I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

OP you are not selfish. You work hard and your children and family are cared for. You're the primary parent when you're at home. You are financially secure.

Why on earth is it your job to fix anything for your husband?? He is a grown adult.

While you're away, he has staff (bloody staff!) to help him, while you're home it's all on you. When he was flying high financially he blew it. You tried to help him get the career he apparently so badly wants and he blew that too. He wanted another baby, which is lovely, but did he think it would make everything easier??

I would struggle to have any respect for a person like this. He sounds like an immature moaner who resents the fact that you're awesome.

It is not your job to sort his life out. It just isn't.

Firstly, @Jaynewayd please get this thread pulled. Very identifying, and you know the company policy (written with your best interest at heart, not a threat!) From your first post, I knew it was flying.

Next, if you want marital advice from people who understand the industry, the company women’s chat is much more knowledgeable and welcoming than here. You know where that is. 😉

Finally, for everyone else - as with all threads that turn to aviation matters, there are once again a lot of assumptions, guesses and stories about a friend of a friend that don’t necessarily apply. It is possible to be one half of a two pilot marriage. I have lots of pilot couple friends who have children together and it works well. Advice as to how to manage one’s home life and childcare usually comes from within the flying community, not from a forum that just does not understand it. But having a nanny is pretty normal where the wife is a pilot. And (surprise!) I know lots of pilots who have been happily married - to the same person - for decades. The stories of multiple divorce and shagging anything that moves downroute are there, and we all gossip about them because they are the popular culture version of the airline pilot that makes the rest of us roll our eyes. But they are the exceptions, not the rule.

I have lots of thoughts on the chat I would have in the flight deck with the OP. I have been around longer than her. But there are options for her here if she wants to support her husband - it is incredibly hard to be a pilot and a mother, a constant juggling act, but it is possible to enjoy both and still have a reasonable home life balance. I don’t work anywhere near as hard as she does (I have made career choices which allow me to enjoy flying as my job whilst still having a very comfortable home-life balance) and although I have a thing I do on the side which takes much of my time, it is a hobby not several side businesses, as she says she has. There are always compromises to be made. But I do think, with 3 very young children and the position she has managed to get herself into (most junior of anything in aviation will get the worst of the work and no choice when they do it) there is no chance of her husband managing any sort of pilot training. My first few years as a pilot were the most intense years of my life - you are gone completely, into a flying school which is like a university degree but the 3 years condensed down into one year with all the accompanying workload x 3. I couldn’t even go home at weekends for much of my training. He is quite within his rights to be sad when his partner goes away, and she is leaving him with a lifestyle I wouldn’t want for my family. But he is also a grown man in his 40s and has had a lot of time to steer his life where he wants it to be. It is never too late to pursue a new career, but now is probably the wrong time.

I am really struggling with the backlash towards you. You have an amazing career and have clearly worked hard in difficult circumstances to get to where you are and to have a lovely family. You have put everything in place to help your family dynamic.

If it was the other way round you would be told to suck it up. I think it is probably difficult for you being away from your family so much, but how can you give up such a well paid job when you have a family to support.

It is very clear you want to support your husband, but ultimately you can’t do it for him nor can you ‘get’ him a job. He has to do it on his own merit.

Lots of people have jobs/careers and wish they had done something else instead, but that is life, you play the cards you have been dealt.

I honestly don’t think this is your problem to fix. Yes continue to support and be helpful but you can’t do anything else.

OP, you sound amazing - as a long-time plane enthusiastic from a family of pilots, with very bad eyesight (so no flying lessons for me!), I am in awe of you. I hope every long-haul flight is a dream :)

As others have said, this sounds like your DH is not taking ownership of his actions and choices and that's on him. Choosing to enter into a relationship with a pilot (amazing!), pushing for a 3rd child, spaffing his money on fast cars and not flying lessons - those are things he has to take responsibility for. It sounds like he has an incredibly soft life, between the nanny, you, his aunt and the financial support you bring - time for him to deal with his fragile ego instead of making it your problem.

I’m not too sure about that. There’s plenty of threads on here where women who are SAHM to high earning husbands and they are encouraged to go back to work even if they are low earners because that’s what they want to do and their husband doesn’t seem to think their job is as important. They are told over and over again it is just as important - not that’s they’re lucky.

The issue you have is- how fair and how realistic would it be on your children if your husband trained as a pilot? Surely he then would be working away multiple nights a week? I agree it was your job first and he knew about that so you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your career.

I also do agree to some extend that your husband knew about this when he signed up to have three children and I do think him getting a job where he works away multiple nights a week probably isn’t do able but I don’t think it’s a conversation you should be shutting down. You know he’s unhappy so what options are going to work for your marriage and your children as it currently is? People are saying tough and ignore it but ignoring it is only going to build up resentment and if he walks out then you will have a real problem. Being a pilot sounds like it’s a pipe dream at this point because it doesn’t sound workable but there must be other options to help his sadness.

You should be able to communicate with each other and compromise. Compromise doesn’t automatically mean you selling the house because then how would you juggle your children at home? But sticking your head in the sand whilst you know he’s struggling and telling him to suck it up is a sure way to cause problems. A women in his situation would not be advised she’s lucky. I actually fear she would be advised to leave, take 50/50 custody and then use her big divorce payout from divorcing the high earner to chase her dreams.

I agree it shouldn’t be on you to fix but in a marriage when you have an issue you tackle it as a pair. It isn’t leaving one person to sink or swim.

OP I don't think this is your "thing" to fix.

I retrained from a previous career and I spent lots of time wondering around what I wanted to get out of work, what I personally find fulfilling, what hours and flexibility I would need, what courses and retraining routes I could reasonably access etc.
Part of that process was also accepting that some options just weren't open to me. The courses were too far away, the hours the career demanded once qualified wouldn't work for my family etc.

Your DH needs to start thinking along these lines without getting caught on "pilot" over and over again. He is experiencing the natural consequences of his past (in)action.

I hear you when you say you're both head over heels in love but I think the potential for resentment (you getting fed up with sad face while he doesn't take responsibility for his past actions or future career, him because you're living out his supposed dream) is quite high and likely only going to increase as time goes on if nothing changes.

I think people are sympathising because perhaps they have lived it.

It’s what we do, young kids, not a nanny but childcare, businesses at home. I can go to a gym. I am still fucking shattered and if my partner wasn’t here to help share the load then pretty sure I would be sad too. It’s relentless.

They might not be able change the load. Ops job might not work like that. But if that’s the case then recognition of what he is doing is in order not telling him to get a better job. How? When!

Yes, thats what I think too. OP seems to be way too much set in her ways.

There seems to be a lot of imbalance in this marriage which doesnt seem to be working. A martyr and a rescuer. Focus and career driven vs. taking it easy and fun. Being away all the time vs. being at home all the time.

He's not going to be a pilot. It's just not going to happen. He needs to accept that and move on.

Hi OP, you do sound like an awesome woman and a bloody amazing wife…any man who facilitated his female spouse the way you do would not entertain never mind sympathise with, his whinging about feeling unfulfilled. (You lost me at the words nanny and casino there.) I hugely admire your patience but think you should focus on how proud of yourself you should be🫡

Anyway, I actually didn’t jump on here to ‘glaze’ you or minimise his feelings, but to say that I think your posts are a bit outing, be mindful x

As if knowing upfront had magic to change how you feel when actually living it for years.

Something needs to change OP but pinning all his hopes on a job he's unlikely to get may just make things worse. Could he get some coaching about his aspirations and try to find something more accessible? Is it possible for you to reduce your hours so that he's not alone with the kids so much and the contrast between his life and yours is not quite so stark?

If it was the other way around she would quite rightly be told that she has options given the set up. This isn't a woman stuck at home with three kids, no help, little work experience, and a partner that doesn't pull their weight when they're home. He has options, being a pilot isn't one of them. Stopping fucking about at the casino and thinking about what he wants to do with the rest of his life is 🙃

Some of the responses on here are bonkers and clearly from people (the SAHM contingent) who have no idea what it's like having a career in the real-world.

This kind of comment is an absolutely pile of horse-shit 😅

But lets not pretend being a Captain for a commercial airline is your only career option.

Pilot was my first guess as well!

But her husband is really sad that he's not also a pilot, so the solution is obviously for his wife to chuck her career out!

I know, it seems the obvious solution, right?!

How dare she have her own career that she will have worked bloody hard at.

It’s interesting that you are getting such a hard time, my husband is away at least 5 days a week but sometimes months on end. I have a high pressure professional job, studying for my masters and three young children. Nobody has ever suggested to me that my husband should quit his job. Of course it is difficult at times but we all make decisions for what is best for our family in the long term. If I had a nanny who did all of the childcare, dinners and cleaning I wouldn’t know what to do with myself!

You shouldn’t have to quit your job that solely provides for your family. Your husband doesn’t need to keep on with his business, there are loads of other jobs he could do without being a pilot. If he has applied lots of times and been unsuccessful, it’s clearly not an option. If he can’t fully replace your salary, it isn’t an option for you to leave your job.

Tell him to join the RAF. It’s never to late.

His feelings don’t change the fact that his business is tanking and his plan of being a commercial pilot at his age would mean he and his wife selling their home and upending their lives to fund his pipe dreams.

It’s extremely selfish.

Wow I thought he had cancer or something….
anyway

He is envious - so am I 😜

He has some regrets - me too.

I wonder really if he needs you to fix them wouldn’t he be better for his self esteem to get on and fix them himself.

He may need your emotional support in terms of saying it is fine for him to leave kids with nanny and aunty to facilitate his dream if that is what the wants.

Presumably once he is a pilot, like you, when home, like you, he will dedicate himself 24/7 to the kids. Depending on rotas kids might get a better parent to kids ration than they currently do.

I suspect he would then lament his loss of social time and gym time and personal freedom at home - the things you have perhaps let go for this season if your life?

All career/family choices have pros and cons.

I think you just have to accept his limitations.

In a much smaller scale way, I was you. Out of personal interest I powered myself up from leaving school with no qualifications to post grad level. My DH thought I was mad, spending my free time getting qualifications etc etc. But it was an interest and as a result, I was quite single minded.

Now, 25 years later, I'm very financially comfortable and have a strong career. Not as high flying as I could have been, had I started as most people do, at 21 out of uni, but not bad, nevertheless.

But the key element there is the single mindedness. I have friends who were much less focused who did JUST enough to get a job. And who are now still at entryish level. They just never had the drive. A bit like your husband, too busy having fun rather than powering on to the next level of qualification.

Unless you're born into wealth and have an influential family the only way to succeed is through hard hard work and focus, and it sounds like your husband doesn't want to do the hard work stage, he just wants the end result stage that he sees you at now. But he's NEVER going to have the personality to earn it.

You clearly love him so have to accept him as he is.