Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

Babe, you’ve done the right thing whether you want to admit it to yourself right now, or not. For him to be bailed, the Police have to have sufficient evidence against him that has satisfied the CPS there is a case to be answered…
Get Social Services to help you re benefits, even short term as you’re a single parent for the foreseeable, take all the help you’re offered and you’ll get through this. If your OH behaves himself, he’ll be able to hopefully rebuild a relationship with his kids, and you. In the meantime, I hope he’s sat in the corner having a word with himself.
You’re stronger than you think you are, and I’d bet my house that by the end of this 90 days, you’ll be a different woman, and you’ll be packing the rest of his stuff 😉

I’ll tell you the story of someone I used to know quite well. She had a couple of kids, was pregnant by a new partner. There was domestic abuse going on and one of the older kids told the school. He was immediately placed into foster care that day (at his request), other child was allowed to remain at home but placed in at risk register. Partner was arrested and not allowed back. Children’s services told her she hadn’t protected the kids as she hadn’t reported it.

She was told she was not allowed any contact with her partner and if there was any contact the other child would be removed as would the baby when it was born. For children’s services protecting the children was the priority. You need to work with them and be open and honest about what’s happened.

I know it's not the main issue but this is outrageous behavior.

You say you've been transparent - Presumably you let them know you wouldn't be in? Unless you were AWOL and that's what the warning was for, I don't understand their justification for a formal warning.

Is their 'loss of confidence' in you purely based in these absences? Very odd if so.

Speak to ACAS/your union and appeal it. It's an additional stress you don't need and could impact you if they take further action in the future.

It sounds like the police have done the right thing by removing this man from your life, its just whether you can see that you need to do it as well

They didn’t do it for no reason, they did it because of the allegations OP put forward about her ex and they have a duty to protect her.

Although he’s bailed for 12 weeks now, it might be longer. I have seen cases whereby people have waited two years for a NFA.

You would be surprised how many people do this when a relationship breakdown. They put often false allegations forward to get ex out of the picture.

If you are still here @PotatoSalad12 if you haven't already go through your finances cancel anything which you don't need subscription etc. phone TV deals like Sky for cancelling or negotiating better deals.
Sort out joint accounts . Get bills into your name council tax into single band.
Any unsecured loans speak to them and get on a minimal payment scheme if you need to.
Go on Martin Lewis money saver.com to go through your finances with a fine tooth comb. Claim anything you can. And go through passwords and update things so everything is under your control.

You have 2 children who the police believe are in danger op . Put them first or you will find yourself dealing with ss to for minimizing his behaviour. Itay not seem to warrant the the actions that have been taken to you as you maybe so desensitized to it that it's become normal life, previous posters are correct the police see him as dangerous .

The "abuse" I've endured has been psychological rather than physical.

That doesn't make it OK at all. Psychological abuse is as traumatic as physical abuse, for you and more so for your children. They are growing up thinking this is what relationships should be like.

Perpetrators dont change look at the website of Lundy Bancroft , i think where you are is damage control you are thinking oh God ive done it now hes going to go mad anf you just want it all to go away, it wont go away and yes he will be furious and it will get worse, you can be as hoplessly in love as you think, its not love its control but put your children first..

OP I’m thinking about you this morning. You must feel shell shocked. You are going through so much. There is so much advice that must be very hard to take on board but please know that you are not alone 🥰

Depending on where in the SW you live and how much you earn, try the Avon Law Society.

Is it worth having the protected conversation to see what they want to offer you? Because time off and a lump sum might give you breathing space.

@PotatoSalad12 Please read this post several times. I understand you feel broken but if you take your abuser back you are not protecting your children from abuse (which includes witnessing their mother getting abused). So SS will make the rightful conclusion that neither one of you are able to care for and protect your children. This might lead to your children being placed (temporary at first) in foster care where they will be safe. You need to know this moving forwards. I am sorry for everything you have gone through but I'm very worried about the impact on your children as well.

In your shoes, I would seriously let them sack you.
Then you can claim Universal Credit and help with rent and council tax, while you look for another job.
(Luckily, you are renting. You would not be able to do this if you were paying a mortgage).
They have to sack you, you can't leave voluntarily.
Because who wants to work with dreadful people like that? Life is too short. You don't need that crap in your life on top of everything else.

Even if they don't sack you, look again at claiming UC. Even with a high income, you have high rent and children. It is always worth checking.

Thank you everyone again.

I now know who my IDVA is and she has explained that my MARAC meeting is listed for Tuesday next week. We are having a call on Monday morning at 11am to discuss what I need her to advocate for me.

And here I am, with a complete blank. What do they discuss in these meetings? What do I need advocating? I don't know. It's a weird feeling. Maybe I'll have an epiphany over the weekend.

Your children need to be advocated for @PotatoSalad12

They're in need of support because they've been in an abusive situation for so long.

I’m glad you’ve been allocated your IDVA now. The fact that your case is being held at marac further supports everyone’s concerns about your situation. It really does sound high risk and whatever information you shared with them must have indicated to serious abuse. MARAC is a meeting held by professionals where they will share information, assess the risk and create a safety plan. What do you want to happen in the near future OP? Is the relationship over for you? I would share this information with your IDVA as they will then advocate for you. It goes without saying that this sounds like an unhealthy relationship but being honest with professionals will help safeguard you (even if you are wishing to the resume the relationship - although I hope you are not)

Of course, you also need support, as you've suffered abuse for years.

You're a little in denial about the degree and extent of the abuse at the moment.

A MARAC (Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference) meeting is extremely serious, as it is only convened for victims of domestic abuse who are at high risk of murder or serious harm. It is a formal, confidential meeting where police, health, social services, and specialists share information to create a safety plan.

This time last week I wanted my relationship back seriously badly. Now, I'm one week on - almost seven days into no contact and I'm seeing that maybe I can cope without him. That hurts in a very conflicting way.

Wow OP you are certainly being tested on all fronts. If you can keep it together through these you can face anything. Hope you see a clear path ahead soon.

Genuinely horrified by this.

Women-led
HR “professionals”
Zero company sick pay
and misusing protected conversations to bully someone having issues linked to DV (which has a heavy sway towards women) and childcare (also predominantly a female responsibility (not that I agree with that). Zero fucking compassion for a woman whose life is being turned upside down.

i suspect they are worried that the police visit could harm your/their reputation and thought they’d stick the knife in ready.

Absolute bastards.

A HR consultancy that doesn't pay it's SLT sick pay? Wow.

I can't imagine how hard this last week has been for you, yet here you are still standing, well done Potato. As awful it has been for you sometimes things need taking out of our control and this may be the case for you here. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whether that be grief, fear or relief or anything else. Keep going and be gentle yet powerful🌺

Op it is illegal to not give statuary sick pay in the uk, are you a contractor?

either way your company sounds shit. What in earth is the warning for?

as for going it without him, yes you can. And better than you can living wirh abuse.

i hope as time goes on you come to realise its trauma not deep love you feel for this animal.