done her in!'

I do it for work and people always think I'm a jolly person but I am convinced I am totally boring them.

Same here. Likewise have always done my utmost to avoid work functions like Xmas parties etc. Yet I have no problems chatting to work colleagues at work. I think outside work, I know colleagues won't want to talk about work, so I flounder about what else to talk about. Even though, at our desks, we'd often chat about holidays, family, etc. To others, it must seem really strange.

I have seen people like that with headphones in and having naps, esp on longhaul. It is always abit awkward when the stranger sitting further in has to wake the person up to go to the toilet though!
Although saying that, last year there was a couple and a woman sitting infront of us. The man and the woman had a good conversation but it went on a little longer and became awkward; it was one of those speaking because we should scenarios, with one party enjoying it and the other friendly at first but then ready to stop after 10, but it going on for 30. 😬

No. I have always been described as "very economical with her words".

It's a good strategy. Give people an opening to talk about themselves and most will oblige. Being interested in others also has the added advantage of not having to talk about myself.

Conferences are easy - any variation on research, the conference theme, or the state of the sector the conference is a part of, will keep any conversation flowing for a while.

When DC was at primary school I'd happily chat to anyone in the playground but was just as happy to stand by myself.

It's a skill, like any other, and can be honed with practice. I appreciate it's not that easy for neurodivergent people, though.

Or you could just keep to yourself and leave them alone?

If someone started chatting to me on an 8-12 hour flight (beyond basics like "excuse me" or "can I use the armrest", I'd feel so incredibly uncomfortable.

I do small talk. I don't think I do it instinctively.

Whether I like doing it depends on several factors, including mood at that moment, how tired/in pain I am, how I feel about the other person, what the topic is, the ratio of listening to talking, how free do I feel to wrap things up if it goes wrong. Small talk can be nice, it can also be really off-putting.

I'm very happy to listen to others - if someone wants to talk about their weekend or an event they've been to or their thoughts on the weather, I will usually be attentive and willing to talk. If someone starts asking questions about me - I do instinctively protect my personal information in person - or at least it's become instinct having been burnt repeatedly. I tend to be fairly brief and then flip it around to the other person if I can.

Not everyone has kind intentions or is just chatting to be social. Some people have an entirely different agenda such as (thinking more office environment, though not the only place I've had this) small talk when they're fishing for information to use against you. Some people who start nice flip on a switch. I've been shouted at in public for giving the 'wrong' answer about my accent, so I've learned to be cautious. I'm slow to warm up to people and feel comfortable discussing some topics that for others are very easy, normal stranger chitchat.

I would far rather discuss with people how often I think about death than discuss anything about my personal background or home life with strangers or acquaintances.

I can do it. I just don’t enjoy it and after a few minutes of small talk I would much rather either move onto a more substantial / personal topic of conversation (but a lot of people don’t like this and find it too controversial) or excuse myself and go do something else

@minipie I am the same.

All my friends are people who I realised I could “go deep” in conversation with after the initial couple of meetings.

Some people are “surface dwellers” and only do small talk. I have no interest in spending time with these people, beyond 5 minutes here and there just to be polite and friendly.

See this is one of the many reasons I don’t fly. Being trapped in a metal tube sat next to someone who wants to chat is my idea of hell - it’s not like you can go and sit elsewhere presumably. I would probably feel trapped into talking and that increases the chances of filter malfunction.

I can do it but I’m not that keen - I don’t have much time for it. Unfortunately I'm too polite to make it obvious 😆
I hate small talk between close friends and relatives. When they do it they just don’t want to know about your life or don’t want to talk about their problems so it’s a sign that in reality you are not close.

If you spoke to me for an hour on a plane I’d feel so uncomfortable. Especially if it was right at the start, I’d be panicking that you’d keep it up for the whole journey 😂