Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

It is good that your son is voicing his concerns. That’s way better than bottling them up. I know it’s hard to hear but this is not your doing. I hope you have people you can talk to who you can be completely honest with and not feel you have to hide any feelings. This is a traumatic time and you all need support.

They arrested under the following charges: 1. Stalking, 2. False imprisonment, 3. Coercive/controlling abuse/behaviour

this is a touch more than “silent treatment”

Were the children present when the police arrested him?

They were not. The OP did specify that.

Also, attacking her is not kind or helpful. She needs support. It's only been a week.

What?? I’m delighted by the developments and just saying children must be so happy and settled at home without him there

no attack and very peculiar to think otherwise

I meant that from what the children witnessed, it would have been silent treatment, us not talking, me possibly being on edge, and as @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne mentioned: me walking on eggshells.

I do not believe the children have been and were ever aware of the intricacies of being stalked, not being able to leave the house or the controlling behaviour. I hid it from them as best I could. They may have picked up on comments he would make about me, e.g. clothing/makeup/who am I going to see, etc.

Apologies if you thought I meant all I have been through is silent treatment.

None of us (me or the children) were present when he was arrested. I made sure we were out of the house.

Just be aware that his bail can be cancelled before the full 12 weeks is up if the police close the investigation due to lack of evidence (which they may do if you haven’t provided a statement).

OP children living in homes where there is abuse taking place ARE BEING ABUSED. Period. Whether you think they’ve never seen, heard or experienced anything themselves. They are being abused.

You husband has been charged with very serious crimes.

MARAC is a multi agency response that deal with the most complex and serious cases of domestic abuse.

You and your children have clearly been at very high risk.

I assure you, these charges and this multi agency response has not just happened unnecessarily. They will have had overwhelming evidence to warrant this immediate and strong response.

I am glad he is away from you and you are right, you have time and space now to really reflect on everything and get used to a new normal.

Because you will get to through this and see what life has been like, and you will know that you can have another abuse free life x

I am glad you have an IDVA and I strong recommend joining the Freedom Programme.

It seems that school have previously recognised that your son has emotional difficulties, if he has ELSA sessions. They most likely stem from his home life. You now have the opportunity to put that right.

Regarding the IDVA:

You may find it helpful to discuss with her your concerns regarding if his bail is ended before the 90 days are up as well as what happens post-bail if he is not charged.

As he has clearly got form for stalking behaviour, I would recommend seeking as much advice and protection as you can. The Suzy Lamplaugh Trust run The National Stalking Helpline, who are worth contacting for more specific advice around how to stay safe: www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/get-stalking-advice-and-help

For example, you can seek a non-molestation order and an occupation order, if necessary. This would prevent him being able to come near you or contact you and would give you the right to remain in the home if the property is jointly owned/joint tenancy.

It is important to understand your legal rights as there are times when you will be expected to exercise them yourself - for example, if your husband is on your children's birth certificates, are they at risk of him trying to take them in order to spite you? If he were to take them it is hard to get them back as he has Parental Responsibility. This is something you should discuss with your IDVA and your social worker. If there are concerns regarding the safety of the children, then obtaining a Prohibited Steps Order may be warranted. All these orders are obtained through applications for the family court.

The period immediately around leaving and the first 12 months post separation are when a victim and their children are most at risk of harm from the perpetrator.

Your IDVA can request that the police send round a specialist officer to do a security assessment of your property and advise regarding any 'Target Hardening' that needs to be done to help keep you and your children safe.

You could also ask your IDVA if there are any other security measures available to you such as a free Ring doorbell. If not, I would seriously consider getting some form of CCTV installed due to his previous stalking.

I would take screaming and physical fights over atmospheres you can cut with a knife any day!

And that’s coming from someone who had to ring 999 multiple times as a child because my dad tried to kill my mum.

Obviously witnessing the physical abuse was awful but the walking on egg shells was indescribable.
Even as an adult I still feel physically sick when I remember the quiet tension in the air.

Kids are even more sensitive than adults are to these things.
So whatever you felt, they felt 100x worse and still are with this uncertainty.

@GottaBeStrong🙋🏼‍♀️Yep, I’m an adult child of a both psychological & physical abuser whose mother didn’t leave and protect us. I massively, massively resent it. It’s screwed me up for life. Both my brother and I are parents but neither of us have had successful relationships our entire lives and we’re middle aged now.

I've been reading but didn’t feel I had anything to add until your most recent posts.

I have left an abusive marriage after 20yrs. “Just” coercive control, financial control, emotional abuse so I just got on with it for so long as I knew he would make divorce and life for the DC a nightmare.

The police wanted to press charges against him, after being called by him with made up allegations about me, because I had not folded after a week of his silent treatment, and me and DS listing his treatment of us. We were scared it would make things worse and didn’t want to and they did eventually drop them.

Neither me or my (young adult) DC have spoken to him since that day. And the freedom is amazing. We no longer have to walk on eggshells, I have a job I love after being held back by him, the DC can eventually treat this as the happy home they deserve.

I'm not going to lie and say it’s been easy. Financially and emotionally it’s been hard. But the one thing all of us are firm on is not having to see him or speak to him ever again is the best thing that ever happened. DC all wish I’d done it years ago, but understand why I didn’t.

It won’t be easy, you will have the children’s relationship with him to navigate, and he won’t make that easy I’m sure, but your children will grow up seeing that nobody should live with that atmosphere of fear of saying the wrong thing, not answering quick enough, or just being the person he chooses to take a bad day out on. They will have noticed, my DC knew a lot more than I realised, and God I feel guilty at staying so long.

You have been strong for a week. You now can be strong for another week. Then another. That doesn’t mean you can’t cry, be stressed, be emotional, it means you can do all those things and still get out of bed and care for yourself and your DC.

Be kind to yourself, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’ve got this.

This is what I dread for my DC, at the moment they say they understand why I stayed, but I wish I had left when they were young.

Wishing you all the best OP.

A week isn’t a long time to process a massive, traumatic life change. Especially when you’ve been through so much in the run up to it. You’re doing well.

You feel so vulnerable and that you can’t manage on your own because he has spent years making sure you feel that way. You are capable of so much more than you can believe you are right now.

If you are still interested in financial advice from CAB you may be able to book an appointment online, you certainly can for my local branch.

Read my previous posts....do not under estimate how much your children will he affected or how much they know. Were they also walking on eggshells? Learnt behaviour is real.....

Sending love and strength OP.
You are doing amazing.

There is a truth to what @CombatBarbie says, and others I’m sure, I’ve skimmed.

however, get them out of this scenario and VERY QUICKLY they will begin to blossom and bloom again.

yes the atmosphere is toxic, yes they’ll learn to comply, but when the situation changes and the abuse is removed they will feel the benefits very quickly. You have a great support network in the police/charity/social workers/school, use it all and you’ll build them back up in no time. Now you have the space to recover, each day gets a little bit easier.

I know you can do it.

*meant that from what the children witnessed, it would have been silent treatment, us not talking, me possibly being on edge, and as mentioned: me walking on eggshells.^

oh the kids would have been acutely aware and with him gone - home will actually represent somewhere they feel happy and settled in with just you. By doing this @PotatoSalad12 you has salvaged their childhood. Well done!

Thinking about you OP 🥰

Thank you 🥰

Yesterday was the first day I didn't shed tears!!

I took both children out for a dog walk and we went to the train line to wave at one of the cross country trains. Simple things that we've not done since moving here in August last year. It was so good!

I also applied for a council tax reduction and opened a UC claim. I've emailed CAB and will see if they come back to me.

Today is a finance sorting day unfortunately.

I can see myself planning for the future here. It feels weird. And I still have a sense of guilt that my husband (or "ex-partner" as all the officials are calling him) is not going to be a part of it and won't have anything for himself.

You have a dog, but haven’t been able to walk it with your children in eight months?

That alone would raise questions, @PotatoSalad12. I sincerely hope you’ll be able to enjoy a more relaxed life going forward. (Despite current adjustment difficulties.)

I have four dogs. Walks were always to be accompanied by him. I would walk them by myself in my lunch breaks when working from home, and when there was daylight as we live in the middle of nowhere so when it's dark, it really is pitch black.

Now enjoying the lighter mornings and both kids have said they want to do a dog walk before school so that's exciting!

That is so weird. So you walked them alone. He also walked them with you. But he didn’t allow the children to walk the dog with you? Did he walk the dog with the children?