Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

Psychological abuse is still abuse

Op you sound massively in FOG. I think you are down playing what has been happening in your marriage. Mine was mainly emotional/psychological/coercive and now 14 months down the line I am sitting looking back and thinking WTF was I thinking staying so long. You know the adverts "but he didn't hit me....." in my journey, I have found the emotional scarring to be worse than the few physical ones Ive had.

I understand your fear for the future, I was the same..... but you need some help admitting it was abuse. One of the best tools Womans Aid gave me was the power and control wheel.....reading it was a HUGE wake up call and made me realise my guilt shouldnt be mine.

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

I work in a small business and sit on the senior leadership team. Unfortunately my absences last week (particularly Friday where I was escorted to the police station for half a day) has caused great unrest at work. On Tuesday this week I was unexpectedly hauled into a grilling with the other SLT members where they asked me to enter a protected conversation and proceeded to go into great detail about why they have no confidence in me and were unimpressed with my absenteeism over the last week. They know the whole picture as I have been nothing but transparent since the proverbial shit hit the fan. Unfortunately, it was not good enough and I am now on a formal warning.

This is a women-led business and we are an HR consultancy. The irony is not lost on me but it's yet another battle I just can't face right now.

I have to keep working, I don't get sick pay so can't go off sick, and I certainly can't show that this is affecting me at work because now, more than ever, my salary is imperative.

Please listen to this poster OP.

What is wrong with mumsnet indeed that there are posters on this thread stating that it’s awful to suggest that the worst victims in this are the children. That “non fatal strangulation” and “hardly any violence” is seemingly ok.

The only things the OP needs support for is to stay away from this man, to keep her children away from him. And if she doesn’t she needs to realise that she could lose her children.

Let’s not pretend that the police over estimate domestic violence. They absolutely don’t.

For them to have removed him from the home on allegations of stalking, coercive control, domestic abuse we all know that what he’s actually done is going to have been far worse than that.

He’s an abuser. The end.

The OP wasn’t prepared to leave, now that decision has been taken out of her hands, and regardless of the fact she’s struggling, the victims here now are her children and need to be her priority.

A woman who wants to take an abuser back at risk of losing her children doesn’t need to be sympathised with, she needs the sharp shock of realising what she stands to lose if she puts this man ahead of those children.

She’s had him removed from her, now it’s up to her to make sure he stays away from the children.

You very clearly are in an abusive truama bonded relationship and are now trying to back track on who your husband is and he what he does to you but not only you your children who will be indirectly suffering at the hands of their father. I’d be grateful they are giving you this space I know I would be. I referred my child’s dad to SS and I ended up getting my own home and away from the cycle of abuse it saved me and gave my child a safe home. I’d want the same if I was you. You clearly made the report on a level for this to be the outcome

Unfortunately you can’t decide long term that he stays away from the children without a court order.
i found this out after domestic abuse against me that OUR children still have to spend their time split between parents. Just because a man abuses his wife there is no reason usually he can’t see his kids or get 50:50 access. This is with the exception of strong evidence of physical abuse against the kids eg an iron on their back.

@PotatoSalad12, you must tell the social work team that you are not supportive of prosecution, so they can fully assess your circumstances and protect your kids.

And as for your husband, any decent parent and partner, in a situation like this, would think of their family and their welfare first and make arrangements for money to be made available to you. There is a way. Do you think that is a priority for him right now?

And to add to that this won’t be over in 90 days, social services will do risk assessments, encourage you both to do therapy sessions may put you on a child protection plan or a child In need which requires regular meetings and unannounced and announced visits. He may be able to see his children supervised by someone that isn’t you. They don’t take this shit lightly they take the welfare of children serious as you should be also

Im slightly confused? You reported him to police because you wanted advice, they’ve taken you seriously (as they should!) and now that they’ve taken action you want to ‘downplay’ or retract your report because it leaves you financially vulnerable. Is this for real? I’m wondering if you’re in denial slightly? I understand this must be a hugely stressful situation for you and that maybe taking action has sent you into a bit of a panic, but there is help and support out there for you. Police won’t have taken action like this without grounds to. Take a breath, let things process and contact the places being advised in other comments x

Surely a tiny bit of you contacting the police deep down knew that there may be further consequence especially given working in HR which leads a lot to how it made one feel as the ‘crime’. I think if your husband truly cares he will fight along side you to change his ways and show that he can get the help an support it sounds like he needs? Psychological abuse is a form of abuse. You know this. Maybe this will help if he can understand and learn from his behaviour.

That is truly shocking work treated you like that

OP I’m so sorry to hear about the lack of support from your colleagues. That is horrific.
I remember a good friend telling me that people would not believe some aspects of my story because they were just too uncomfortable to accept.
I know how it feels to be doubted but you know the truth. You are all in a crisis but this will bring a better life.

No judgement from me at all. I feel so sad for you. I'm not curious about what your husband did. I wish you'd gone to a charity or something instead as your first step, then you might have been more prepared for all of this.

I'm not a good writer & my deleted post I think came across as saying you should lie to everyone and stay with your husband. But I just meant, you must be so scared and feel so vulnerable, and maybe even like you've done a bad thing, and desperate to make amends with your husband, and maybe you still love him, and that's all ok - but you don't need to act on any of that or any other feelings right now.

To be clear, I don't think you did a bad thing or have any amends to make. I just understand if that's how you feel at the moment, because I think I might feel the same - anxious and scared and guilty. It's ok. I think you'll feel better once everything has settled down. Just don't do anything in a panic now. Just wait and see how you feel with the time and space you have now.

There's lots of people here to understand all the legal stuff and more about psychological abuse than I do and I think you'll get some good advice. But please ignore all the judgment and criticism. Don't let that get under your skin. You're having a hard enough time as it is.

It is brutal to be accused of not loving your children enough to keep them safe @PotatoSalad12 . But perhaps better to hear it from mistaken strangers on the Internet at a time in your life when you can and are taking action to protect them, then from their mouths in 20 years time when it's too late to change anything?

At any rate I wish you all safe. I think you will find more support to leave him than you expect. There are whole communities of survivors out there.

Thank you for seeing what I'm trying to say. You've explained it far better than me!

@PotatoSalad12 I know you have a lot to get your head round but please speak to citizens’ advice/log everything/maybe contact ACAS or ask for help on the legal board (not sure of name) because what your colleagues seem to be doing seems way off to me.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm very glad you got your child out at age 4. I wish my mum had done that. It sounds like your little one is having a rough time, but i really hope that it was early enough to be fixable, even if it takes a few years.

I also wanted to add how brave I think you are for going through with ensuring he was prosecuted for his actions.

@PotatoSalad12 I'm sorry to say this, but as a child who grew up in a domestic abuse household, i will never fully forgive my mum for letting the abuse happen. (And I'll always believe deep down that she let it happen, even though I know that is unfair and that she was a victim too.)

It's damaged our relationship beyond repair, despite the fact that she is a lovely person who didn't deserve the abuse she got. I can't help or change that, despite wanting to. If you take him back, then that's on you and the consequences down the line could be severe. I really wish you the best.

Those are very serious allegations but if you’ve retracted as you’ve said you will just have to wait to see what the outcome is. It is unlikely they will be able to proceed without your support.

Op think very very carefully about your own welfare and that of your children. You can apply for benefits or make more money. What you cannot do is go back in time and change their childhood to a safe and happy one. They also get one mum too a they deserve a safe and happy mum.

Be honest with your social worker so she can help you and sign post for you.

Oh and another thing I meant to put in the power and control wheel post.

Do not ever underestimate how much your kids will be affected. I always thought Id protected/shielded them from the abuse. Its now coming to light they saw and heard so much and they are now receiving their own support therapy via Womans Aid.

Please speak to ACAS about this. They can’t treat you like this. This is appalling behaviour and completely against employment law.

Despite the other issues, there were obviously very convincing grounds for doing this, usually the bar for these crimes is set (too) high.

Have you been ‘gaslight’ over a long period of time, minimising his behaviour?

Young DC need be protected and also to learn healthy boundaries, not have his behaviour be the blueprint for their own relationships.

Women’s Aid for general support and Citizen’s Advice for financial advice likely helpful.

Use a benefit calculator, such as turn2us.

You need to bear in mind that, even if your husband isn't prosecuted, social services have the relevant fact and must do whatever is necessary to keep your children safe. So it may well be that he cannot come back to live with you, and that is actually a very good thing.

I make my comment as a social worker and a trained therapist. Children’s Services use a different burden of proof to the police - with the police it is beyond reasonable doubt; with Children’s Services there just has to be a reasonable suspicion that something has happened. Even if you don’t support the charges against your husband, it doesn’t mean that the risk is removed for Children’s Services. To the contrary, this may mean that the risk is increased as it may signify that there are no protective adults around the children.

It is now a crime for children to be exposed to domestic abuse - this is due to the reams of research which evidences the negative impact that it has on their wellbeing and emotional and physical safety. As referenced by other posters, most parents believe they shield their children from what is happening - this is rarely true. From my role as a therapist I can say that I have worked with many adults whose parents were in abusive relationships and it usually has had a significant impact on them. An awful lot cannot forgive their parents for not getting them away from this - particularly when they become parents themselves (I know other posters have confirmed this). Children deserve a safe, stable and predictable home environment, this is what they need to thrive. This is not possible when there is domestic abuse within their household and that means physical and/or emotional. I know it has hit home when other posters have commented about you not caring enough to protect them. I won’t make such a comment, but it is necessary at times to have to make decisions that are solely in your children’s best interests, even if you don’t believe them to be in yours. Children do need to be protected and if it is considered that you are unable to do that of your own accord, the decision can sometimes be taken out of your hands.