Do 99% of men think about someone else while DTD?

[Salsa2026]

Just that really. Lots of people, here and in general say things like, “all men fantasise about other women during sex at the very least sometimes”. And when I say all I really mean the vast majority, as there can always be an exception to everything.

If it’s true I think it’s quite grim tbh and makes me glad I’m not in a relationship. I’d want a man to be all about me 🤣

You can't tell though, can you? You can guess and hope and assume. But you'll never actually know. You just believe what makes you happy, and that's fine!

You can tell if he's paying attention!

Christ, some of the people on this thread must be shit in bed.

You know you can look at one thing and think about another at the same time right?

Fair play to you being choosy, as you put it, and that's not something anyone has any right to criticise.

DW and I are very physically into each other and we've been married for decades. But, to be honest, yes, I've fantasised about a lot of other women if my acquaintance while DTD. There is absolutely no need for any of them to know this (and very many good reasons why they shouldn't.) I am not going to intrude on my DW's thoughts either. None of my business!!

Someone else on this thread put it well: she's not thinking of her partner as he's right there with her. A bit of extra fantasy just spices it up a little.

Exactly this. It's not a binary where the other person is either "enough" for you or not.

I'm not insecure enough to think my DP cannot fancy another woman without liking me less! A healthy sexual relationship can absolutely include fantasies about others (doesn't have to). There's no right answer as long as everyone is happy and getting what they want (and everyone remembers not to say the wrong name out loud...)

Each to their own, but if a man wanted to gaze into my eyes, stroke my face and say my name during sex, my bits would snap shut like a bulldog clip. That kind of sex is very much not for me. It’s so interesting how different people are when it comes to sex.

Generally speaking I think the thing that makes it less likely that any man or woman will think about someone/something else during sex is just being sexually compatible with their partner in the first place.

As a woman, if I’m having sex with someone who is actually doing or talking about the kinds of things I fantasise about, my mind is infinitely more likely to be on them. I think the same probably applies to men.

I think there is a prevailing view among Mumsnetters that men should to put a lot of effort into making sex good for women, while women don’t need to make any attempt to be great in bed because men should just be grateful for anything they can get. But if my DP’s sexual repertoire was limited to a relatively narrow range, I’m sure I’d be inclined to think about other men doing other things with me in bed, and I really wouldn’t blame a man for reacting to boredom in much the same way.

@BauhausOfEliott I think there is a lot of truth in that. However I also think there's a difference between "mind drifting off during a mediocre shag" (thought we'd all been there but evidently not) and "fantasy which enhances an already great shag". I have found that during particularly prolonged/varied sessions with people I'm v compatible with (women more often than men tbf) I'm more likely to fantasise a bit, not exactly an "out of body" experience but more like lots of varied thoughts and feelings at once which overall enhance my enjoyment of the sex and are definitely not a reflection of me not being "into" the person I'm with (often quite the opposite).
Also if its really good I sometimes go temporarily deaf but that really is another story 😂

I get it OP. I guess I used to be pretty naive... I always figured you just thought about whoever you were with. I don’t understand how others are so fine knowing their husbands/partners might be thinking about other women as they're being as close and as intimate as two people can possibly be.

If it's a ONS or a FWB where you're using each other for sex and the only goal is release maybe I'd understand.

But with someone you love... I want my partner to be with me, to be in the moment, connected, aroused because of me. Knowing that my partner is inside me and having to think of Shirley down the road to actually make it enjoyable for him or to make him orgasm.... well that's pretty fucking soul destroying IMO.

As long as they are actually enjoying the sex, I don’t see why it matters really.

If it’s every time then yeah, no.

Unless there are evident issues (attraction Insecurities, cheating history, technical difficulties) … then it’s pointless to make yourself paranoid about what another person is thinking.

But don't you want them to be enjoying you?

I don't think about anyone else during - that feels disloyal somehow because I want that time to be about us. I do however have favourite celebs I think about during alone time.

I actually don't think I'll be able to be with a man again - and this is one of the reasons.

I am enjoying her. Letting thoughts flit in and out of one's mind is hardly the same as having one's eyes tight shut while visualising getting it on with, say, AtYourPleasure instead.

Quite. I can have a nice glass of wine while enjoying a plate of pasta, enjoying the wine doesn't mean I hate the pasta or that somehow the pasta isn't "good enough" for me :)

But, to be honest, yes, I've fantasised about a lot of other women if my acquaintance while DTD. There is absolutely no need for any of them to know this (and very many good reasons why they shouldn't.)

So when you where fantasising about the lots of other women... you weren't actually thinking about having sex with them?

Well yes, or things about them. But it's very hard to describe without being really too TMI. The most I can say is - once again - that all sorts of things flit through my mind during sex, including the infamous shopping list.

In RL I have absolutely zero intention of being unfaithful.

I don’t think I could think about someone else unless it was in the dark, my eyes were closed the whole time or it was exclusively from behind. So maybe just make sure you have constant eye contact and do a strange wail every now and then to focus his attention

I'd argue there's perhaps a difference between a flit and a fantasy. If you're literally inside your wife and picturing Barbara down the road... you might be physically with your wife but mentally you're with Barbara. At that point your wife is just, to be blunt, a hole for you to be in while thinking about other women.

I wouldn't disagree with your example and what you say about it. I might even say that if that's going on during sex it does suggest some sort of a problem. But I would also say that fantasies can flit.

I disagree with your last line. A fantasy is usually a detailed scenario or thought process. A flitting, or fleeting, thought comes and goes. An image of someone (or your shopping list) could pop into your head then go as quickly and you're back to concentrating on your wife. Fantasising and imagining your wife as someone else is very deliberate.

😂😂

Yup. This. I've had a lot of great sex in my time, I love it. In my 50s now and with a new partner for the past 18 months I'd say I'm having the best sex of my life and he feels the same. And perhaps it is fairly vanilla for some on this thread but it's absolutely fucking amazing for us. And there is a lot of kissing and looking at each other. Because that's who we're having sex with.

I don’t think about other men as in me with other men.

Sometimes there’s a bit of a role play situation happening in my head where we’re both other people in a different situation. (Generally if I’ve read a book or seen a film that was particularly saucy and is playing on my mind.)

But the vast majority of the time I’m thinking about DH. Also no doubt he’s thinking about me. I’m not sure how or why, but he still thinks my body is the best thing ever and apparently even after 20 years of access to it it’s still as exciting as ever. (He’s never been secret in admitting that my figure is what first attracted him to me, shallow perhaps but worked out well for me.)

I'm very grateful and lucky.

Yes but you at the end of the day, if you’re giving a blowjob and they’re thinking of someone else briefly, there’s nothing you can do. As long as you both enjoy it, doesn’t matter. Unless it’s genuine escapism and he can’t bear to look at you.

I've got a male celeb I masturbate to in my alone time. He might fleetingly cross my mind while I'm having sex with my DH, but it is just that, fleeting. I love and fancy my husband and I'm not interested in looking elsewhere but a bit of fantasy is exciting and can be a turn on. It's normal and harmless.