Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

IMO you can’t let your DC play with a noise-making toy in a restaurant if it’s audible to the other (non-family) people sitting near you. Just because it’s better than screaming doesn’t mean it’s OK. But maybe you could make a judgement call on the day - of the resto is busy and noisy enough that the toy won’t be heard then you can whip it out.

You can't see a problem with a noisy toy?

I wouldn't be happy with either an annoying toy or a screaming child near me whilst im trying to eat.

You present these two options as if that’s it, there is no other choice.

I wouldn’t appreciate either, thanks.

I would take the toy, I would be able to tune out the sounds it makes much more easily than an upset child.

I think that without a decent alternative strategy to help your DS manage in the restaurant that you would be setting up a situation where you know that a negative outcome is almost inevitable. That could then have ongoing implications for future visits to restaurants, if it becomes something that your DS resists due to remembering previous dysregulation in that environment.

If your DH can offer a different strategy for keeping DS calm then that might be worth considering, but just not addressing the potential for dysregulation isn't an option imo.

Nothing else keeps him calm we’ve even had to get spares of the toy in case it breaks he finds it really calming and regulating.

Pick a family restaurant with designated children’s area and let him take the toy

It is a family restaurant so this is what’s confusing me as it isn’t like it’s a quiet exclusive fine dining experience I suspect it may be more that dh is worried about being criticised?

You need not to take him to a restaurant where his noise / playing will be a problem.

Neither option sounds ideal. I would either leave him with a friend or if that wasnt possible I wouldn't go.

If it's a family restaurant then DH is definitely being unreasonable. You will be judged by those who are judgy regardless.

Take the toy and keep it on the lowest setting, you and husband need to sit at either side of your child to minimise impact on others at your table. Make sure your table is the furthest from other diners. Or don't go.

Noisy toys are very annoying. Noisy children are worse.

You are essentially saying that your DS is going to be disruptive to other diners and asking which is the least disruptive.

Presumably if he was shouting and screaming you would remove him and take him outside so that option is the least disruptive.

Neither are ok. Find something to occupy him that involves headphones. Don’t ruin other’s experience because he likes a noisy toy.

If you can’t do this. Don’t take him.

If it's a family restaurant then I would expect a certain level of noise from children. Is there an area you could be seated which is in a corner or separate from other people that would reduce the impact?

Some of this will definitely depend on the restaurant, a cheap play barn kind of place I really can’t see one kids toy being a problem. A restaurant with a mix of people including families then neither solution really works.
Can he use headphones as backup? Or arrive later once the food has arrived and leave earlier when he has finished eating? Is there somewhere to walk around outside?

We don’t use headphones for him as 1) he hated the feeling and 2) we are working on desensitising him in a controlled way to situations to increase his tolerance so we have to be able to communicate with him easily

We want to avoid that as we want to make everyday experiences positive so that in the long term he develops tolerance to things and copes better . I do feel dh is anxious about judgement from family

If he struggles in that environment and can’t cope without something like that (I’m AuDHD and a child having something like this in a restaurant would probably mean I had to leave) then is it worth going?

It doesn’t sound like he will enjoy it, just that he may be able to regulate

Then I wouldn't go.

You cannot avoid taking a screaming child out of the room OP. That's just basic respect for the other people sharing the spaces. It's standard, we've all had to do it.

Allowing him to shout and scream in a restaurant is totally unreasonable.

I’m worried if we avoid day to day things that he will never learn to cope with them. I wanted to take steps eg taking the toy and at some point only allowing the lower volume , then to progress to the sound off just the lights on etc as a gradual approach but to keep him calm at the same time and getting exposed to different social occasions so that in the long term he can cope with life

I genuinely don’t know what any of you will get out of going. You will both be stressed in case he has a meltdown, even more stressed if he does have a meltdown and he will get nothing positive out of it.

It's not unreasonable to want to take your DS who is a family member to a family meal, with suitable adjustments, rather than exclude him because of his additional needs.

If its family then they should be understanding about why he has the toy and why there is some noise ... although having autistic kids on my DH's side of our family I realise this is often not the case sadly.

Some of them have been absolute arseholes with his cousins kids.

Is your DH worried about being judged? Your son's comfort needs to come before that.

It’s a good opportunity for him to be in a noisy and busy environment, to see family and be able to regulate with a toy and then we can try to progress things as if we keep him at home for the comfort of others how will he then manage to function when he’s older in society?