Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

You could take the toy as a back up and only allow it on the lowest noise setting, but if it can be heard by other diners then don’t use it and take DS outside if he needs to calm down.

I think he is worried as he’s not usually this irritated by the toy he has mentioned it before but not like this.

And other diners will have a miserable experience either way

Do you think that will work though? If he is struggles to that extent then do you think gradual withdrawl will help? I can’t slowly phase out stuff that helps me cope and I’m an adult.

Fair enough try to navigate necessary stuff (going to school or whatever) but is this really necessary. But going out for food is not necessarily ‘day to day’.

I function fine day to day most of the time but there are things I accept I can’t do. To go to eat out takes a lot of psyching up and spending the time trying to resist the urge to get up and go home.

And I wasn’t diagnosed until over 50.

It sounds like he’s going to be distressed and nobody in the restaurant is going to have a fun time.

You need to find him another toy or not take him at all. You’re not helping him learn resilience and coping strategies by only having one method of regulating himself.

Can he cope with lots of noise? Because either it’s a child friendly noisy place or a quieter setting.

Could you start off smaller and go to a quiet cafe without the toy, and work up to a busy restaurant over time? It may also just be that he can’t cope with situations like that, and you go to things that he can cope with instead.

I don't think this particular occasion is the time to do this OP. You can practice in other noisy places such as kids indoor soft play where noise is expected.

Also, rather than sticking to this one toy that he likes, can't you try lots of different toys but with headphones. Even a real phone with parental controls or an ipad. It's only the noise that's a problem so you really need to find something with headphones.

We want to at least try as I don’t think I could live with myself if I hadn’t tried to help him. It may not work but we want to keep him in mai steam school and try to increase his tolerance levels for things.

Does your DS enjoy the outing? If so and it’s a family restaurant where noise is accepted then I would say take the toy but keep it on the lower volume if possible.
If he doesn’t enjoy it then I would consider if its
better for everyone if one of you stays home with him.

Don’t take the kid. Either way he’s going to be disruptive.

Is it a child friendly place?

I wouldn’t go
you keep saying it’s a good opportunity but it’s not. If dh thinks family will judge, then they probably will. Dh will be anxious and irritable. You will be trying to look after ds. You won’t both be on the same page and may bicker. Ds will be trying to self regulate. other people may be bothered by the noise. Depending on your family they may get involved unproductively.
It doesn’t seem positive at all.
I would let them go without us and take ds to a restaurant another lower pressure time with his toy if working on this is actually important to you.

I wouldn't worry too much about the other diners in a family restaurant - but I would be concerned about whether you're simply asking too much of him at this point in his life. I think this is something to build up to - he'll get there eventually, but he needs to mature and develop before then and some work requiresd on your and your DH's part before putting him in this challenging environment.

If he has the toy he can zone out so I want to use it but over time gradually reduce the volume etc to help him adjust

I've been in restaurants with noisy toys (from other parents) and tbh it hasn't bothered me. I'm probably more tolerant than most people as I have an autistic adult ds and I've worked with disabled families, so I can usually spot them even if it's an "invisible" disability.

I think it will likely get better in time OP. DS is an adult now and enjoys going to restaurants and doesn't mind the noise, he just sits browsing his phone (tends to read not look at things that need audio).

Headphones agitated him and caused sensory issues also they stop us being able to communicate as effectively

Then it's none negotiable. Take the toy.

So is it the sort of place where you expect loads of children and noise?

He’s ok now at meals if he has the phone . He used to not eat at all but now will have something plain off the regular menu and he is making progress

Long term, An alternative to slow withdrawal might be habit stacking stacking. So he has the toy and something else. Then after a while he gets the something else first for a few minutes then gets the toy. And build up tolerance to only having the something else (that is less disruptive)

As someone with autism and adhd I would not be able to sit in a restaurant with a child playing with a noisy toy. My 3dc who are all also autistic and ADHD cannot tolerate noise from other people but wouldn’t make noise themselves beyond normal conversation. It depends on his level of understanding really as to how you handle things. Mine would have been told that having noisy toys in a restaurant is rude and inconsiderate for other people so we don’t take them. There seems to be a mentality with some people that autistic children can’t learn manners. It depends on the severity of the child’s symptoms of autism of course but some parents don’t even try. There’s a mum at school who doesn’t explain anything about social rules to her autistic adhd 10 year old. He’s very intelligent and rule bound so might respond well if she and her husband tried. Instead he is rude and has no friends because of it. We owe it to our children to raise them to the best of their abilities. If they aren’t capable then that’s different.
Ds struggles and wants to be moving all the time but understands he has to sit at the table in a restaurant and can’t go wandering round. It disturbs other people and is dangerous because hit good and drinks are being carried and he could get hurt or someone else could. I always think if they can sit at school for x amount of time without a screen or noisy toy then they can do it at home with the right coaching. It’s hard, I’m not denying it, and I’ll get flack for my opinion I’m sure but how will they function in society as adults if we don’t raise them to do so (within their abilities)?

How are you going to feel if you have disapproving looks from the other diners, unhelpful comments from your family and possibly even staff asking you to turn the volume off?

Is it going to be a pleasant experience for you all?

Over time reduce the volume? But you said it only has two volume settings, so would it be on the loudest setting for this occasion?

i understand that for some reason you don’t want to clarify what kind of place it is but it would be easier if you did