Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

SSP won’t touch the sides. I assume OP means occupational pay.

I’ve attended them for other (admittedly serious) reasons.

I am so pleased to read your last post OP. You are doing this. It is so very hard but you can do hard things!
I remember when my life imploded I could not imagine getting through a week. But I did and you have. You don’t have to sort everything out immediately. Just be completely honest with everyone and keep taking it a bit at a time.
Focusing on my children gave me strength. We are many years beyond our crisis but I’ll never forget the shock and horror of the early days. Gradually you will have better moments then days and you will move forward. You have been really brave and it will get better.

That's really hard to deal with, emotionally speaking.

However, it's good that you're starting to believe in yourself and your own abilities.

You can do more than cope, you can THRIVE. You're going to be so much happier than you've been for years. One day, a few months from now, or a year, or more, you'll be happier than you've been since before your kids were born. And you'll marvel that you stuck with him for so long and wonder what the hell you were ever thinking. (Answer: you weren't thinking, not properly, because he frightened and abused you until you couldn't). He's made you a shell of what you were. You will get yourself back. Everything will be so, so much better. Be brave.

You’re stronger than you think, and that shows in the posts on here. You’ve got this, and all the best for the future.

It doesn't need to feel ok all at once. These situations build layer by layer, and they are undone layer by layer. I hope that in time you will see that everyone involved was trying to support you. I'm sure there is still a lot of shock?

Slightly more supportive posts this evening! Thank you all.

I really hope I can be happier on the other side. It's a scary looking journey ahead.

The weirdest feeling has been the odd switch from "I really, really hope he makes contact with me" to "what on earth would I do if he makes contact with me?"

For those that asked, it's enhanced sick pay I don't receive so I would go onto SSP, which as someone said earlier, wouldn't touch the sides.

I don’t even know you but reading this has actually made my day ❤️

There is a reason why so many abusive partners are also controlling and don’t want their partner being without them too long.
And why so many people fight for harsher sentences for perpetrators, especially for psychological abuse - it’s not just about punishing the perpetrators but it’s about allowing the victim that space to actually understand how bad the behaviour was and find their own strength again.

It’s so easy to see it as normal when you’re in it but once you’re physically and emotionally out of it, you realise how bad it was.

Nothing would ever come before my children.
If I had to chop off my arms so that they can keep theirs, I would do it.
I would literally put their lives before my own and would die in their place.
And if it meant me being broken hearted and not being able to be in a relationship with the man I love, then so be it.

You are doing the right thing for yourself, your ex partner and your children.
You will ALL look back on this and be so thankful that this happened.

I haven’t read all the comments, but similar happened to me.

I was in a relationship that I didn’t even realise was abusive. After my second child I needed therapy for postnatal depression. In my therapy sessions I described my relationship, and my therapist called the police. At first; I felt much like you. That it was all happening too quickly, what would I do financially with a brand new baby unable to work, and a toddler. Honestly though, I took all the support that child protection services offered, and very quickly realised just how much danger I was in. Infact; the next time he ever came in my house after the case was closed etc, he was collecting the children and he attacked me so severely “for reporting him to the police” that I was hospitalised. I realise now, looking back, that my therapist reporting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. He can’t come anywhere near me now. I’m safe.

So, OP, please let yourself breathe. Take all the support offered to you, get some therapy. The freedom programme is absolutely incredible so see if you can get referred there, your social worker should be able to. Your local authority can help you with council tax relief and single person discount. You’ll be entitled to some support from universal credit and can apply for that online. They do an advance payment for new claimants, so you’ll have a bit of money to get by. Give your babies extra cuddles and kisses, they need you to be strong for all of you right now and I know it’s not easy but you will get through it.

it maybe 6 weeks until the claim is even opened she may lose her house before that

How are the kids doing? Loving the peace and quiet I imagine!!

Please stop it. It's just not helpful.

You have come a very long way in a very short time, @PotatoSalad12 … kudos to you!

They're doing ok, thank you for asking. I haven't told them any details about what has happened, just simply said to them that he's staying with a friend for a while. There were tears at the beginning of the week because they couldn't understand, then we've had to navigate why they can't speak to him on the phone. Lots of "I miss him" but they're getting on better now. We all are.

The school rang me today to let me know that my son had mentioned in his ELSA session that he is worried about me as I seem incredibly sad and I keep telling him I'm coming down with a cold. Which was true at the beginning of the week but I'm holding it together a bit better in front of them now.

Hi op... Sorry to hear about your employers attitude..
I wondered if you might get some advice/support from Acas.
https://www.acas.org.uk/support-in-the-workplace-for-victims-of-domestic-abuse-acas-response

Surely though the home environment is massively more peaceful, settled and less screaming fights and arguments and drama between their parents?

If you have him back you won’t be protecting your children. Go to all the charities available (women’s aid, citizens advice etc) and claim benefits and hardship funds. The police were doing their job.

She knows. Things have moved on a bit since the OP's first post.

please utilise the support of your IDVA especially when it comes to bail conditions ceasing. It could be that they are dropped before the 90 days if they file the case due to your non support of a prosecution. It’s good to discuss your feelings and have a plan in place of how you will manage contact

There were never any screaming fights. Plenty of silent treatment. Plenty of atmospheres you could cut with a knife. But we did not have screaming fights.

@PotatoSalad12 are you coming round to the idea of giving evidence for a prosecution?
Obviously the CPS will decide if the threshold has been met, but you were ambivalent about supporting any charges. Maybe, as time has gone on, you're more willing to say exactly what happened, and what your husband has been doing to you during your relationship.

It's hard, though. I hope you'll find courage and strength.

Honestly? No, I'm not there yet.

But I am aware it has only been a week (almost to the minute) of his arrest. I've got at least another 11 weeks ahead of me to get used to what this "new normal" looks and feels like - I'm still not sure I like it. But I am sure I don't have a choice but to try and embrace it.

Did you find yourself walking on eggshells around him?

You'd be surprised how much children pick up on negative atmospheres in the house.

Very much so. That is a fair comment.