Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

I'd like to hear the other side of this, while not excusing violence. Just because money has been thrown at someone it doesn't mean they've had a great upbringing with love, care and stability. In fact some very wealthy families are extremely dysfunctional, and some private schools are absolutely rife with teenage drug use as they can afford it. Making life as easy as possible for kids financially doesn't always end well either.

Absolutely don’t condone the attempt to attack you but your post is focused on the economic privileges she’s enjoyed and doesn’t say much about your actual relationship. She was triggered by your seeming lack of knowledge about her life, suggesting distance between you.

it’s up to you whether you can move past this but
I’d want to understand how it got to this point, I’ve been shocked by how differently my DS have perceived situations that I didn’t recall as meaningful at all.

What does that have to do with my post?

You seem to flit from point to point.

OP doesn’t sound outraged, she sounds sad and defeated. She has said she’s not ok and for all we know she is still in that property.

You and others seem to have very uncharitable thoughts to OP.

Well done for being so calm and measured. What has she done with her expensive private education and what is her goal in life now that she already has a property?

Every single person I know whose parents bought them property has not done anything career-wise because there was no driving need to, and why would you work hard if you don’t need the money?

Sounds like she needs a purpose in life so she isn’t brooding and looking for things to complain about.

Are you providing other financial support? I’d show concern and ask what’s wrong but also let her know that with this behaviour she’ll lose it. That might make a difference.

It’s completely irrelevant whether you have different recollections of how wonderful her childhood was.

I agree with much of your post but I don’t think this is irrelevant.

Recollections may vary but that doesn’t mean we accept the recollection of the most aggressive person in the room.

He should have had the police called on him.

The first time you let violence go unpunished you give the signal that it’s acceptable.

but I still don't feel that concern for her own safety came across in the OP. It was more outrage at the treatment - understandably enough, but it's a different thing.

I found aftermath worse than inital slap to face or punch to stomach from brother I wasn't hurt so bad I needed medical treatment yet .

It's left me upset and worried about it happening again and confusion about how to proceed going forward and emotionally confused and often very phycially shaky afterwards and prone to breaking down in tears and angry at minimising from family but often shut down from saying that. It's often years or decades between events as I stay away but every time it escalates - last time felt couldn't make a fuss as other stuff was going on but it wouldn't have taken much for it to be worse - it was a hard violent shove down stairs .

Yes I agree OP does focus on money and things gifted to child but this may be belwilderment and processing or it may be an underlying reason but what it's not is an excuse for DD1 behavior - and next time what if no-one there to stop it.

She sounds unwell, but you’d benefit from having a bit of an open mind. You may well have thought you both gave her everything she needed, but she’s telling you otherwise. Being bought a house is a dream but if you don’t feel like your parents love or are interested in you then it doesn’t make that better. You should really be concerned and looking to address how she feels in a proactive way. She’s obviously hurting.

What it has to do with your post is that you said no-one has name-called the DD in response to my comment that name-calling her wasn't helpful. I think you assumed I meant the OP had name-called: I didn't mean that.

You have also called people uncharitable because they are saying to OP the DD may have deep-seated grievances that have driven this outburst, and that in our opinion (maybe not yours, @nomas, but in ours) it is important to acknowledge that.

I'm not flitting from point to point but simply trying to answer your points because you keep coming back every time I respond to you. In any case, we seem to have interpreted this differently. I did think the OP had posted for feedback on the behaviour of DD - which was outrageous - and I, and others, were providing a perspective that it seems you simply don't agree with.

You seem to feel this was a case of the OP feeling very anxious about her safety. I didn't honestly get that coming across, but agree with you that if she does, she should definitely leave to safety.

And I'm not sure why you didn't understand my post.
"Restrained" can mean many things.

What it has to do with your post is that you said no-one has name-called the DD in response to my comment that name-calling her wasn't helpful. I think you assumed I meant the OP had name-called: I didn't mean that.

No, I said no one had name called the dd in the chain you responded to. I’m not responsible for what other people post.

You have also called people uncharitable because they are saying to OP the DD may have deep-seated grievances that have driven this outburst, and that in our opinion (maybe not yours, , but in ours) it is important to acknowledge that.

I said you have uncharitable thoughts for OP because

1. you said her post was about the interpretation of her DD’s behaviour, where as I think she is in shock and needs support
2. you said she is outraged, whereas I think she is sad and defeated.

You seem to feel this was a case of the OP feeling very anxious about her safety. I didn't honestly get that coming across, but agree with you that if she does, she should definitely leave to safety.

Yes I am primarily concerned for OP’s safety. The dd has the upper hand as she has shown she is willing to get violent.

I agree but I was 21 and under parents roof for a bit and it was made clear that wasn't happening and I was very much a dutiful child still. I went and stayed at now IL house for a bit then move out on for new job and then stayed away as much as possible.

Daftly I have had contact every few years with him - often under pressure from parents - and it's always gone bad quickly. He behaves when DH is around and I've used him as a sheild for years.

This last time I was on my own mercy dash up there for ill parent and I've finally admitted I dislike both siblings and I think I'm done with them.

She does send very angry and resentful. Maybe she did have a lot of material things growing up, good education et cetera but did she have a lot of emotional connection and love? Did she go to boarding school? It sounds like she wants you to know her. It doesn’t excuse her behaviour obviously.

You need to speak to your Ex about what she did.

She is a spoiled thug to do that.
She wouldn't see me for dust and I wouldn't entertain her until she gives a sincere apology.

You do realise this is not normal behaviour?

It is thugish and needs to be taken very seriously.

Obviously that’s why i said it’s no excuse to hit her. You’ve got no idea what on earth her childhood was like, just excuse her parents are wealthy. Alcohol could be the catalyst for it all coming out. None of us know and we’ve only got the OPs word for it

Her friend had to restrain her.

Report her to the police. She is abusing you.

You I absolutely agree, I felt bad that you had to go through that. Your parents should have protected you.

I’m so glad you’re NC now. It’s very freeing when you realise you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

Bit late in the day now. I'm assuming that a bit more than " a glass" of wine was had and now she (and you) has sobered up. If you're with other people and you don't want to have a proper conversation - as there's definitely something eating her - I suggest you go home early.

Yes. No excise for violence but spoiling and loving are not the same thing.

Exit yourself from this situation and sit down with your DD and ask her to outline her issues.
Give her the space to do this, listen and say you will come back to her on her points.
Then tell her how you felt about what she did and that you cannot and will not accept physical violence in any way

she’s spoiled and entitled ?

OP never said she spoiled her, she said her dd had a lot of love from parents.

Why don’t you know what floor she lives on!? Don’t you go to her flat?? How often DO you ring her?
be honest OP - is there actually a chance that there is something worth thinking about behind this?

Victim blaming at its worst.

Hopefully everyone has sobered up by now and your DD has apologised and you're all doing as ok as ok can be. The day after isn't really the moment for deep soul-searching but hopefully in the weeks to come you can talk together about what's really going on with each of you and between you. Good luck.