Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

You need to be careful Op , if he is abusive as you reported to the police, then he's hardly going to be sweetness and light if you take him back ,having had him arrested, is he ?

My DH is a police officer, they really don’t do this for fun. Quite often in DV/DA abuse situations, the victim decides that they want the spouse back. There’s many reasons for this. But they obviously can’t let this happen once they have assessed a risk area.

what if they let him back and he killed you? Can you imagine the outcry? I suggest you speak to women’s aid/citizens advice to get info on your practical position . Long term you will be glad the police acted in this way.

Sorry this is a really tough time, but best not to minimise or deny what he's done now because you need him back to pay the bills. No one goes to the police about their DH for admin purposes. You informed them of what's gone on and they took action, as they should for what classifies as criminal behaviour. If you start backpedaling, that's a classic response from someone too used to being abused to have a reliable perspective. Of course you'd rather go back to the status quo and make this go away, but on balance it's better to go through it and get out the other side even if you can't see that now. Get the help you need from the social worker and the advice on this thread about bills, benefits and support. Take care of yourself and your DC and try not to cover up what he's done to you over the years. Whatever made you open up about this now, it will be a good thing in the long run - better than carrying on like that, even if it doesn't seem so right now.

It has been your normal for a long time and you probably can not see how wrong it is.

Contact women's aid. Or your GP for counselling.(Mine came quickly re domestic violence) Or quicker, go to relationship board on here and read other threads. Get a sense of what is not normal.

If you contact your kids school and let them know they will support your kids.

if you tell your gp then they can be helpful - mine prescribed diazepam for me (I was having nightmares) and spoke to my child.

gp can also sign you off for a week or so while you get your head around stuff.

you cannot control what the police do, and it’s unwise to try.

I hope that you come out the other side of this in a better place.

@PotatoSalad12 so I’ve got this right, you submitted a request to the police for help. The threshold was met for arrest and separation. You’ve now changed your mind and want him back?

My view, good on the police for doing this. You clearly need help and the police are doing their bit.

What were you expecting contacting the police and telling them that? They are serious offences you can’t expect them to ignore. Especially not when women have come to harm and even killed when no action was taken.

Maybe educate yourself as to why the phrase "educate yourself" is always counterproductive, bless you, sigh.

And yet you contacted the police using language which led to these charges.

You need help and support to get out of an abusive relationship. You don't need your husband back.

If you don’t give your head a wobble and wake up then you could lose your kids. You need to realise that your husband has been removed because he is dangerous, and if you refuse to see it and leave him to protect your kids then social services will do it for you.

Are you sure? Because if you hadn't felt that way you'd not have done it, surely? It's serious stuff and I presume you'd not waste police time.

I would hazard a guess that you're wobbly because of the outcome but if all the things you say are true you may have just saved yourself in the long run. Sending hugs

so, you disclosed to the Police some information that meant that, under crime recording rules, they have to record that a crime(s) have taken place and that you are the victim. The offences that they HAVE to record sound serious and are domestic. Imagine if the police had taken no action other than signpost you to a domestic violence support service. The police would face huge criticism for taking no action and god forbid you’d been seriously hurt when Police knew that you had reported that crimes had been committed or that you’d “snapped” and hurt someone.
what did you think the police would do when you told them?
what made you think that the police are a domestic violence charity or support group?
hopefully this will all be for the best in the end for your family but the Police certainly aren’t the ones to blame for the position that your family now finds itself.
I hope that this works out for you all.

Why did you tell the police he was doing those things if you didn't want them to act on it? They're not a counselling service or a marriage guidance charity. They are there to establish if crime has been committed and if it has they'll arrest and go to CPS.

You can't retract DV allegations anymore. It was too open to abuse where the coercer forced the person the retract their very true allegations.

That’s some pretty serious bail, normally it’s only 30 days.
take a few days to think about things. Some distance tends to change your perspective.
he is a monster and what he is doing to you is wrong. What he is doing to the kids is even worse, their brain development will be seriously affected.
take the police advice. Get the help. Good luck.

What did you think would happen when you filled out the form?

I am sorry you're in this situation @PotatoSalad12

I hope the social worker is helpful and they signpost you to agencies that can help.

Your employer sounds very unhelpful. Can you get your GP to sign you off with stress for a couple of weeks?
You also need to tell your children's school what is going on.

You'd be surprised at how badly the children will have been affected by this. You may think that they won't have noticed, but they'll definitely be aware.

I’m happy to do that. No problem.

Oh I am so sorry, but the police have a duty to protect your children (and you.) Clearly what they saw here amounted to serious concerns, which perhaps you as the person directly involved have got used to so are not seeing in that light.

I really wish you the best and hope there are no repercussions for when he comes out if his behaviour was violent. It sounds as if you, your children and other women actually need protecting from this man?

Second time I’ve posted this today! You inform the police, they then decide the action! It’s not a service that you dictate what you want to happen.

There has to be a massive drip feed coming. IME the police are next to useless, so if they have taken the step of removing your husband, it must be a very bad situation. Putting the money issue aside, why on earth would you want to continue any sort of relationship with someone who is clearly a danger to you?

The police have done the right thing and now you need to take this as the opportunity to do the right thing by you and your kids.

don’t let your children grow up in an abusive home where they learn to think that their father’s behaviour is normal and that it’s how to treat women.

growing up in an abusive home is the most damaging thing that could happen to the children.

It has not been blown out of proportion. The police don't act like this for no reason. These behaviour are VERY concerning and you don't want someone like that living with your children, even if he is their father. And when he is eventually allowed contact, push for supervised contact at a neutral location.

IN the meantime, you need to accept you called the police for a reason and they didn't arrets him for fun. THe release conditions are also an indicator that you were right to call the police. There are clearly serious, concerning issues in play and you need to let them do their job. Short term will of course be difficult, but long term, you will be better off without him in your life day to day.

In the meantime, get your council tax reduced to a single income household.

Apply for UC and see if you're entitled to any support. You might be surprised.

Apply for child maintenance through CMS.

Ask your social worker for support for your children to see what might be available, especially counselling services.

Let your children's schools/childcare provisions know what's going on and make sure they don't release your children to their dad. Put a password in play at their childcare provisions for anyone who collects. Make sure they know to contact the police if he shows up.

Sit down and go through your outgoings. If anything can be cancelled immediately, cancel it (prime, online subscriptions, etc).

Get on to ACAS

they cannot issue you with a formal warning via a protected conversation.

you need employment advice too to protect your job

It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation, the kind of situation that makes it so hard for women to leave abusive marriages. You've got lots of advice so I just want to say - the police are taking it seriously and from what you have shared, there's clearly an element of abuse. This means your children are also a part of that, they're not passive witnesses. You will get on your feet. Ask any questions you need help for on here and someone will point you in the right direction. See it through.