Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

As people have said, desensitising an ND person doesn’t work like you think it will. It’s not a case of building up to it. And to a PP, It’s also not a case of ‘locking ‘ people up FFS.

Some days I can tolerate some things and sometimes the same thing sends me into a spin.

It doesn’t sound like you think he will enjoy it in any way, in which case he is going to be subject to unnecessary stress (as in fact is everyone else) for no good reason.

Sorry OP but your son’s needs do not take priority over the needs of other diners trying to enjoy their own meals.
He is obviously not ready to be in a restaurant setting.
Gradually introduce headphones while at home or in a park.

Use that face all you like. Don’t you think the OP had considered that?

I’m sorry this is obviously tricky for you and I do understand wanting to build his tolerance. But you can’t use a room full of other people trying to enjoy a meal out as his training ground.

Repetitive beeps and sounds are incredibly annoying, you’re probably used to it if he uses the toy a lot but please don’t underestimate how much it will impinge on others.

Have you tried reducing the volume at home? I’d work on that first and only take him out for meals once a lights-only version is enough to regulate him. Or try cafes where you can leave quickly if the lights-only isn’t working. Or keep trying the headphones.

Tbh there are quite a lot of 7 year olds (NT or ND) who couldn’t manage sitting quietly for a big family meal out in a restaurant, they’d eat their food and then get twitchy and need to go outside after 30 minutes (parents taking turns to supervise). Would this approach work for DS or would 30 minutes without the toy still be too much for him?

As I say, there are plenty of kids who wouldn’t be great in this situation so I don’t think you need to stress about acclimatising him just yet. In a couple of years he may be able to manage a lot more especially if you keep working on things at home which I’m sure you are.

What about other autistic kids that get overwhelmed by too much noise?

Surely you teach your kids manners and to not be noisy or play with noisy toys in restaurants, regardless of whether they’re autistic or not.

Can I just say that generations of our family aged 89 down to 10 months have been going to restaurants all down the decades and no one has ever had a meltdown.

Yes, but the noise may well have the opposite effect on other people in the restaurant!

Gold stars for you all.

Unless its a McDonalds or a Wacky Warehouse having a child with a noisy toy next to me would seriously annoy me.

I think if you want to desensitise him that’s fine but be very careful that this doesn’t mean that other people have to suffer and that it ruins their experience- that’s not fair.

Could you not meet them for a walk afterwards instead and do the de-sensitising somewhere else (ideally without wider family around which surely will just add to the stress).

Exactly this!! 👏👏

I'm sure there's q point in there somewhere. But it made me laugh anyway.

Exactly. Nobody considers that

The ableism on this thread if horrible.

OP, your son has every right to eat in a restaurant.

You're not suggesting giving him a tablet on full blast or allowing him to run around freely, you just want to let him have a toy that makes a little bit of noise in a family restaurant (where people should expect a bit of disturbance from children anyway).

I guess I'd be asking myself what matters more, helping your son learn how to navigate the world or keeping selfish adults happy?

Please don't limit your son's experiences based on the intolerance of others. They could have chosen a more adult setting if they wanted a silent meal 🤷‍♀️

I’m worried if we avoid day to day things that he will never learn to cope with them.

But extended family meals out won't a day-to-day thing, so shouldn't be the thing to make a point of, I'd practice this when it is just you as a family, rather than meeting up with extended members of the family. With those invites just do what you can to minimise disruption, if that means not going then so be it.

You DH obviously tolerates it's use as a means to an end, but is conscious of what other people think about the toy use, and is anticipating comments/looks/opinions, it sounds like a bunch of stress for all of you in fairness, and not an enjoyable experience.

I personally would not be impressed sitting next to a child playing with a noisy phone toy, even in a family restaurant.

It's not ableism to want to enjoy a meal without either screaming child nor a loud toy. His needs do not trump everyone else's comfort ffs

Have you tried putting the toy on the lowest setting and putting a small piece of tape over some or all of the speakers? It may make the lowest setting inaudible to people on other tables.

Your own ableism is showing. The very noise that calms him can have the opposite effect on other ND people and cause massive distress. There is more than one type of ND.

I'm also interested as to why family restaurant seems to mean you can scream at the top of your lungs or play noisy toys at a table!

If it's a truly kids orientated place with a soft play/outside play area within it, I would let him take the toy and use the toy ONLY in the outside play area or in the soft play area (if he won't play on the other things provided).

The toy should not be allowed at the table, it's selfish to other people paying lots of money for dinner out.

If your son will only sit quietly if he 'zones out' using a toy, then is he really getting any enjoyment out of going out for dinner with you all? Are you, or any other family members, getting any pleasure from his company, when you have to let him either zone out on a noisy toy, or scream the place down?

I work in a restaurant and see a growing number of children who can 'only' be in a restaurant if they play tablets full blast, and sit glued to them ignoring everyone around them. It's sad, but it's also annoying when I have to field complaints from neighboring tables.

Rather than risk spoiling the meal for yourselves and fellow diners why not leave the child with someone for a couple of hours?

Not all bairns take to headphones.

There's a distinct autistic kids should be locked away from normal society tone in this thread.

The idea will probably work but maybe not the best occasion for this one because theres tension before it even happens.

I think at this point id say screw it and take the phone just reading some of these posts.

Exactly!

As someone with AUDHD, are you suggesting that I shouldn’t be able to go out because I find noise distressing?

Ugh, stopped reading after the first few replies. Take the toy and let your child have a nice time. The world is for everyone and the few that said to leave him at home or have someone else should have him for a bit need to stay home themselves if the noise of a child gets up their noses.

Actually I didn't say that. I have an autistic daughter who is super triggered by noise and sounds. So this toy might stop one meltdown but cause another. And it will absolutely annoy anyone within earshot / view with flashing lights and noises.

There is a huge amount of space between 'supporting a disabled child to engage with their family in public' and 'spend an hour of your life paying lots of money to listen to beeping and who knows what other noises'. It can't possibly be a binary choice.

And if the father isn't supportive and the family isn't supportive, this isn't a great place to practice new skills anyway.

What about, what about 🙄
This 7 year old boy deserves to go out for a meal. He is autistic it’s not as simple as “teaching him manners”. People sensitive to noise can wear ear defenders or go to a quieter restaurant, as family ones generally aren’t quiet.
Unbelievable!