Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

I really hope that you take this incredibly seriously and don’t allow it all to be swept under the rug simply because she was feeling drunk and emotional. There has to be some consequences for this.

It’s completely irrelevant whether you have different recollections of how wonderful her childhood was. Going by your post I agree with pp’s that she probably wanted attention rather than money, but that’s an issue for a counselling session, not to be resolved with a drunken fist fight with your mum.

In your shoes, I’d get myself home and in a safe place and then, when you’re ready, think about how you want to proceed. Do you want counselling together? Do you want to go low or no contact? Does she want to go low or no contact? In the meantime, don’t agree to see her alone.

I was just thinking the exact same - as in, if it was a 24 year old son instead of daughter, the replies wouldn't have been "oh, it's just a cry for help" "do you listen to her?" etc
You don't hit your parents!
Regardless of sex.
The double standards on here are ridiculous.

My opinion is not "wrong", it's my opinion, shared by many other posters. This forum is not an emergency service driven by the rules of emergency services. Posters can focus on what they feel is most important.

In any case, the OP is a grown woman with plenty of money who could leave her daughters presence. I don't believe she is in any danger of actually being hurt that she could not fairly easily avoid.

She is shaken because her relationship with her daughter is not what she thought it was. I feel sorry for her but I feel more sorry for her daughter, and I still feel the best way to actually help the OP is for her to begin to understand why her daughter may be behaving as she is. Lots of people have made some very good suggestions about that. Others have offered unquestionned support and that's the beauty of a forum, a difference of views.

Sorry but your daughter does sound very entitled and crtainly has some problems she needs to address with or without your support. but the potential of a physical attack where she only didn't uurt you because a friend restrained her is a step too far.
Either walk away until she is rational and sober or offer her support if she is prepared to listen but make it perfectly plain that if she physically threatens you one more time you will be out of her life until she is sorted and comes back to apologise for her behaviour. No way should you live a life where you are frightened or even concerned that your child may physically abuse you.

This forum is not an emergency service driven by the rules of emergency services. Posters can focus on what they feel is most important.

Yet you seem to have issue with me doing this.

In any case, the OP is a grown woman with plenty of money who could leave her daughters presence. I don't believe she is in any danger of actually being hurt that she could not fairly easily avoid.

You assume a lot, you really have no idea why OP couldn’t immediately leave.

She is shaken because her relationship with her daughter is not what she thought it was. I feel sorry for her but I feel more sorry for her daughter,

Who are you to assume you know how OP feels? She has said she’s not ok, believe her.

and I still feel the best way to actually help the OP is for her to begin to understand why her daughter may be behaving as she is.

The best thing is for OP to be safe and away from her daughter at the moment.

Sometimes we think we have done everything but the child doesn’t feel that way! There is clearly some emotional wound that came out when she got drunk. What she did is definitely not ok and I would very clearly draw that boundary with her. But it might also be helpful to step back and think whether there is a point to what she is saying.

All of this

then you have people saying go home & leave her to it. She’s crying out for attention from her mother not the opposite.

money spent should not come into it either, she was a child she didn’t ask for all that money to be spent. Bet she never asked Dad to buy the flat either

There must be something wrong with her. I don't believe any self-respecting 24-year-old actually wants a daily call from her parents.

Absolutely this. Is it possible she feels you threw money at her but don’t actually care? That you are disinterested in her? To you hold them money and your invested in her over her head? Do you take interest in her life? Just thinking, is there more to this? It could a lot deeper than you think. Some people think their children have had one childhood and the child’s view is that they’ve had a totally different one. No excuse to go and hit you though, obviously.

then you have people saying go home & leave her to it. She’s crying out for attention from her mother not the opposite.

Bloody hell, so she should just sit there and wait to be hit? Terrible advice.

Ensuring someone's safety doesn't mean calling the DD names. How does that actually help?

If OP had posted asking should she leave the flat. I think each and every poster would have said good idea. Plenty have said that in fact.

But that wasn't what the op phrased her post around. It was the interpretation of the DD's behaviour.

But yes, if the op feels threatened by the behaviour - and to me it seems she would - she should remove herself to safety.

Havent RTFT but I agree with this.

Cut the purse strings.

My mum never laid a hand on us as children but if I had gone to hit her as an adult she would have battered me. I hope you’re okay OP.. I don’t think you should be forgiving your DD for this unless she does some serious work on herself.

People who get violent when drunk or use their hands in general are just arseholes, there are no excuses. Cry for help with your words. Trying to assault your mum is a special low. Your daughter is an arsehole OP, commiserations. Leave her to it and don't consider resuming contact until she has properly apologised. Next move should be hers.

Sadly maybe this is true, spoilt brat with an alcohol problem? If there is a hidden issue you dont know about, it is also zero reason to abuse you. I'd tell her you're taking space as you aren't going to be around someone who had to literally be restrained physically from assaulting you.

Oh come on, I come from a really toxic family and no way would i try and assault either parent for any reason (in this case for 'not being heard' or whatever, which is ridiculous!). Physical assault has no excuse. This daughter is also an adult, she needs to sort herself out

You are excusing her.

I've rarely read such pandering bollocks about a violent 24 year old woman

Edited to add "violent"

I been hit on several occaions in adulthood by older brother - it's always minimined within the family as sibling rivalry and implication is I was partially to blame.

Several ex GF have mentioned domestic abuse - that's always been put down to spite.

There a lot going on under the surface - lots of toxicity and family rivalry - but utlimatley my sibling are unhappy due to choices in life they made and it's not acceptable for them to lash out - one with fists one verbally.

Brother doesn't hit everyone - but he's a bully and I think family minimising means he thinks he'll always get away with phycially attaking me - and honestly can't say he wrong - first time getting away with phycailly attacking me just meant it's more likely to happen again.

It is different when it's your child and I would try and see if there an alcohol or cocaine issue - but you have to stay safe yourself - if money there maybe some family counselling if eveyone joine din - it may be her perception of childhood is very different to yours but once there is phycial violence I think boundaries need to be put in very quickly.

I might have thought it but I've never actually had to be restrained by ANYONE. If my DH had to be restrained by someone because he was going to hit me, I'd be out of there like a shot. Why is this so different? Because she's a woman? Because she's a daughter?

Because we don't know what OP means by "restrained". If it's the need for actual physical restraint because otherwise DD would have hit OP, then it's unacceptable regardless of who is doing it.

If OP just means the friend calmed down DD verbally, or put a hand on her shoulder and gently encouraged her to move to another room to take a breather, that's entirely different. Also regardless of who is doing it.

Did you miss the 'catalyst for deeper feelings bit' before you decided to pull me up?
Nothing I wrote was wrong, extreme, insane and in fact you've agreed with my thoughts, how odd.

"oh for goodness sake' indeed.

OP hasn’t called her dd names and the chain you’re responding to doesn’t have people calling dd names so not sure why that’s relevant.

OP hasn’t asked for an interpretation of her daughter’s behaviour at all.

OP is in shock and needs support.

Her dd tried to hit her and had to be restrained.

Not sure why that’s confusing to you.

The OP hasn't but people on the thread most certainly have.

The dd has been called a brat, and arse and all manner of things - even a "nasty spoiled cunt" ( sic: NOT my words I hasten to add.)

How is it actually helpful to tell the OP that? People pointing out what the DD may be driven by are trying to focus on a way forward for op and her DD. If you want to focus on her immediate safety, that's fine, but I still don't feel that concern for her own safety came across in the OP. It was more outrage at the treatment - understandably enough, but it's a different thing.

Have you tried to build the connection though?

I treated my mum to a holiday in Greece when I was 19 because she hadn’t had a beach holiday before.

What did you do for your dad? I don’t buy this view that it’s the parents job to arrange and pay for things and for grown up kids to just enjoy.