Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

I used to take a few favourite books to read quietly to them and fidget toys. But I've always taken my children to family restaurants since they were babies.

What I would do is take him a few times at a quieter time 1 on 1 for a trial run. So he gets a feel of the restaurant and what to expect. You could just get a drink and each time stay a bit longer. So he knows what to expect and what's expected of him. Then at the end as you leave he can have the toy as a reward.

Unsure if somebody has already suggested this.. but when my child was younger she was very sensitive to sound.
When a toy was too loud I would put a few layers of folded kitchen roll and secured it with tape over the speaker. The multiple layers muffled the noise (but we could still hear it) and we were all happier for it.
And it can be easily undone after the dinner!

Take the toy.
Ignore the ableist posters who expect perfection from everyone and can't tolerate minor inconvenience. They would have people with autism/learning disabilities locked up at home to avoid having to see or hear something that doesn't fit the norm.

I dont take my autistic child to a restaurant where noise isn’t appropriate.

I've had to leave a restaurant with my autistic son. Because some parents seemed to think it was ok for their brats 3-4 years old to race each other screaming. Oh it's the family area just so it's ok. I'm a mum of 2 on the spectrum neither of mine have ever behaved like that. If they did we would leave. We have never been asked to leave a restaurant and we always stack plates and clean up after them.

What about the autistic people who find that distressing? Quite ableist comments.

What about the autistic people who find that distressing? Quite ableist comments.

Your DH is correct. A noisy toy is completely unacceptable in a restaurant, even with the sound on low.
Either use it with the sound turned off or do not bring the toy.
The sound (including on low) would completely ruin my experience of the restaurant and the experience of any others there who experience sensory sensitivity.
It is not better than the sound of him shouting or screaming. The toy being not as loud does not make it less disturbing. It's not the volume, it's being unable to escape unwanted sounds, that makes it antisocial

You're not suggesting giving him a tablet on full blast or allowing him to run around freely, you just want to let him have a toy that makes a little bit of noise in a family restaurant

It's changed since then, @Tulipsriver; originally OP said "it doesn't go very loud", but now it's become training DS to accept it at a lesser volume.
Given that we all get used to our own DCs' noise I'd lay a fair bet that it actually makes a hell of a racket and that problems may follow if the DS isn't alllowed that, which might explain why the DH feels it's inappropriate

Having raised a disabled DS myself I empathise with needing to make adjustments, but what I don't get is how allowing them to stun themselves with gadgets encourages familiarity with the surroundings, or learning anything beyond how to switch to the next game/whatever

What I would do is take him a few times at a quieter time 1 on 1 for a trial run. So he gets a feel of the restaurant and what to expect. You could just get a drink and each time stay a bit longer. So he knows what to expect and what's expected of him. Then at the end as you leave he can have the toy as a reward

Edited to add excellent idea, @Strawberrydelight78. It might be a bit late for this scheduled meal, but could certainly be a way forward

As a grandparent withautistic grandkids and another with very much a mind of his own I feel for you. You are quite brave to even attempt meal out. And to those saying "how very dare you", I say try being in your shoes for a while. Yes noise is a bit annoying but I've yet to come across a restaurant just for families with autistic children and those with ADHD. Are they really saying you should never attempt to do things other families do? Im with you on using what ever means you can for a calm evening, toy, tablet or phone for a game. Or just let Dad look after him, because I suspect he wouldnt!

Neither are really a viable option. Maybe one of you should go and one stay home with your child. It’s unfair on him and others in the restaurant to take him somewhere where he will find it hard to behave appropriately without a toy that will be annoying to other people.

Just putting it out there, we can afford one meal out a year, one. We save up for it and really hope the experience will be nice (think Prezzo level). We are not the only people like this. Yes not just us in there restaurant but I am annoyed when all I can hear is whizzing, beeping and bells while trying to have a nice meal. IMO no one should be bringing noisy toys and gadgets (with possible exception if has headphones). You present it like these are the only two options?

No they are pointing out that there may be other ND people for whom that level of noise is a trigger

This.

Seems all the perfect parents and judgey crew are out in force today 🙄

Your DH is being unreasonable. Take the toy, then you’ve got it if you need it. As parents it’s hard enough trying to get kids to sit still in restaurants. Last thing you need is judgement. As it’s a family friendly restaurant I’m sure there will be plenty of noise in general to drown out the toy

He's only 7 so why the rush to get him eating in restaurants?

Leave him alone and try again when he's older and more likely to enjoy it.

He might never learn to enjoy it (some people hate restaurants) and that's ok too.

Tell me we live in an entitled society without telling me we live in an entitled society…

Thats aimed at the commenter not the child

Maybe society is the issue. Maybe we should have some more compassion. Maybe you can eat in a non family friendly restaurant to get the peace you desire. Having said that plenty of restaurants without kids are so noisy and can also be unbearable!

What if other people in the restaurant have sensory processing issues and can’t tolerate the repetitive noise of the toy? Is their discomfort not important?

i think the point here is perhaps a restaurant is not the appropriate place for your child if they will find the experience distressing to themselves or cause distress to other diners by the noise they or their toys make.

SEN mum here so know exactly what you are facing. If the toy has a low volume setting then 100% take it. To be fair, so many kids play tablets etc on full volume so there is no difference. I'd take the toy over a severe meltdown any day.

Quite a lot of autistic people struggle with noise. Ditto people w hearing loss. Making places louder doesnt make them more accessible to all.

How about trying your experiment at home, with family members present & them making a noise ?

It seems totally unreasonable to inflict this behaviour on other people who have paid for a pleasant meal.

Should OP never go anywhere? Where would you suggest she take her child?

Maybe those of us who struggle with noise have to accept that we can’t live our lives in the same way - something has to give when you have opposing needs with equally extreme results.

The suggestions on here that it is we who should basically get over it is very ableist.

Everyone’s needs should be considered.

Yes, I'm one of them. The clinking of glasses being put away/took out to make a drink, clinking of ice in drinks, the whooshing of the cash register, the influx of sounds when the kitchen door opens, sounds from hand dryers when the bathroom door opens, cackling laughter, background music that's barely audible due to multiple conversations going on at once, some with very loud voices, some whispers which for some reason can be more stressful, the buzzes from some overhead lights, loud buzzing if they have the fly zappers.
A toy that isn't very loud is not going to make an experience in a family restaurant any more stressful for people who have disabilities that cause sensitivity to sounds.

That isn’t totally accurate as you can only speak for yourself. I can cope with regular noise like you describe but not loud noises like children shouting and screaming and random electronics.

What the OP is describing has the potential to cause me physical pain and panic - meaning I have to leave immediately.

I have had to stop seeing friends with children as a result.

I avoid family places but there are no reasonably priced child free options.

My disability inconveniences nobody except me but that doesn’t mean my needs are not valid.