Do you do small talk?

[littlemousewithcrocson]

I never really understand what people mean when they say they don’t like doing it. Don’t we all do it instinctively whenever we meet someone we have to interact with? What would you rather do in that circumstance?

I agree with @NorthFacingGardener here. I absolutely can’t stand it when people I don’t know try to ask about my plans for the day as if they’re interested. It makes it so uncomfortable and forced. I just want to pay the bill and leave.

Im rubbish at small talk, my mind goes blank and I don’t have anything to say. I also find it far worse to bump into someone I have known along time as by that point it feels like I should have something more to say than ‘Yeah I’m alright, you? …..’

Is not a case of not being interested it’s more a case of not knowing what to say. There are certain people I meet and can’t talk nonsense with all day long but majority of people I meet i find it incredibly difficult.

Can I ask what it is that you like about doing it? And do you do it just in social situations or would you do it if you happen to be sitting by someone on public transport? And if someone has earphones in, would you try to do it then?

I am genuinely curious because it’s never occurred to me to start a conversation with someone unless it’s to ask a question (‘is this the train to x’, that kind of thing).

I know there are verbally incontinent people, who just won't shut up and don't seem to care whether you're responding or not (!), but most of us are like:

Me: Cheery comment on something banal ...
You: Single-syllable reply.
Me: Mmm. [silence]

We're not that stupid.

Oh but some are exactly that stupid! 😬

I ensure I don’t make eye contact with people while out and about and do my best to give off a vibe of ‘please leave me alone’ but there’s always someone with (your words) a banal comment. And once they have started, it’s kind of too late then.

I like people in general, it's that simple. Almost everyone's interesting in some way. Yes, I am a talker at bus stops and, no, I assume earphones mean you're in your own bubble. Same goes if you're reading/scrolling.

That’s interesting. Perhaps it is my AUDHD, but i always assume that it isn’t done from genuine curiosity about someone, but just the need to talk iyswim.

Although talkers are easier to deal with than talker/touchers. I had to get a rail replacement coach once and some woman was going to sit in next to me - fine. But before she sat down she was stood up waving to someone so in my space: I looked at her and she said ‘I’m just waving to my friend’ and put her hand on my arm.

Apparently asking someone not to touch you is a good way to avoid them striking up a conversation for the rest of the journey 🤷‍♀️😬

I'm with you.

I resent the assumption on threads like this that all socially confident people are unable to read unsociable people and continue with their verbal diarrhea with someone who doesn't feel like talking.

They are perfectly capable of reading the room and understanding social cues, or in this case reading unsociable cues.

I always get the impression that there is an element of jealousy involved.

What on earth do you think we’d be jealous of?

I have zero interest in talking to people when I’m out and about. I’ll respond to a hello or a smile or a quick chat if our dogs are saying hello but otherwise I just want to be left to get on with my day.

Of actually having basic social skills.

I get the preference for “deep and meaningful” but it’s pretty hard to go straight to the meaning of life. Surely the social dance requires some initial (more superficial) exchanges before jumping right in to some big topics. How do you make new friends if you can’t break the ice initially?

However I do think that people misjudge appropriate topics for small talk eg “when are you going to start a family?” is not just making conversation but a deeply personal question that no random acquaintance should ask IMO. Compared to that, I’d FAR rather talk about the weather or the world cup or our respective holidays!

Not all. And not wanting to chat to strangers doesn’t preclude you from being ‘socially confident’.

Ime those people who like to chat don’t bother considering that their nosiness interest may not be welcome, otherwise they wouldn’t approach them in the first place.

Not sure what anyone has to be ‘jealous’ of. I can honestly say I have never thought ‘oh I wish I could approach someone and engage them in conversation for absolutely no reason’ because actually I could. I just think it’s odd that someone would want to.

The assumption that people are devoid of social skills based on that is arrogant. Like the only reason someone doesn’t want to talk to you is that they can’t. I mean, it can’t be because they just want to be left alone because they are ‘talked out’ at work or they have a headache or they have something on their mind. Or they don’t think you are the kind of person they want to talk to for whatever reason

I don’t mind 5 minutes small talk at the school gates etc.

But I refuse to waste longer periods of time with people with whom the conversation is just small talk.

Example - DC does a sport which lasts for 2 hours weekly. The other parents make small talk with each other. I initially hung out with them for a couple of weeks but realised that for me the connections were never going to move beyond small talk. So now I just take a good book / podcast.

Where I have made real friends it has always become obvious at an early stage of knowing them that there is scope to go beyond small talk

It’s not remotely arrogant — it’s based on what you’ve said here and on other similar threads, and what other people have said. You also say you have AuHD.

I haven’t said that I can’t do the social skills. I couldn’t do my job if I didn’t have them.

The fact I have AUDHD (which wasnt diagnosed until middle age) means I’m adept at
masking when I have to. I just don’t want to have to just because someone feels entitled to my time.

Or maybe we just don’t want to talk to people?

I worked retail for years - I can do small talk, I just don’t enjoy it and would rather not bother. It has bugger all to do with jealousy or not having social skills.

I'm with you, I don't start conversations with people I don't know and absolutely hate it if people do that to me. I am pleasant enough, will smile faintly and move on. Bus stops are terrible places for that, banal chat and cackling laughter - about nothing.

Absolutely! Imagine having such a lack of social skills that you can’t understand why someone doesn’t want to engage with you unless it’s a ‘them’ issue 🤣

Ha exactly 🤣

Imagine thinking that anyone who doesn’t enjoy what you do is lacking social skills!

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta, it’s clear from all your threads on here that you would start a fight in an empty room. I’d be very surprised if you were surrounded on a regular basis by small talkers who ‘felt entitled to your time’ while you had an expression that would curdle milk, but, in any case, basic social skills will allow you to halt a conversation you don’t want to engage in, civilly.

Small talk can be quiet and meaningful can’t it? Or is it only loud and shallow?
Everyone can do small talk some people just choose not to as they think it’s beneath them.
I mostly like small talk and more so as I’ve got older

Can do small talk for a few minutes, sometimes much less and then after that I am rubbish!

Oh dear. I have never had a heated argument in my life and there are plenty of people who would disagree with your
rather spiteful assessment of me.

But fair play for showing that my assessment of people like you is spot on 🤣

I do a bit, like on a Monday I'll ask colleagues if they had a good weekend, on a Friday I'll ask if they have weekend plans but I'm not particularly good at small talk. Luckily I'm in Finland and its not generally expected here (though I find people working on tills in the shops are often really into it, and I'll respond of course as I bet they get bored on the tills if no one talks much to them)

I admit I don’t do small talk with people I know - so if someone is a colleague I won’t usually ask about their weekend but if someone is a friend and a colleague then I will - so I ask if I’m interested in the answer iyswim