Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

Babysitters are just not an option for many families of children with complex needs (mine included) this leaves them out of options and often pretty much housebound, speaking from experience

Take the toy or don’t go. When my autistic DD has a meltdown which we as parents could have avoided I always think - WE have put her in this situation.
WE triggered this.
If you know the restaurant without the toy would be a trigger why would it even be a consideration to go without it.
He doesn’t want to act out. He doesn’t enjoy having a meltdown. It isn’t in his control.
Going somewhere that will knowing cause an autistic meltdown causes a negative cycle of behaviour and further lowers self esteem.

You can’t train him out of being autistic.
He will never be neurotypical.

Why is DH worried about being judged for the toy? Do the in laws not know enough about autism? Or is he lacking in knowledge?

Yeah. Also speaking from
experience. Both sides of that coin. There's no need to be patronising and assume no one else has experience.

In which case it seems pretty patronising to suggest it in the first place

So you don’t agree with desensitisation unless it’s desensitising someone to headphones ?

Take the toy ! Or get a baby sitter ? He obviously isn't comfortable in this setting if he screams etc . Is a baby sitter an option ? I'd ignore your H or see if he has a solution .

What do you mean by desensitisation? There is a history of exposing autistic people to stimuli they find painful - and will always find painful due to the way they process sensory input - in order to make them look "normal" e.g. not wearing ear defenders. If he can't tolerate ear defenders at all, I agree I wouldn't desensitise him to them either.

Then there's a different type of "desensitisation" which is more a gradual widening of window of tolerance of things that aren't just sensory hell for the person and that will be genuinely positive experiences for the person (even if they need a bit of support to enjoy / be included - e.g. the toy). My kids have gone through stages where they refuse to go out which we had to very gently challenge and stretch them bit by bit or they would lead very diminished lives. They now enjoy going to certain places where we can safely take them.

Nope.

I don't agree with you just deciding off your own back you can 'desensitise' him (make him not autistic), no.

helping him accept headphones is something reasonable to work on, the two are not comparable.

I’m not trying to make him not autistic. I’m trying to gently help him get used to day to day things so that he will have some level of functioning as an adult. Even if that means he just knows when to mask / zone out / distract himself. That’s only fair to him to give him the opportunities to adjust it’s not that I want to force him to not be autistic!

But a lot of that will only come as he gets older. He will learn to navigate his own condition in his own way. It’s not as easy as desensitising an autistic person.

Op you need to do more research on asd.
Imo you are setting your dc up to fail reading your 'methods'...
Working on accepting headphones is ime the best plan going forward...

Im a middle aged woman and have tried to desensitise myself to certain things. And that is with an adult AUDHD brain.

It still doesn’t work that way

Please disregard this - there is nothing you're trying to do to make your son less autistic FFS, it’s just semantics, that for some reason PP wants to use as a stick to beat you with.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job of helping your son access the world.

I have a similar child though older now. What you do is practice and have very uniform rules across public spaces. For us that means, you can 👌🏽 lay on a device with the sound off when waiting for food in a restaurant or when waiting for others to finish their meal. The same rules apply to waiting rooms at hospitals, dentists etc My preference is I “lend” him my phone for this as it’s easier to move on from. Start with cafes and McDs or similar. Move on to chain restaurants with kids menus or child friendly pubs, then restaurants. It’s like learning to read, lots of practice, keep reminders of what was a struggle and what worked

This wouldn't bother me at all.. If I seen a 7 year old playing with a toy phone and zoning into it, I'd likely presume the child was autistic and would be accepting of him using it. A bit of noise at one meal isn't the end of the world for me if it helps the child in the environment they're in.

Your son needs the toy. Your husband needs to let it go