I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

It sounds like her DH gets waaay more help than many women in the reverse situation. My friend's husband is a pilot and she certainly doesn't have a nanny. She has to work part time to actually allow his career. There are lots of perks though like very cheap or free flights and he's off work longer than most other people in between flights.

I think OP sounds like she has a great set-up minus a grumbly DH. He should be celebrating her successes which sound amazing in a very male dominated industry and also is doing well enough to single handedly support the family when his business isn't doing well. Imagine the stress he'd be under if it was all on him! He'd have even less chance of retraining in that scenario.

A friend of mine used his redundancy money to train as a pilot. It cost circa £100K

So he has a full time nanny when you're away, plus his aunt stays to help, and you're paying all the bills and getting him connections and contacts to fulfil HIS career dreams.

He likes women doing everything for him, doesnt he?

What is he doing to further things himself?

Honestly, as I’d also say to a man, working in a different country that much when you have 3 young children is selfish. Both of you need to focus more on the children and sort your careers so there’s more balance for both of you. He needs to be happy too

A family is only as happy as its unhappiest member. If your husband is unhappy, you need to look at what can realistically be changed to improve things for him .... this.

My OH gave up his professional career in medicine at 42 because he was so unhappy it was making him ill.

We had 3 children and I was working part time, so lots of changes in our lives: I upped my hours, we sold our home and down-sized, school moves, he did locums. It was a big upheaval - but I have never regretted it. Especially as in his 50s he got Parkinsons Disease and led a miserable life till his death in 2020. Had he not had the chance to reduce his hours drastically his whole life would have been miserable. We were able to give him some good time.

The children were 4, 10 and 12 at the time and were fully involved in the discussions so they understood what was going on - and I think learned some valuable lessons about setting priorities.

Serious career advice coupled with coaching might help him sort out what he wants to do and whether it is feasible (being a professional pilot just doesn’t seem possible) and what alternative careers are possible -or maybe when he comes down to it he just wants to carry on with his business. Having a clear-eyed and -headed outsider to talk to can work wonders.

my best friend retrained to be a pilot now she hates it. Just two years into the job.

But she became a resident of Sweden, learned Swedish and now flies for a Swedish airline. She got training for free this way.

What do you suggest I do ? - quit and be jobless?

For all the well millions of women are in his position and get on with it posts so he should put up and shut up posts absolute rubbish.

Women who put up and shut up to keep a home and kids going to allow their husbands to fulfil their dreams, travel for long periods and put up with minimal relationship time, while their other half is having "bucket experiences" wouldnt be told on a reverse how lucky they are if they posted on here.

They would be told to figure out if they wanted to be more than a prop to keep his home and family ticking over. They would then be told to use HIS money to buy in every type of help on the planet and to consider divorce.

I wouldn't be sad if I was you I would be really concerned about as a couple and family you think you will be in 5 years time. Being "in love" really is no match for resentment and disconnection on a long term basis on either side.

It isnt for you to fix it, it is for him to figure out what he wants and then for you both to see what sacrifices it will take to make it happen.

It isnt a set up I would want with a spouse and Im the one in our relationship who is also the higher earner.

Honestly, your husband made choices. He chose to spend his twenties and thirties doing other things and having a good time. He was the one who wanted a third child. He has an enormous amount of support including a full-time nanny and a mother figure to help. Now in his mid forties he has regrets. I mean I worked like a dog in my twenties and thirties to enjoy the career I have now. Choices have consequences.

Could you move closer to your workplace so that short haul would be a possibility? Even if it was only an extra night a week at home that may make a difference to your DH. Obviously this is only feasible if your DC aren't settled in a particular school and also finances

After a year of meeting, I took him flying with me and he said he'd always wanted to do it. So I paid for some lessons as his birthday gifts a few months later. I was trained as an instructor too so took him up with me etc. He then said he'd always wanted to be a pilot and went on to get his PPL (private pilots licence) usually, financially depending, you can get this within a few months. It took him close to six years 😫 he just kept stopping and starting it.

The saying "you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink." Always comes to mind for me.

But fast forward to now, I'm doing long haul and Captain, he's now wanting to do it again. I've done some pretty awesome trips recently - took him and the kids along. And I think now hes thinking "i want some of this."

Cabin pressure being accurate? What do you mean?

There is always options.

Absolutely no responsible adult would quit a job with children with no plan b, and no one is suggesting you should.

But lets not pretend being a Captain for a commercial airline is your only career option. Just like he will have other options than what he is doing right now. May not be his dream job either.

We've talking about this a lot. My eldest child has SEN needs and is incredibly settled where he is. We've tried moving him before and it didn't go well

Also worried that would then isolate husband from friends and family when I'm working etc. X

Unsure what else I could do career wise when this is all I've ever done and now being top of my field, to take a huge pay cut wouldn't be responsible whilst husbands business isn't doing well.

Suggestions and not criticism would be welcomed?

OP, please don’t endanger jeopardise your children's security by indulging and funding his pipe dream.

He had his chance and blew it.

You seem to have put yourself in the situation of his ‘rescuer’. Do you love him or do you just feel pity for him? Pity is no reason to stay in a marriage.

You're totally right. I just feel so much guilt that I'm super happy and he isn't. 🥲

Yeah I was sure you had this covered already but thought I'd suggest it anyway.

Love the user name, she was my favourite captain

Absolutely head over heels in love with him. He's such a good person, despite all this.

Don't be so patronising.

She has worked hard to get to where she has and her husband’s business is tanking.

Now is the not the time for a change in a career for OP.

That's such a shame for her. Also super cool it's free in Sweden. I didnt know that! googles how to move to sweden haha!

This is a bit of a drip feed - his dream was clearly achievable as he had the opportunities, facilitated by you, early in the relationship. And yet he did nothing, even having a second and third child rather than knuckling down and knocking his shit out.

This doesn’t sound like a man who couldn’t achieve owing to circumstances, he sounds complacent.

I am uni graduate and have masters, my husband does not, but has some degree....he is the bread winner, I had to be SAHM and my child had various ND related health issues which took 8 years for me to be home. I lost opportunity to develop a career...

my husband told my daughter that when she grows up, she should not be become like mum who has not good a well paying job

??

I'm glad for him that he has a wife who cares, and children.
I'm glad for you (and the children) that you have a husband who loves you and puts his family first. Yes, he should, but it's amazing how many people act like permanent teenagers with a me first attitude.
Maybe pay to see a careers adviser to look at alternative realistic ideas?