I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

I know - sorry. Things keep popping in my brain when people are posting questions and it reminds me of things to say!

If he really wanted to be a pilot it wouldn't have taken him 6 years to get a PPL. I think it goes deeper than this. Does he really want to be a pilot or does he want to experience your success and fly all over the world?
I feel the two are separate things.

He may have missed the boat now for his dream career. I realised the same recently, and I realised that the question I need to ask myself is “what do I want to do, out of all of the things that are realistically an option right now?” not just “what do I want to do?”

And if you as a couple have decided that it makes sense for you to continue to be the main breadwinner and will remain working away from home, then what is a “realistic option” for him right now takes that into account.

But surely he doesn’t need to remain tied to a struggling business. Surely he has other skills that would translate to other things.

This is such a shitty post and I guarantee you wouldn’t actually say it to a man.

OP has a wonderful career, which she enjoys and in which she has been successful. That should be celebrated.

the children are at home with their dad and as a long haul captain OP is likely at home about half the month so the children are hardly neglected.

I didn’t mean to sound like I was chastising you - am also watching MAFS whilst trying to get my son to sleep so was a bit curt.

He needs a good taking to, to accept the ship has sailed, and crack on.

Ahhh thank you so much 🥰

Would you if a man worked away all week, leaving his wife with a 3 month old baby plus two other young children and she was doing all the childcare plus running her own business? Husband sleeps away so gets a great night's sleep every night, Mom's doing it all plus working?

I mean if you'd have no sympathy for a Mom either that's fien, but often these things aren't treated the same.

The thing is, even if he started now, it would take him years to train. He's got all the ATPLs to do which are very time consuming, then he's got all the hour building alongside and all the ratings if modular. If integrated it's so competitive getting a place and then he'll most likely be away from home for the training. He might be based somewhere miles away from home to begin with because he'll be at the bottom of the ladder, and then how many years would it take for him to get to the same level as the OP? Years. You generally don't start as a long haul pilot do you? You do the short haul sectors first working ridiculous hours.

WHAT?!

A PP has posted above the stats. 6% of commercial pilots are women, 1% of Captains are women. Are you seriously suggesting that she should abandon that stellar career in order to give way to a man who regrets that he isnt living the dream anymore? If anything right now, they need her job more!

What the OP has achieved is incredible and so so hard to do, there is no way she should have to give that up because he is whinging. And it is whinging. He was happy enough when his business was doing well and he was buying fast cars and blowing money in casinos, its only now that things are not so good for him and are going better for her that he is unhappy. He had plenty of opportunities (and money) in order to train himself but he chose the high life, thats how it goes. Frankly he sounds like one of lifes coasters who feels hard done by when he needs to put some graft in. He wants her life but never put the hard work in to get it.

Congratulations on making captain and flying to dream destinations! Not everyone can make it & even though you have tried giving your husband all the options, it may never work out for him. An ex friend of mine has a BA First Officer as a husband and he keeps failing and retaking his exams. It’s not like easy and everything lands on her and her mum because he is jet lagged/revising. Do you think that a career as cabin or ground staff may suit him?

Except that he isnt doing it all. He has his Aunt coming when OP is away and a full time Nanny, paid for by OP. How many women in that situation have that? Not bloody many!

Not the same situation at all.

This sounds easier than my life with dh and I juggling busy full time roles and 3 dc and me doing the morning drop offs and then pick ups on my wfh days , commuting in 3 days, having evening things every night with volunteer roles for the kids, evening meetings for work approx one night a week, and trying to get to gym etc. He had his chances while I was working my ass off to build the career before parenting took up large chunks of life, he needs counselling.

I dont get why the only answer to his unhappiness is becoming a pilot?
Surely you need to discuss as a couple the reality of your set up and come up with a range of options to consider?

Your career is peaking and enables your family a lot of security but entails you being away. That's just how it is. His job is not bringing him security or enjoyment. So he can change it up in many ways that dont mean you changing your job, examples include:

Him going v part time, or not working and you not having a nanny
Him finding another job of any sort - he didn't make a success of pilot training before so really it should be something else
Him getting therapy and working out what his real issues are rather than reaching for ' i need to become a pilot' as the answer.

Together you can make a 'next 5 years plan' ie work out what each of you wants, how to achieve that and support each other through it. Decisions made dont need to be forever, they adjust as kids get older.

Well what did you envision your long term plan to be
You have 3 children one with special needs.

How long did you think when you took the job of doing it? Until retirement?

He might not be able to retain now to be a commercial pilot, but was your long term plan for him to stay home raise the kids with help of a nanny and keep his business going.

That now may not be a realistic option. Anything could happen, your ability to do your job currently is reliant on him being home. If something happenes to him or your relationship changes that could all flip on its head.

You both have at the moment individual skillet and a consistent high level of income at the moment. Are you maximising that? Investing or generating additional income? If not start there. You have a different type of vulnerability to women who are in your husbands position in terms of your earning capability long term. Which will support both of you having the freedom of choice.

Your husband sounds awful. I hope you have access to all family money?

But that is the difference. Generally the woman would be doing all the childcare in this set up. Op’s husband isnt. He has no restrictions. He has childcare. He could have been a pilot if he wanted to buckle down. He didn't. It sounds more like he resents op’s success, which is making him miserable, rather than he missed out on being a pilot himself.

You sound awesome, and agree he is having a mid-life moment and regretting spaffing away his chances, made worse by his business having a blip. I’m sure if it was doing well he wouldn’t be feeling this as much.

It is fine to feel a bit sorry for him, but then I think you need to draw a line and figure out how to get him through the funk, even if it is something completely different.

Also his life is pretty cushy. My dad worked abroad only coming home every other weekend and my Mum raised three kids, put herself through Uni, then worked as a teacher whilst doing all the house and school stuff. No cleaners, no Nannies. So I get he is feeling a bit meh, but he needs to shake himself off and start looking at the good stuff.

I don’t understand why people are suggesting OP gives up her job, that she not only loves, but is excellent at given the promotion to Captain and is paying all the bills!

The only thing wrong here is having a DH who seems to be in competition with you. Given his age he probably needs to consider alternative options to becoming a pilot himself as it sounds like he’s missed the boat on that. What makes him happy (other than flying!)? Use that as a starting point.

It really was a shitty post. OP achieves a position of which only 1% are women and people still begrudge it to her and thjnk she should be prioritising the penis owner.

Sorry, but he has a nanny? Oh, please, he's not doing it all.
(And I know that's a useless question now, but why did you have 3 kids? It's a lot)

I think it must still be very tough for you OP even living your dream job. I imagine you miss the kids when you are away, feel guilty about being away, carry the financial burden and also pick up where you left off when you return home. Your DH does seem to have a lot of support too- I had thought initially he was juggling it all but has a nanny and help when you are away.

I think you deserve a lot of credit for what you do for your family and also trying to help and support DH achieve his goal of being a pilot. You have gone above what should be expected.

Unfortunately, it does sound like being a pilot isn’t a job for everyone (my sister had a partner who sold his house to retrain as a helicopter pilot but couldn’t pass the tests). Maybe he just doesn’t have the drive and you need to let him crack on now and figure it out for himself.

So why is your heart breaking for him?

He has the life of Riley.

He has fixated on flying because it’s your passion and area of expertise. He can’t just let you have something for yourself. He used it to make you feel sorry for him.

As a female pilot myself (not commercial but still), it is an incredible way to represent women in my opinion. We are in a very male dominated world and it's VERY inspiring for young girls to see women as captains for an airline.

For that reason alone OP, do not give up your career!

Gotta agree with this.

Working harder doesn’t always bring success- there really isn’t much correlation between ‘grafting’ and actual results in my opinion. He needs to find a way to work smarter on his business.

I am also not sure that the problem is him not having his dream career, based on what you’ve written. I think you are being a bit naive to think this would be a magic bullet for his happiness. It sounds to me like he is lonely, and that there is too much hard work being done by the two of you, and that he cannot manage easily family life whilst one partner is absent. It is the reality for many women and perhaps you have worked so hard on ‘being successful’ you’ve not stopped to realise that really your success is both of yours; because it’s built on his hard work aswell. It is asking a hell of a lot to have two successful businesses when one parent is often absent. You wouldn’t have the success you have without his hard work.. I suspect he is sad because he is under appreciated… (reading between the lines of your post)