Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

With all due respect put your children first..you will thank the police one day

You are an abused woman who has been forced into thinking its 'not that bad' It really IS that bad and its even worse for your children. This is very serious stuff. Talk honestly to the SW or you will find this escalates if you try to minimise and say its 'not that bad' . It really really IS that bad

If he’s been arrested and charged op then his behaviour has been very dangerous and he’s a risk to you and your children. It’s why the police now no longer need women in these cases and can make charging decisions on their own. Too many retract, proclaim they love him and take him back, wasting police time and it is always worse the next time.

you and your children need protecting, and you need to let the process take place. It will whatever you do, but you can’t be seen as you will take him back and endanger your children, as they will not allow children to be raised in a home where this occurs.

i know it’s scarey but you’re about to be free.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. It must feel like a nightmare. When you are in an abusive situation, you become used to it, it's familiar and when things are good there is this overwhelming relief. Right now things feel unpredictable and out of your control, and that feels scary.
As other PP have said, contact Womens Aid. They speak to women in this situation all the time and will be able to give you good advice.
If you are really worried you've used the wrong words which have eacalated this, you could tell us the words you are worried about and what you thought they meant, and maybe we can help put your mind at rest.

A protected conversation is usually used to discuss an exit from the organisation with a settlement……….

No, it’s not police action which has caused this. It’s your partners action. You need to demonstrate to children’s services that you can safeguard your kids. Minimising his behaviour isn’t the way forward or being separated from him will be the least of your worries.

Contact the mortgage provider and make sure they know what’s happening - they have protection measures. Unions have hardship funds. Talk to anyone that would chase you for money and explain the situation.

Hard as it is to accept..the police act to protect society as a whole from people like this and not specifically individual victims…though of course they should treat them with respect and compassion

Did you lie or exaggerate? If no, then I think though the situation may be hard now, it's best to allow the police do their work. It must be difficult and I hope you can access support. All the best.

@PotatoSalad12 what was the outcome you wanted?

Imagine being someone like @Villanellesproudmum and using a thread like this to make a point about Stockholm syndrome being offensive. Awful

One of 2 things has happened here; you told the police about your husbands behaviour and now want to retract that, or you lied to the police about his behaviour and now want to retract that.
Did you tell the truth? If so, the police have acted correctly. Your children need to be kept safe from their father,

You were brave to contact 101 and did the right thing. You owe it to your kids to see this through now. Please engage with the social worker and stop defending him and minimising. This impacting your finances is not a reason not to protect them. If what happened wasn't serious the police wouldn't be treating it as such. I think deep down you know this.

Are you saying you lied to the police?

Good luck OP, there is some good advice here.
It's unfortunate that many people, instead of supporting someone in crisis, are making irrelevant points about language.

And also criticising your action in contacting the police, and doing so bluntly and rudely. It's actually quite appalling.

Put your kids first, keep them and you safe, it sounds like you've been through an awful lot. Reach out to all the real life support you can, do you have supportive friends or family nearby?

Was everything you wrote in your report true? If so and the police think it meets the threshold then you have to let due process take its course.
it's not up to you whether the police take the incident seriously. They have no choice but to arrest him as their priority would be your safety . ultimately the decision on whether to prosecute will be the Crown Prosecution Service.

So you can’t do that. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want that outcome the police have a legal responsibility to go ahead

the CPS doesn’t care what yoh want.

whatever it was was bad enough for them to take action.

Try and accept that he will not be around for 90 days and breathe. Try and take some financial pressure off. Can you get a mortgage break? Does he have finances set up in a way that he is likely to keep paying ? It is in his interests to keep paying towards your joint home so is it likely that you're panicking or an actual possibility that he won't pay?

Talk to children's services and women's aid / the councils DV support. Be honest and open about your worries and regrets, but also listen, take advice, consider what life could be if you were free to make your own decisions. Enjoy the 90 days and don't make any long term plans until you are ready.

It’s really common for victims of DV to retract their statements, most people only report to police after repeated exposure to domestic harm.
If your children have witnessed this abusive behaviour towards you it will damage them. Him away from the family home is the best possible course of action.
If he doesn’t deposit the normal amount into your joint account/where the bills are paid from he will be jointly held responsible for any debt.
Ask your social worker about how you will manage your finances, see if you are entitled to any benefits. If you work ask them for some special leave so you can process things and make contact with your mortgage company and ask for a payment holiday for 90 days.
See if your social worker can put you in touch with someone from the DV team, someone you can contact who is not involved in the investigation. Get support from your family and friends. I’m pleased the police have taken action, for your sake and that of your children.

If you got some professional advice on what to do financially and found that actually you would be OK (benefits, payment holidays, emergency funds and so on) would you still want him back and think it had been blown out of proportion?

Bear in mind these men very often move on to the children...

This is a term that is banded about but in reality there’s been only very few cases. I don’t even think we’re into 4 numbers with it yet.

with only about 1200 cases with a 5% incident rate within those

so no. OP you do not have this.

You didn't go to the police expecting them to signpost you to other organisations or for them to simply knock on the door and shock him into being an okay person. You got what needed to happen from contacting the police, and what you'd reasonably expect when you report such crimes.

Obviously you're now in the position of having to tell other people, and to change some things to make life work, but that's okay. You can do it, you'll get support if you want it.

Good luck OP. Have a really good think about why you are really wanting to retract such serious allegations. Remember most women leave an average of 3 times before it becomes permanent. It may seem overwhelming at the moment, and lonely, but really you have taken the hardest and biggest step. Now you need to access all the help you can to stay strong for you and your children and hopefully your SW will be able to assist you.

What a vile post!

The term is not considered offensive. It is the diagnosis that has been called into question. Some psychiatrists doubt that the condition exists and it is not, and has never been, included in the DSM. Trauma bonding is not the same thing.