Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

Babysitters are just not an option for many families of children with complex needs (mine included) this leaves them out of options and often pretty much housebound, speaking from experience

Take the toy or don’t go. When my autistic DD has a meltdown which we as parents could have avoided I always think - WE have put her in this situation.
WE triggered this.
If you know the restaurant without the toy would be a trigger why would it even be a consideration to go without it.
He doesn’t want to act out. He doesn’t enjoy having a meltdown. It isn’t in his control.
Going somewhere that will knowing cause an autistic meltdown causes a negative cycle of behaviour and further lowers self esteem.

You can’t train him out of being autistic.
He will never be neurotypical.

Why is DH worried about being judged for the toy? Do the in laws not know enough about autism? Or is he lacking in knowledge?

Yeah. Also speaking from
experience. Both sides of that coin. There's no need to be patronising and assume no one else has experience.

In which case it seems pretty patronising to suggest it in the first place

So you don’t agree with desensitisation unless it’s desensitising someone to headphones ?

Take the toy ! Or get a baby sitter ? He obviously isn't comfortable in this setting if he screams etc . Is a baby sitter an option ? I'd ignore your H or see if he has a solution .