Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

Good luck with the social worker today, please let him/her help you and the children.

Did you confuse the police force with the citizens advice bureau, op?
It actually beggars belief what sort of “advice” you were expecting from such a source.

Apart from finances, are things easier without him in the house @PotatoSalad12 Be honest with yourself (and the social worker), do not minimise his behaviour.

If a friend of yours was suffering what you were suffering from your partner, would you advise them to put up with it?

Oh give over, you numpty 😁

I live in Stockholm. I shall see if I feel offended and let you know. Might take a while.

What outcome did you expect OP? That they'd bring him home to you?

I agree had similar sounding stuff happen to a relative and still waiting for the police to act in 4 months.
Come on OP there's something you are playing down.
I hope you get some support to get through this. Maybe the social worker can help with benefits.

😂

Hi. My daughter reported her ex to the police re his behaviour. We were astonished - we had no idea. She was 19 and he was 20, and she lived at home with us, so not your situation at all.

But again the police took it very seriously. They have to. They are not allowed to just record it and walk away - it is up to the CPS to decide whether to prosecute and you will have no say in the matter. You will of course be the main witness and sometimes witnesses refuse to testify, but then they can be in big trouble for that.

You should get proper advice about the proceedings, either from a DV charity or a solicitor. Do not simply ignore it.

Make sure you record any attempts by your partner to contact you, your children, your friends/family. At the very least get a ring door bell and set it to record. You can also get internal ring cameras which you can put in rooms to the back of the house to cover the garden.

He may try stunts like driving slowly past the house to intimidate you - we had a lot of that. Record everything, with video evidence if you can.

Your friends and family may be utterly shocked and even not believe it. They may take sides. Be prepared for this and be careful around contact with his family in particular.

In my daughter's case her ex kept his campaign up for aboutc6 months and then he was charged. It can be very unsettling. Consider getting a personal alarm like hollie.

Best of luck x

Im so sorry that sounds horrendous .
The police can proceed even if you withdraw because those serious crimes and their affects are worse and more dangerous than financial difficulties.
I hope you can get advice re: the financial difficulties and get some help .
CAB,benefit advice,employment advice etc.
If police have deemed him a danger SS will assess wether the children are at risk.

You felt in the first place that things were dire enough to complete the form
You mentioned stalking and false imprisonment. I take it this was when you were living together?
Those are serious claims, and any police force worth its salt would act on this
In circumstances like this, Social Services often state that if you took him back then your children would be taken away. There is obviously a lot more to this than what we have been told

I discovered yesterday that my bank provides specialist support for victims of DA. They allow you fill in a form online and they call you at a time that suits - no long waiting in a queue. And they were so helpful and signposted me to many other areas of support including citizens advice. I don't know if other service providers such as utility companies also have any other similar services but they might do.

Also make sure work know it was going on, they might make some allowances for you.

You might also want to consider personal safety apps such as hollieguard or brightsky.

Also make sure the kids schools know too so that they can provide support for the kids.

You might feel like it is an over reaction from the police but it is common for people who have had suffered years of abusive behaviour to normalise it and think it is no big deal or that it was your fault. But it isn't.

There is a lot of help and support out there for you OP, it might mean waiting lists but it will be worth it in the end. best of luck xx

So you’re a victim of domestic abuse, you asked for what? What did you ask for?

Because the Police read what you wrote and deemed that what your husband/boyfriend did was a criminal offence.

Right now you file for child support. You find out what you’re entitled to from the government/council.

The 90 days isn’t period until reunification- it is to keep you and your children safe and so you can come to your senses and take steps to make the new situation permanent.

The thing to realise is these behaviours ALWAYS escalate. You would have been in this situation again and probably worse if you’d not called the police.

OP I'm really sorry but you are going to have to claim UC as a single parent. Can your boys share a bedroom while you rent out the other bedroom? Can you increase your hours to full-time (if not already)? Sending love and flowers. It's so shit when men don't show you who they are until AFTER you're stuck with two of their kids. :'(

Also many banks are offering 200-500£ incentives to switch your account with them which is something I've recently done.

How on earth was that blown out of proportion?!?! That sounds awful!! Did your children witness this?

This could be worded a bit more compassionately considering OP's circumstances. Can people be a bit more respectful to a woman in crisis, please.

Why were you absent from work??

I’ll call victims who don’t like it numpties then because some random on the internet said their views are not important.

Maybe educate yourself of the reasons why, bless you, sigh.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’s absolutely in your best interests. If they were to drop the charges and let him come home, think about how he will “punish” you for going to the police. If you thought it was bad before, it will be even worse after. He could even kill you or one of your kids. I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m saying it to make you aware of just how serious these situations are.

Please engage with social services - they’ll want to help you. Go to Women’s Aid and CAB. Use the online form to see if you qualify for any benefits. Contact the council to get single person discount. Contact your bank, credit card providers, energy providers etc and see if any of them can help you financially.

if your employer has an employee assistance program - use it! They’re gold.

if you work in the grocery industry, apply for a grant to GroceryAid. You will need to prove you work for a company that is in the grocery business for this.

Good luck - you have done the hard first step. You CAN take the next. You’ve got this.

OP you said that -

They arrested under the following charges: 1. Stalking, 2. False imprisonment, 3. Coercive/controlling abuse/behaviour (apologies I can't remember the exact term for the last one).

Did he do any / all of those things? If so, it’s not been blown out of proportion at all and, kindly, you are focussing on the wrong things - I.e. getting him back. It’s understandable that you might feel that way, particularly if you been abused for a long time - it can take a long time to unravel those feelings and really see things for what they are.

You do need to focus on your children and finances and you’ve had lots of good advice so far - please follow this. Find out what benefits you’re entitled to, contact Women’s Aid and the Domestic Violence helpline. As PP have said, contact your GP, or go through your work’s medical support if they have this. Engage with the social worker and do not take him back. It might not feel like it right now, but this is your first step to escaping abuse for you and your children.

Absolutely this.

NB, know it's a bit of a derail but IIRC the issue is the phrase/diagnosis was invented by a male police psychiatrist to discredit a woman who criticised the police handling of a hostage situation she was caught in. It's not a real thing as described that way. This woman very smartly tried to get to know the hostage-taker to minimise potential violence, but this psychiatrist, without ever speaking to her, claimed she obviously had some sort of lady-psychosis that made her identify with the hostage taker and be 'on his side', which was not the case at all, she knew exactly what she was doing.

www.stadafa.com/2020/12/stockholm-syndrome-discredit.html

Hi am so sorry for what you are going through, if you felt the need to contact the police last week trust they are working in your and your children’s best interest I hope the social worker can help support you