Do you do small talk?

[littlemousewithcrocson]

I never really understand what people mean when they say they don’t like doing it. Don’t we all do it instinctively whenever we meet someone we have to interact with? What would you rather do in that circumstance?

I think this is exactly what answers my question (because I had a specific person in mind who says they hate small talk): she’s not interested in others enough to want to hear what they have to say. This explains a lot.

Ha ha me too! Years ago I was complimented by my friends when we did a speed dating event as I really “worked the room”.

That’s true.

I can bang on for hours.

I find it difficult.. it’s not that I’m uninterested in others… I just find the bit before you’re actually talking about “something” really hard to crack.
I’m quite reserved and i feel like I’m being intrusive/nosey if I start asking people who I don’t know what they did at the weekend etc. But I’m aware that when other people do it they seem friendly/ interested.

I also hate when waiters etc suddenly start asking what your plans are for the rest of the day are just as you’re about to pay the bill. I find it so forced and uncomfortable.

I do it, but I'm crap at it. At one point I accepted that the first conversations with strangers will have to be very boring because you have to go through that to get to the good bits and then I was actually picked up on it when someone said "you're so boring aren't you".

Absolutely not. You've completely misunderstood. Some of us dislike small talk because it is inane and meaningless and performative. I am very interested in other people's thoughts and experiences, but actually getting to substance requires wasting a lot of time and energy on small talk first with many people - and no guarantees you'll get beyond small talk.

I find it easy. I can strike up a conversation with almost anyone, but I will say I can also follow the little cues from those who wouldn't appreciate being pushed to chat. Being able to speak to people can be a really useful skill if you have it.

Exactly. Very much agree with this.

oooh I love a bit of small talk, I can chat shit all day. DH on the other hand.....just doesn't get it 😅

I’m not saying that’s the universal reason for not wanting to do small talk, but it fits in this case.

I really struggle with it. It is hard for me to make friends because of it.

Once again, the extroverts of this world are showing their complete lack of
understanding of anyone who might feel differently. Just because outgoing people like doing something doesn't mean that there's something wrong with people who don't.

Trivial chit-chat for the sake of it with people you barely know (or have never met before and are unlikely to meet again) is excruciatingly dull, and I don't like having to do it.

I dread deep & meaningful talk. That's what I'd call boring.

Trivial chit-chat for the sake of it with people you barely know (or have never met before and are unlikely to meet again) is excruciatingly dull, and I don't like having to do it.

And you think you are morally superior by sneering at people who feel comfortable about talking to people. TBH it sounds like you are jealous of people who don't feel socially awkward.

Yes, this is it.

I hate having to make performative chit chat with people about the same topics over and over again - it’s dull and a total waste of both our times.

I never know what to say, never know if it’s appropriate to try and dive a bit deeper and end up mentally switching off and just saying nothing after a while.

I don’t like small talk - it just feels like a waste of time for everyone involved. I try to get passed niceties quickly, and move the conversation onto something more interesting.

Yes but I've had to teach myself how to do it. I used to not do it at all, not know what to say and make things awkwardly silent or be overly friendly. 3 other family members all diagnosed AuDHD, think I may be too, have just been to the GP.

I now get the need for it to show someone you want to make them comfortable and they're worth talking to, and small talk can lead to big talk.

Phrases I've learned work pretty well:

Any plans for the weekend?

What are you doing later today?

(Someone's walking fast, I can say it as a woman to other women) "Getting your/my steps in!"

Small talk can be interesting though- things people did at the weekend when asked “do anything nice at the weekend?”

• built themselves a sauna
• did a re- enactment event
• was an amateur jockey.

maybe its just me but I found all those those things quite interesting to know more about.

Even if they just went to the gym or the garden centre it can be interesting to find out what sort of garden stuff or workouts they’re into.

I can and do engage in small talk, but I'm autistic and I really struggle if someone veers away from the usual subjects I already know the expectations and social code for. It's not that I don't enjoy talking and relating to people, but instead that I struggle to gauge exactly what people expect from me when it comes to small talk. Outside of my tried-and-tested "scripts", I never know how personal someone expects or wants me to be, how much detail they want, or how long they want to talk for.

It can be stressful, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I think it's worth it to build friendships and relationships, though, and once I know someone pretty well it gets a lot easier.

I find it easy but I am genuinely interested and often intrigued by people. I love to hear about others lives and opinions. I get that some people find it hard but there is a decision to be made, sometimes it's worth doing something that makes us uncomfortable temporarily. People that don't do it and prefer to be unresponsive have made a choice and I will pull back if that's what they want. I think like anything else you can get better at it if you chose to do so. I definitely worked at it at one point.

I think people that say I don’t like small talk, actually mean “I don’t like long dragged out shallow conversations”.

I understand when you meet someone, you do have to do some element of small talk. But if I am speaking to you for about 10 mins and we are not going anywhere, and I don’t know what else to add, and the small talk hasn’t progressed into something inserting - I personally go blank and accept that maybe we won’t have much in common.

I do have people in my life who I’m on a permanent small talk basis with , but it is boring - and I find that we don’t really know eachother.

On the plus side, think how much quicker it will be doing the shopping, It isn’t the job of checkout staff to chat to people. I know some people are lonely but most people just want to get on with their day.

I am AUDHD and weirdly I am good at small talk. It’s part of the masking thing for me. However it’s just so bloody pointless.

Outside of a work context, I just want to be left alone. It surprises me that people just try to strike up conversations with strangers - just why? Is it nosiness? If someone is minding their own business on a train or whatever, why would you start talking to them? Are you really interested in them?

And why do people that do this completely ignore cues to be left alone?

But surely you can judge whether someone wants to talk to you - if you get to the point that someone is unresponsive then you have misjudged it.

To me, small talk is something you do when you HAVE to speak to someone. But it seems to be something that people do to others just because they happen to be sharing a space for whatever.

In many of these situations, talking to someone is unnecessary in the first place.

Not nosiness. I just like it, I'm interested in what people have to say.

Checkout staff don't force you to converse, but it means (meant) a lot to the many individuals who don't speak to anyone all day. My local newsagent says she's getting more chatty customers in, she thinks it's because of the change to self-checkouts.
I know this because I chat with her, of course!