Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

My autistic DGS was taken to an expensive restaurant by a well-meaning relative as he is usually fine eating out (lots of coping strategies in play). The relative wanted to expand his experiences.

This time he couldn't cope with the food served being different to how his normal food looked and tasted. In his head, he knew what his safe food was, this had the exact same name but wasn't right! Cue a meltdown and now an aversion to going to unfamiliar places to eat. Just an example of how unwittingly aversive experiences can have quite a long lasting impact on some autistic people.

I wouldn't risk it myself, OP, for that reason. It sounds like it's very likely things could go wrong and distress your child. Other posters have some great strategies for building exposure to things etc.

Absolutely agree - this can be an outside option, a shorter option with maybe a play area or similar for him to get away from the table, a home catered option, a private dining room... lots of choices that aren't bringing a noisy and flashing toy to a restaurant to potentially ruin the meals of everyone around you.

I think a couple of things about this....well three actually.

1. it might help to have a quiet non judgemental convo with your husband about this and why he is so particularly stressed by the toy this time? If he fears judgement can you reassure him that you have got his back, that he is being the best father to YOUR child that he can be and basically the judgey areseholes can piss off
2. On from this what is his plan if you go with no toy...I mean in detail how does he think that you both should manage it....gently explore if you think the judgy arseholes will be less judgey about a screaming child?
3. Do you think that, with the best will in the world, you are getting ahead of yourselves? To me it kind of seems that you are going to do the equivalent of throwing a child who is scared of water into the swimming pool but letting him have a blow up bath toy with him. Acclimatisation is an excellent thing to do but in short durations at low levels. A family dinner in a family restaurant sounds way too overwhelming which IMO is likely not just to not help but might even send your child backwards.

I couldn't disagree more. It's perfectly ok for them to arrange a family meal of their choosing , the op should not attend if she thinks it's unsuitable
All get invited but people use common sense when accepting the invite.

Id it's too much for your son don't take him and make it a difficult day for him or anyone else. It's not about the family not accepting him as he is but they are also entitled to do nice things which may not be suitable and you have to back out

My youngest couldn't cope and trying to desensitise him as he aged just didn't work. One day he was 'old enough ' and had more things that could regulate him rather than just 1 thing.

This isn't a military training exercise. It's a family meal. The stress is going to be there from the start from the both of you. None of you will enjoy it.

You're better off doing the building up as a family unit so you can control the time you stay and work upwards. Then try the family meal once the basics are covered.

Neither is ok. He stays at home until there is a better alternative.

You have an autistic child who needs accommodations, I don't see the problem given it's a family restaurant and you'll be with family.

Who's going to judge you, family? Your DH should be putting your DC first over potential judgement from an extended family member.

Your DH needs to woman up because having a child with autism is going to incur a lot more judgement in years to come and he needs to learn to tolerate it. Maybe give him the toy!

Could you put the toy unseen in a handbag - give it a go without trying other methods of distraction and then if that doesn't work bring it out ? Or is it once he gets going there's no stopping the melt down?

I mean I'd try a meal out with you and DH first TBH at a similar place- last thing I'd want is a meal out and added stress of judgemental family on top - the stress would be too much and some kids pick up on that meaning it wouldn't work from the off.

I can't stand this lazy response. You know full well there is a difference between "some environments aren't suitable for some people at certain stages" and "lock up your child so I don't have to look at them."

Stop throwing out cheap emotional blackmail.

Is there anything he’s into like building or engineering? Maybe bringing out a new toy he can do like Lego or something? Mine are a lot younger and not really into colouring or sticker books, but they sit in restaurants quite nicely with the mini magnetic tile sets that we only ever get out for meals out.

tell me you know nothing about desensitisation without telling me.......

He is autistic, not a toddler…

Oh my god do any of you actually have children? Why should he miss out just because he’s autistic? Take the toy! It’s a family friendly restaurant, most parents there will understand, and if they don’t, f them!

Whose criticism does your DH fear @NavigatingASD? Is it his mother or father, or sibling (you mention that it's a family meal)? Might it be that they may have a "problem" in understanding or acceptance, or inclined to be mean and judgemental?

If I was a fellow diner in the restaurant, I know I'd be better able to put up with the noise of a toy like the one you describe than a 7 year old having a screaming meltdown.

However, if it's that a particular person in the party might have an issue with your little boy, and that person needs 'pacifying' in order to keep any semblance of peace, I'd gently suggest that discussions need to take a different turn about that person's need to keep up appearances overruling your son's right to be at ease and with whatever he needs to have with him that brings him comfort around his family.

Best wishes to you. x

I don't think that all occasions need to suit all invitees.

But I do think that IF they would either judge or not adapt, then it's not worth worrying about whether or not they'll make a fuss about the child's non-attendance or behaviour.

I know that - I was asking if there was a compromise between taking the toy and doing without.

Once melt down started with my ND child there was no stopping it but a quiet place but another child was different. Also diratcion works well past toddler years for my DC.

I was asking quetsion about this partciutal austic child and see if there was more options than black and white take phone or don't - FFS .

It's quite likely there will be another child nearby with some level of noise-making, realistically.

However, I would tell your son that the sound will be off, and allow him to play with the toy silently, because I would feel awkward with sound on and that would sap my energy to empathise with him.

Your husband needs to have some self-awareness about whether he is acting from fear of family judgement and make a call as to whether that fear should be guiding him if so. And how does he want to avoid or handle any meltdowns?

On the topic of not going, it would be a shame but it is not so high stakes as needing to introduce him to this situation or he will never adapt to everyday life. Sometimes a child isn't ready, and it can be best to wait. (However, it doesn't sound necessary in this case).

A resturant that advertises itself as being child friendly means that children are welcome to entre and eat food/drink.

It neither advertises or means that any parent taking up the offer has the right to let their children make as much noise as they like and others have to put up with it.

Exactly. This is why I never take my non verbal autistic son to family restaurants.
It's easier to stay at home.

Does dh accept he has an autistic dc or is he trying to front out ds isn't?
Ime you might find the place is full of NT bratty dc on a game on a phone anyway!! And your ds's toy won't be a nuisance at all!! Or the performance parenting tables. Much worse than a toy.

What about family members actually talking to DS? Would being involved in a conversation be sufficient distraction?

Go ahead and let him have the toy. I mean after all him having a noisy toy is only going to ruin the occasion for the rest of the family and other diners nearby. I mean they don't matter do they ? Time to teach your son that sometimes being Autistic isn't a free pass. If he really can't cope without the toy then you either have to stay at home or ask family members and other diners if they mind the noise, most people will accept the noise but you really do have to ask first.

Disagree with the posts on here that seem to think 'family restaurant' means kids can scream their heads off, run around or go on noisy devices without headphones. You still expect children to behave in 'family restaurants.'

I understand you want to desensitise DS , but the time to do that is when it’s just you rather than a wider family group.

I wouldn’t take him. Either get a sitter or one of you stays home with DS.

And start trying different strategies that don’t involve noisy toys? Hopefully you will find something that works. 🤞

This is exactly why I never attempt to take my non verbal autistic son to a family restaurant.