I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Yep, one of the main issues for SAHMs is that they end up being time poor and that restricts a lot of personal development and fulfilment. The OP has actively encouraged and facilitated her husband being able to do whatever the hell he wants. She and her job are not the problem.

I think he's jealous of his wife. But he doesn't have the drive to achieve what she has. 6 years to get a PPL which usually takes months?

I suspect he would hate having the lifestyle he has as a result of her job taken away though.

Hopefully he is mature enough to know it's himself he's not happy with, and not his marriage.

Honestly not sure what else you can do personally, if you're covering bills etc and sounds like you are bringing most of the money in, then you can't quit your job and stay home looking after the kids. Selling your house so he could pursue a pilot career wouldn't be sensible in my opinion. It could just be a bad year for his business and it will be busy again after summer?
It sounds like he is upset you are able to travel to different places while he is home with the kids, but really there isn't anoher option financially.. Maybe you should all take a holiday together? Plan date nights just you two, enjoy life together when you're back etc. Really this is no different to many marriages where the husband works away for days at a time.

OP I think you are so cool. I would have loved to be a pilot in another life!

Your husband has a high-paying spouse and full time childcare. He can do whatever he likes.

If he's only just rediscovered his interest in flying since you became a captain it sounds like he just has FOMO. If he really wanted to be a professional pilot, he would have been working towards it more consistently.

Also, presumably you are at home for about half of the month anyway? So yes, you're not there at all for half of it, but when you're off you're there 100% of the time. That sounds delightful and gives you a really great chunk of family time.

Whatever you do, don't give up your job, and the salary and benefits it provides for your family.

Oh OP, he just sounds jealous that you are able to enjoy your life. He could've done thesame if he invested 15 years ago as you said, honestly he needs to grow up and pull it together - he has a nanny, his bills paid, and a loving wife when you're there. Does he even really want to be a pilot if it took him six years to get his PPL... or is it just because he sees you flying all over the world..

I really don't think you need to feel sorry for him OP (or that anyone else on this thread needs to) - he does enough of that for himself by the sounds of it. Making Captain isn't something that just happens to you if you get lucky, you've got to go after it, build yourself up and have the drive, tenacity and perseverance.

I don't think he has it in him by the sounds of it, he needs to accept that he's just not that person and get over it. The sad puppy dog eyes would really start to piss me off tbh, especially if I was paying all the bills and bailing his business out. He had his chance and preferred to piss his money up the wall, now he's moping around feeling sorry for himself.

Fair enough if he was sad because you're not around for the family as much as he'd like, or if he was resentful because he was left with all the child care - but he's not and he needs to stop feeling so bloody sorry for himself.

I’m going to be controversial
here and say I don’t actually think it often works (as in creates a happy family life with two contented partners and balanced children) when one parent travels away from home every week.

I say this having traveled abroad every other week in my last job. Now I no longer do it the difference is huge.

I think you perhaps need to sit down and consider what job change you could make that means you aren’t away from home as much. This would probably make a massive difference. At the same time he needs to accept that his dream may not be a reality - but can he do it as a hobby? And either identify the problem that is making his business loss making and address it or knuckle down and get employment so he brings in money.

As I write this I am thinking “no one would tell a man to stop working abroad.” But I actually would. You’re a team, and a family.

I'd feel more sorry for your very young children who you voluntarily only see for 2 days a week tbh.

Give up on the job and all the hard work that went into it?
I take it this post is a joke?

No, it’s a suggestion to make a plan to prioritise happy family life over a job.

You have to be ready to do this of course and I’m not suggesting she just slings in her notice without an acceptable alternative. But there are always other jobs.

So he sees you and your lucrative, successful, prestigious, jet setting career and wants the same.

Do you think he'd be so desperate to be a pilot if you were a civil servant, lawyer or chef?

Admittedly I haven’t read the entire thread but I’ve dipped in and out and I’ve read all @Jaynewayd ‘s posts. I find it hard to believe that some posters have such a negative view of her career and how she juggles her family responsibilities.

Her husband has plenty of domestic help, plus a network of family and friends. He could have had a similar career but instead chose to have lots of fun. And now he is jealous of his wife’s success - which she has worked extremely hard for.

He needs to knuckle down and make his business work or find employment. Somebody mentioned becoming a trainer driver - why not? OP suggested becoming a flying instructor - maybe he could do this alongside his business? There must be something he can do.

I agree that he is envious of your success and because he is a man feels entitled to career success. That you feel you should run around and facilitate this is adding fuel to the fire. If he’s got a nanny and a live in family member when you are not there, the only thing stopping him is himself. I would hazard a guess that even if you gave up your amazing career to make this man happy and facilitate him, he wouldn’t be happy and he wouldn’t be a pilot.

She is home 3 days a week, for goodness sake! Plenty of time to have a happy family life. It’s her husband who is the problem.

ETA: how many realistic alternatives to being an airline captain are there… jobs that OP might be qualified to do and that pay a similar salary…

Great message to send to girls and women.

Yes, you've got to a position that only has 1% women in it but throw it all away to pay homage to the penis.

So what happens if he becomes a commercial pilot as he wants?

If he hasn't got through and has tried a good few times then what can you do? If he's not getting through then it's time to think about another path. Not clear to me how this is about money. Good luck.

Actually I wrote this before seeing what her role is, which is amazing.

It’s a difficult one though. It just doesn’t really work for one parent to be constantly away. I know this from my own experience.

Please read my post properly before getting indignant. I asked whether reducing OP's hours is a possibility and I would certainly ask the same question of a man whose wife was solo parenting for half the week and feeling miserable.

He doesn't need to be feeling miserable. He has time, resources and opportunity to improve his life. That he isn't doing this is on him, not his wife.

OP is at home for half of the month.

It could be worse, she could be an off shore woman at sea away for 6 months a year.

She has already explained this, if you re-read her posts.

Set in her ways, to not want to give up her incredibly successful and fulfilling career. Are you serious? Why didn’t you just type “Get back in the kitchen, woman!” because that’s what’s coming across from your posts.

To those suggesting a career change - to what?

During the pandemic my backup plans for potential redundancy would have involved retraining and an estimated 75% pay cut. Why would anyone do that voluntarily?