I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Did you read where she says she’s a pilot ???

Had a hunch that might be the case.

I suspect its a classic case of your success has made him feel small. Its mainly a man thing, sorry for the generalisation but it is. He feels the need to prove that he can do it too, like the little kid trying to prove he can climb the same tree as his older brother and then having a tantrum when its clear that he cant. I wouldnt keep going over and above to create contacts etc, as its clear that he doesnt have the work ethic to actually achieve what you have. If he had, he would have done, he just resents that he doesnt have that too. Suggest life coaching or career coaching and leave him to it. Indulging his "life isnt faaaaaiiiiir!" shit is not actually helping him, because its not giving him a reason to change anything. I cant help thinking that his life is a wee bit too easy as it stands, so he has no reason to try harder.

Cabin Pressure.... https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lmcxj
Not currently available on there but is on Audible and probably on Youtube too. It is hilarious. I know a pilot and several cabin crew and they all love it!

One from my previous husband who passed away when first child was 6 months old. Met now husband when she was 2. Had another with him. Third was a lovely surprise but deffo not planned. Although husband really wanted a third. I dont think 3 is a lot of kids though. Not like we're the Brady bunch 🤣

This poster put it perfectly.

Yes he can be disgruntled with his current job but so at millions in this country. It's not like you're not pulling your weight.

He just needs to move on and get on with things instead of being envious of your accomplishments

It's like millions of kids who want to be footballers and realistically only a miniscule number actually makes it. But kids grow out of it and I feel he just needs to move past it. I get op that you see him sad and are trying to help but realistically if he's already tried numerous times he needs to forget about being a pilot of an airline. Maybe try flying smaller aircraft for fun.

I can’t help but wonder what HE is doing to help himself. Reboot or shift focus of his business?
Of course you shouldn’t give up on everything you have worked so hard got !

Congratulations, I think that’s a fantastic achievement.

And I agree OP is very inspiring as a pilot and Captain.

Too many people only think air cabin crew when women and flying are mentioned, that needs to change.

I dont think any one who works away the way the OP does on a regular basis man or woman can do so without significant long term risk to their relationship. I dont think the person at home with the kids man or woman needs to accept it as the life they want for ever either.

The balance is all the way fucked up. That only works as long as the person at home is happy to absorb the balance shift.

Hi OP

Agree that you're getting a hard time on here, because you're a woman. I don't think many people would feel sorry for a woman who'd chosen their own career path, had 3 kids that she wanted, had a nanny and family help with those kids when her husband was away, her husband does everything when hes at home, but she's really pissed off that she'd not taken the multiple chances to pursue her 'dream career' years ago

OP its not his dream career or he'd have grabbed that opportunity with both hands years ago, not just dabbled a bit and put it off til after 3 young children. He might not be happy, but I really don't think the reality of training to be a pilot would be making him happy at this stage. It seems to me like he is seeing you happy and fulfilled and its shining a light on his own issues with his business, finances etc. The easy answer is 'I'll have what she is having'...he needs to be realistic about what is the matter and what he can change. Maybe wirh the help of a therapist

But he knew he was marrying a commercial pilot when he married and had kids with OP.

None of this is a surprise to him.

What other job do you suggest an airline captain does??! She can hardly WFH…

I have and since returning to work have more than him

Then I would have a cold and calm word with him that he is never to disrespect you like that again, in front of your child or anyone else.

I agree. Not sensible solution.

I come from a very working class background. I can't afford to be where I want to be in life, although I'm intelligent enough to get there, and yes I feel trapped and frustrated. But I have done what I can and found other outlets for fulfilment. My life is pretty decent now. We can't always have what we want but we have to make the most of what we can have. Many many people the world over, are trapped in situations where they would prefer something else. Not saying you cant be annoyed about it, but it is what is is.

I was doing this job when I met him. I was short haul then but would do tours. So if anything, away more. I also told him I wanted to go for captain and long haul when we met.

He knew all of this before he married me and went on to have children with me.

Our relationship is incredible. So happy. Just that that part of his life isn't.

Yeah he shouldn't be moaning with a nanny and auntie literally doing all the heavy lifting re kids. He's jealous. You have made it and he hasn't (,in his eyes). He's mourning the loss of him living the dream. If he's got all that child care, he needs to get out the house and direct all that energy into a job.

I’m sorry you feel trapped and frustrated but that you have some outlets.

What did you want to do?

Friends DH worked for an internal charity flew small planes in Africa for some years. Then children got to school age and they returned to the UK. Somehow he got into flying those small lear jets for wealthy people, celebrities and companies. He enjoyed doing that.

I am a bit in love too! Awesome 🙌

One thing I have learnt is that no one is responsible for another person’s happiness. Only your husband can ‘fix’ what he sees wrong with his life (which sounds pretty amazing to be honest).

Are you a pilot and he wants to be one but is now too old? That would be very difficult

Then I can’t see what more you can do. You have organised as much as you can. Down to him now to make his dream job come true.
I am full of admiration btw. I can only imagine the amount of work you have put in. Well done on reaching your goals.

Congratulations, OP, it sounds like you worked your arse off to get your dream job. You had the drive, vision, and ability to do that - well done!
And you also had to cope with being widowed with a 6 month old child ...

Your DH, on the other hand, created a successful business and enjoyed the immediate material benefits of that without thinking about longer term goals.
The fact that he could probably have had the job he wanted with more single mindedness and application is probably causing him even more regret and frustration.

But you are both reaping the benefits/suffering the consequences of choices made.

Perhaps he needs some counselling to help him come to terms with his life choices. Or maybe he could explore what his options could be re a flying career, eg as an instructor.

I hope he sorts his head out, OP, and you can both enjoy your kids and lifestyle. 💐

I did ....

Honestly I would be depressed in his situation, but then I’d never marry a pilot and wouldn’t have 3 kids or WFH full time! He’s chosen all of those things himself.

OMG he has had 6 years. No way !!! Let him be grumpy. He had the chance