Do you do small talk?

[littlemousewithcrocson]

I never really understand what people mean when they say they don’t like doing it. Don’t we all do it instinctively whenever we meet someone we have to interact with? What would you rather do in that circumstance?

I do it, because I think it's important for building relationships. But I hate it. 😂

I read a really interesting article the other day that said that the people who struggle with it/hate it are not unsociable. But they are aware that it's not 'real talk' and it's almost like being in a play where everyone knows their lines. So it's the almost fakeness of it that bothers them.

It really rang true for me. I like my colleagues but I do not really care what they did at the weekend, for example. But I ask anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

It is a learned skill, I agree and one that I think most people can broadly handle, but MN is such a hotbed of 'omg you people can't do anything'ism there's an extreme overrepresentation of people who hate small talk, people who think being able to to small talk (even if you don't enjoy it) means you're a superficial idiot compared to those who prefer to discuss profound topics, people who think asking if you have any holiday plans is an act of aggression, etc.

I love chatting about the weather. That's always my way in with one and all in terms of small talk. It's not offensive. Everyone can relate to it.

I do, but I don't always enjoy it. It very much depends on who it is with. There's a grandparent I see regularly on the school run who tells me a lot of unnecessary information, such as her adult son's favourite pasty from Greggs and her family's ( who I've never met) health ailments. I go along with it to be polite but if I could avoid it, I would.

I can talk to anyone, anywhere, about anything. I consider it a life skill, and being able to make entertaining small talk makes social situations so much more enjoyable.

Both of my closest friends I met at events where I didn’t know anyone else and just started talking to the person next to me.

I like smalltalk - I see it as a way of being kind - but I also get that some people find it uncomfortable.

Agree with the weather chat, I love a bit of weather talk, or motorway / road talk. I'm not great at conversations in general and tend to be led by the other person - if they go on a monologue about their latest marathon I'll listen and nod but otherwise apart from "lovely day today! Shame it's not going to last" I often can't think of anything to say, if the other person is the same, it is a short conversation.

This only works if the other person enjoys talking. When that’s the case I’m grand but when people are quiet as a mouse and utter tiny answers it’s like blood from a stone

Not if I can avoid it.

It’s an essential part of being an adult. Obviously some neurodiversities make it difficult/impossible but absent that….

It doesn't come naturally to all. I have trained myself to do small talk, it really helped with my social anxiety and had helped me meet new people and gain friendships.

Yes. Don't give me too many retired people to speak to as I won't get anything done. I don't have anyone to talk to so I need small talk. And yes, checkout staff saved my sanity when my children were younger.

Some of the work calls I take are from people who are struggling and while I'm not part of the psychological support team I'm still conscious that they might need to off load for a few minutes.

I have various script questions I ask. All learned. And I worry the whole time that I’m missing a ‘go away, I’m bored’ social cue. The fact that DS1 has an autism diagnosis may or may not be related to my way of dealing with small talk.

Although my even greater fear is small talk where I know that I should know the person’s name but have not a clue what it is.

I also don't understand what small talk is. I can chat to anyone quite happily so I assume I do small talk but don't really get what is the distinction between small talk and chatting. We just had some friends over and spent a few hours chatting about our kids, holidays etc. That's the same kind of chatting I'd do with a random mum at the school gates. Maybe all I do is small talk!

Exactly the same here! I literally hide if I see a neighbour as I don't know what to say. Especially when they ask how I am - 'I'm fine, how are you?' - but then I don't know what else to say. But during a recent diagnosis of autism in my son I realise many of the traits he has are like mine.
Although I'm fine if they have a dog - I could talk about the dogs for hours!

I'm sure there's a linguistic theory that small talk (phatic) is our human version of monkeys' grooming each other: creating bonds/ social glue etc.

I've worked with the public since I was 16. I would say I'm grade B small talk, but i know some proper A and A* small talkers.

One of my dc can do it, the other can't.

In fact, ds can be hard work because he can't or won't do small talk. Sometimes you just want to let your mouth work and give your brain some time off, instead of every conversation being an in depth analysis of the state of the world.

@ChagallsMuse“Bit like controlled crying in suits”
Laughed so much at that 😂

I can do small talk but I think with me, I am very conscious not to over share random stuff about my family. I think others must tell people every little detail of what they've been doing (like the son's favourite Greggs pasty above!) and I'm aware that might bore the listener so I try to focus on asking questions and hope they run with it. TBH I am quite nosy so I am more than happy to listen to other people!

I remember when I was little and my mum and I would go out shopping, my mum would meet someone she knew a little, like another school mum or someone she used to work with, and they could stand and chat for aaaaaaaages and I'd be thinking, "Hurry up." (obviously didn't say this out loud or I'd be told off for being rude and interrupting the adults). I have no idea what they were talking about but they must have been sharing their whole life stories!

I totally agree with this. There are a disproportionate number of posters on mumsnet who won't answer the door or telephone, who aren't interested in engaging with their work colleagues, who have to have a cap on the number of friends they have and who generally have quite a misanthropic view of other people. They live such isolated lives that it can't be good for their mental health.

Clearly people with mental health issues and/or are ND will struggle, but I feel that only engaging with "my little family" is not a healthy outlook on life.

I find that small talk is a good ice breaker - whether it is about the weather, the news, the awful journey to work due to a crash on the motorway etc, etc.

I will add that it took me many years to become comfortable with talking to people so easily, but throughout my working life I have had to talk to people, first in telesales, then as a sales rep, then to negotiate with suppliers. It then becomes second nature.

I also feel that modern technology makes it far easier for people to isolate themselves. Back in the day we had to pick the telephone up if we wanted an immediate response to something urgent.

Yes. It is a very useful skill to develop and can lead to interesting friendships as well as providing a neutral filter, in social situations, for those people you may not get on with.

Yes I do small talk, and i really enjoy it. My partner finds it difficult and pretends not to see the point of it. As I tell him, small talk sometimes leads to ‘big’ talk. I realise that small talk is a social skill that a lot of people struggle with.

I think it’s quite important with neighbours, my partner used to complain that NDN always wanted to chat if he bumped into him. That neighbour, and his partner, kept us fed in the early mad weeks of lockdown, when we couldn’t go to the shops ourselves because clinically vulnerable, and couldn’t get delivery slots.

Or it could be seen as having a "disability" being able to do small talk like discussing the weather according to the mum of one of DS's friends.....🤨 she genuinely thinks DS has something wrong with him because he can strike up a conversation with anyone when out and about. Her DS doesn't do stuff like this. She finds it strange.

This depends what you're classing as small talk. Discussing the weather really doesn't indicate an interest in other people, it's just filling a potential pause or following a social script.

Asking people about themselves is different but either can be Smalltalk and the second quickly isn't.

This. Im always confused when people say they don't do it. Do they either not talk to anyone at all, or is their every conversation with friends, colleagues and family deep intellectual musings?