I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Agreed 👏

Very impressed OP that you're a Captain.

You obviously want your DH to be happy and it's great how supportive you sound. Ultimately it is your DH who needs to sort himself out.

Kinda this.

I feel sorry for my husband. He had a kidney cancer we didn't know he had, he ruptured the tumour and the kidney. Home 8 weeks in agony and - nephrectomy. Three years later a scan showed 12 tumours on his remaining kidney but denied second nephrectomy until I kicked up hell and - second nephrectomy - dialysis, promise of kidney transplant until - thyroid cancer and necropsy showed foci of kidney cancer in a separate part of the gland so transplant off the table - spread to chest - spread to pituitary in his head.

Meanwhile I had orthopaedic surgery that was botched and the hospital refused to even investigate. I got revision surgery elsewhere after fighting to find a surgeon who would help me, SEVEN years of being in agony, later and ten years after going to my GP with the condition.

No income for either of us worth a damn in the last fifteen years.

My DH would sell his soul to be OP's DH. I know it's not a race to the bottom but perspective is everything. We had hopes and dreams too. We just want to survive now.

I may be TOTALLY off mark, this is just a hypothesis based on my personal experience (abusive XH) but I would question if he wanted a 3rd kid because he thought it would make you give up your career. Then you went back to work after 3 months, and his plan failed. Then he decided to throw his toys out of the pram, hoping that his "sad face" will make you finally give up your career and sell the house, so he won't be only failed unhappy person in the family.
Of course it's a paranoid hypothesis but based on the men I've known, it wouldn't surprise me.

Would you say this to a woman who feels her career aspirations have been sidelined and is alone with the kids most of the time while her husband works away? With no disrespect to the OP at all, you clearly work hard for your family and care about your husband's wellbeing, but I'm a bit staggered at the lack of empathy from this response. I say this because I have been that wife and yes you can count your blessings but it doesn't take away the isolation and pressure that comes from being the one who is making most of the sacrifices and carrying the load at home.

He isn't carrying most of the load. The wife and nanny are carrying the majority of it. He has time, security and options to ensure he isn't isolated. Again, this isn't a woman who had little choice due to ingrained socio-economic imbalances.

Why oh why do woman feel guilty when they work hard to achieve a successful career?
Why do they feel they have to dim their success to appease a partner’s self esteem?
You have tried so hard to help your H’s sporadic attempts to train to become a pilot to no avail because he hasn’t the drive to push himself. It’s a pipe dream of his as if he really wanted to be a pilot he would have knuckled down years ago.
He needs to cop on to himself and stop with the whining and be thankful for what he has!

Would you say that you’ve „got it all“? Whereas he doesn’t? That kind of inequality in a marriage must be hard (whether it‘s the husband or the wife that had to step back). Is there anything else you can do to support this dreams? (Edit: and if the answer is no then that’s the reality…)

And is there anything else he’d like to do / be? Might it be better for him to work outside away from home?

I absolutely could not deal with 100% home office. I love my home office day. But 100%? I would probably feel left behind and isolated as well…

Yes, I'd pull the post. It is too identifying.

I had the same thought tbh, but didn't voice it because OP is very defensive of him.

Huge congratulations to you on such an incredible achievement.
I do think this would be treated very differently if the roles were reversed. I haven’t heard many conversations where men have been worrying about their female partner’s career fulfilment.
It sounds as though you have given him a lot of support and that he had chances which he chose not to take. There have also been spells where he has had more career growth than you. In relationships things aren’t always going to be even and fair because, unfortunately life just isn’t that straightforward.
You have consistently said that you have a really strong relationship and that he has a lot of support with the children when you are away.
I hope the instructor course works out if he wants to follow that but I think it’s up to him. You are doing a lot already. Your sympathy shows how kind you are and how much you care for him so I think he’s pretty lucky really.
Keep flying high!

Exactly this! I would really struggle if I was at home with 3 kids, working full time and my husband was away 4-5 days a week and wouldn’t consider myself particularly lucky, or tell any other woman in that situation that they were lucky (unless of course they were extremely happy with their situation).
I can’t see how life would work if you were both pilots, and therefore both away for large portions of the week? Surely that’s just not really feasible when you have kids?

Agree! You should be so proud.
Sounds like he’s had similar opportunities and not made the most of them so that’s on him. He’s lucky you can support you both.

Surely this ISN’T how your h is feeling? If it is, why would he want to have the same job as you, with the same problems?

It sounds like he’s just not motivated or talented enough to get to where you have got, and that something you can’t fix.

Instead of competing with you, has he thought about other careers he could try? What other skills or interests does he have?

No, I don’t think it would be, but I also don’t think OP’s h will ever be a commercial pilot…

also, remember that OP pays for a nanny and her h has plenty of help when she’s away. He doesn’t even do school runs!

And this was always OP’s career plan, and her h agreed.

I was wondering this too.

I’m suprised she didn’t mention care homes or Tescos. It’s also relative, has the Hs business gone from £130k a year earnings to £75k or £100k to £35k etc? I know someone who said their business wasn’t doing well but was still making £80k a year personally from it - if you have a high earning lifestyle with full time nanny etc then it’s easy to see it as failing , whereas reality is it’s just not mega money anymore and doesn’t warrant how you’ve set your lifestyle up - if on the other hand you are bored rigid and it’s not making much more than minimum wage then it may make more sense to find something a bit more ad hoc , freelance or part time but enjoyable and satisfying and ditch the nanny . It’s telling that the OP feels he deserves more but she admits he has had the opportunities but didn’t take them - that’s life I’m afraid, choices have consequences- Asan example we sold up for my H to do his dream job but was already doing thisasasideline- it worked well, we’ve earnt consistently over last 25 years but as a result we were too old by the time income was sufficient to get highish mortgages again and he refused to live somewhere he didn’t like, so we don’t own - I have learnt to live with this but as I say choices have consequences and you ‘both ‘ have to be ok with your choices.

Is it about his job or is he lonely/unhappy. You are away a lot with a young family. I think I would prioritise your family and move nearer to your work base. He could retrain in many jobs I wonder why he wants what you have? I think in a relationship where someone works shifts it’s beneficial for the other person to work standard hours. Otherwise you could never see each other. Maybe he is finding it harder now you have 3 children.

Hi @Jaynewayd,

Congratulations on your command! 🛫🌎🍾

No advice but I understand the problem. Interesting reading people’s responses and perceptions of our careers. Definitely don’t give up such a hard won career for something much lower paid!!! 🤨🤪

DM me if you want to chat to another Cptn with kids and a non-pilot husband who has mixed feelings about my earning more.

(@PyongyangKipperbang I love Cabin Pressure. So funny and, yes, John Finnemore knows his stuff.)

Oh I don’t think the OP is doing anything wrong or that she needs to change her career, I just know that I would struggle at home with 3 kids while my husband worked away 4-5 days a week, even if they were cared for by a nanny while I was working.

Could not imagine being away from my kids for so long every week. I think he is the one in the lucky position not you!

He works for himself so has no boss and has paid childcare whilst you’re away who seems to do all of the annoying ferrying around and cooking. You cover all the bills etc so he doesn’t have to stress about that. Okay his business is not where he wants it to be so he is looking at far away hills. He should concentrate on getting his business to where he wants it to be again and forget about flying. You both can’t be pilots or you would never see your kids?!

He is responsible for his own happiness not you, if he wanted to be a pilot he would have sorted it by now as he seemed to have ample opportunity. Some people are just naturally more content than others… I imagine in this case even if he became a pilot he would not be happy.

There is a full-time nanny there when Mum isn't. He isn't alone with the children most of the time.

My god. The luxury of this! If I'd had this I could have achieved so much more.

Why should OP reduce her hours when she’s just got a promotion and she’s doing so well? What, should she only fly to Amsterdam, not Oz? Or should she turn around halfway through a flight so she can get home more quickly?

Would you say the same to a man?

Well done to both of you.

I’m also agog at some of these responses. We all have our unconscious biases…

You keep saying your relationship is amazing, but he doesn't sound very happy with it.