I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

I really wouldn't tell a woman whos husband was off 4-5 days a week leaving her looking after their 3 children, whilst she also worked hard from home that she was lucky. It sounds very isolating life just to have your bills paid. And it's not like he's living a life of leisure, he's working full time.

I'm not saying you should give up your career but it's absolute crap that if the roles were reversed people will tell the woman she was lucky, they would tell her she's facilitating his high flying career. It sounds pretty shit for him. Unfortunately I don't think being a pilot is on the cards for your husband, as it's absolute madness to give up your successful career as a pilot for him to train to do the same career but at likely a lower level for years. But I do feel for him and I think you need to look at other ways to improve things for him

He wouldn't ever want out. Same as me. We're in this together. We're very much in love. No issues with our relationship whatsoever

It doesn’t sound that difficult for him if he has a full time nanny for the kids and his aunty staying a lot to help. And how on earth would it work with the kids if you were both pilots and worked similar schedules? Fair enough if the business isn’t really working and he wants to try something different but I wouldn’t have thought it’s realistic for you to both work the kind of hours you do because then what about the kids. I think I’d find it a little frustrating tbh.

I think there is some real hypocrisy being expressed here which wouldn’t be if the roles were reversed. Good for you for getting to where you have and being so successful - you sound amazing however, surely if he really wanted to follow his dream he would have done it way before now. Is that really your responsibility, especially as you’ve had the children, pay the bills etc. although I get he’s having a mid-life, I’ve missed the boat time.

Gosh he’s lucky.

my husband is a Captain, I’m a City lawyer - we have three kids (4-7) and the only support I get for the 3/4 days each week my husband is away is wraparound care at school. I do everything.

he should realise he really is very lucky to have all that support.

that being said, I do understand the frustration of not being happy in your job. My career is stagnating hugely because I need the flexibility to maintain the life I’ve chosen.

Realistically, even if he did have the opportunity to train as a pilot, that would mean your three children growing up with both parents absent on a regular basis . How would that even work.
Perhaps he could look at alternative careers that would interest him.

Sounds like his business isnt doing so well at a time that your career is taking off (pun intended and congrats on making Captain!) so its a double whammy. I wonder though.....was this his dream career before he met you or did it happen afterwards? I am just wondering why, if this was his dream forever, he didnt do more towards it when he was younger like you did. Or did he latch on to it after meeting you?

Is there a professional career advice coach that you could encourage him to contact? It could help him look at other options.

And totally unrelated......is Cabin Pressure accurate?! I am told that it is very popular amongst the professional flying fraternity!

I think it must be very hard on him mentally OP seeing you having the career he would have liked- but life sadly isn’t always fair - and it sounds like it’s not just the cost if he didn’t get offered the scholarship - would it be possible for you to both have a look at what’s not working with his business and maybe tweak something but also maybe for him to look at focussing on maybe doing flying for fun ? My son would love to be a pilot. He’s a plane obsessive but sadly he’s also slightly disorganised in the real world - he does however get by in the real world working in hardware within Tech and he both does a ton of simulators and has flown a few times for fun for presents from me. He’s had to accept reality that much as he’s fantastic on it ( and pilots love him when he chats with them) it’s not going to be - could he look at training into maybe a side role at airport , despatch or operations etc? Then again these are often shifts .

Thank you so much. I agree re the "I missed the boat" and mid life crisis.

10 / 15 years ago his business was absolutely booming and he could have used his profits to become a Pilot then. Instead he chose fast cars, casinos and booze.. whilst i was spending every penny developing my career. Bad choices on his behalf but I do feel sad for him. He's been worse since I got long haul and captain as obviously I'm away more.

Deffo a mid life crisis 🥲 maybe he should speak to somebody impartial

I’m not begrudging you, I think your work/life balance sounds great!

I also believe that others would say you’re lucky that DH covered all bills if roles were reversed.

However, it doesn’t matter how many times others tell you you’re lucky financially, when actually living the mundane life of working at home ft and being primary carer for 3 young kids, it really doesn’t feel lucky for some. It sounds as though your DH (like many women in his position) would switch with you in a heartbeat.

How long can he maintain this unhappiness for is the question? Something needs to change for him. You both need to put your serious thinking caps on, as it isn’t working for both parties.

I've had another long chat with him today after doing some more digging at work and with some contacts. I've put him in touch with some flight schools that may be looking for flying instructors which he could be interested in. That's how I started out 20 years ago :)

@Jaynewayd and please don’t feel guilty - it sounds like the opportunity was there at one point and he chose to live for the day - it happens - I work in music and I’ve seen this kind of thing a lot -

Like many of us, he can't do his dream job. That's life. But since he's not really needing to contribute financially, maybe he could have a complete change of career and do something more rewarding. Working at a school or college/ for a sports team/ for a charity/ in a cafe...whatever he would find fun.

@Jaynewayd I’ve got no real practical advice to give but just wanted to say you sound like a great partner. Though not a pilot I used to travel abroad an awful lot for work which whilst amazing was lonely at times. In the end I made the career compromise and retrained. My husband is the more financially successful but we made decisions together just like you have. We’ve managed to share responsibilities but there’s always times when things are difficult.

I can only suggest that you tackle this bit by bit and find some time during daylight hours (I find these conversations stressful at night - but that might be just me!) to hash out ideas and possible next steps. I know that in my relationship we often only have ‘proper’ conversations on long journeys, meals out or decent walks but without the children. I think when we are in the midst of family life we can lose ourselves a bit and it seems impossible to step off for a second.

Reading your posts though it sounds like you are a great unit and want the best for each other. Good luck!

🤞

Would he be better off without the nanny? DH and I earn similar but DH works part time after he got annoyed with work. He decided to drop a few days to spend more time with DC so now his whole identity isn't "pissed off worker" it's more about being the family provider (providing meals, school runs, laughter, discipline, football, art etc)

I wonder if your DH is trying to meet the template of bread winner and actually if he pivoted so his goals were about family it would help?

This is all really about the kind of marriage you and he want. I wouldn’t want it but that’s ok, you’re not married to me. How would your life work if you were both pilots? Doesn’t sound straightforward with three children.

There sounds like a lack of a cohesive plan. It’s different but my DH would like to be a chef but he’s not interested in the hours, the grind with two SEND kids, the drop in money etc.

It doesn’t work money wise. So whilst it’s a ‘dream’ it’s not a realistic prospect.

Is it a realistic prospect for your DH to be a pilot? Really? If not then he needs to think about something else he would love and make inroads. Holding on to an unrealistic fantasy is unhealthy and will sap his self-worth.

Honestly he needs to pull himself together.

why are you running about getting him contacts, helping him practice, giving him
all the options etc etc.

this is on him: if he wants something he needs to chase it and stop acting like a jealous kid 🤷‍♀️

He needs to work out what he is going to do.
He needs to accept that your career is your career, not his and its probably not an option. He needs to forge a new path career wise.

So did he always want to be a pilot or did he actually want to after seeing what you had?

He's not sad because he's left behind. He's sad because his business is struggling and he can't provide the way he wants to. The career dream is a symptom, not the cause. Fix the business first. Or help him find a stable job. The dream can wait.

Wtf. If you have such a big aviation family, you should also know that only 6% of pilots in the UK are women and only 1% are Captains like OP so we should be celebrating OP not making her feel guilty for not giving her feckless husband a leg up.

I can’t believe you typed your post with a straight face. Mind boggling.

Why is the OP getting some stick here ?,when:

1. She's the main earner
2. She's come on here because she wants to help her husband out and needs advice?

It would be a TOTALLY different story (and accepted notheless ) if this was a bloke posting this.

Would you have a problem OP if he found something else fulfilling but wasn’t necessarily that well paid or did part time fulfilling job, part time house husband and dropped the nanny- could this work? It’s really worth exploring all options if you are good as a unit and he’s just unhappy professionally

This is the life he committed to. You pay all the bills. He's in the position of hundreds of thousands of women. My sympathy for him is limited.
I agree with this. Except he isnt in the same position as the women with husbands working away. He has two different women, a nanny and an aunt, doing the cooking, cleaning and child care for him when he is apparently home alone and doing it all. He isnt even doing the school runs. And he is getting out with frienda and going to the gym. OP has repeatedly gone above and beyond to help him be a pilot and he just hasn't made it. It isn't going to happen. He needs to move on. I am actually shocked at people on here thinking he is downtrodden.

he is literally like those statistics saying children from male single parents families do better, because they have other women doing loads for them.