Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

She sounds like a spoiled brat and a thug to boot.

The sentence needs to be taken in context with the rest of the paragraph. It’s irrelevant in so far as it doesn’t give the OP’s daughter a reason to get physical with her mum. The rest of the paragraph went on to say that if there were issues over how happy her childhood was or wasn’t, that’s an issue for a therapist and not a reason to be hitting anyone.

Sounds like she has a deep seated sense of frustration about not being listened to. I am sure this didn’t come out of nowhere and is more an explosion that what has been causing her distress hasn’t been acknowledged.

I don’t believe anyone has had a perfect childhood. The fact the OP can’t think of anything at all that has driven this leads me to think she has been told but refuses to take the daughters view point on board.

Physical violence isn’t the solution. But paying quarter of a million for an education isn’t the main marker of a happy childhood- yet it is one of the very few facts we have been told

No @nomas - you misunderstand me. I didn’t say it was OPs fault here DD was attacking her, I completely forgot to address that. I’m doing two things at once, my fault. I was just curious about their underlying relationship. Obviously her DD is bang out of order attempting to physically abuse her, I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear.

Reminds me of my mother. She always insists 'we had a perfect childhood' (sibling and I). Because they (father and she) bought us this, and this, and this, and this, spent such, and such, and such amount of money. Also always mentions sums. And adds what they could have done with it instead if it hadn't been spent on us.

That's the only thing she talks about. Absolutely no mention of such stupid crap like 'love', 'respect' or 'feelings'. In reality, she was an awful bitch of a mother, and my father wasn't much better. Plenty of money and stuff, though.

I'd never hit her, however. Not because I love her or care about her. Because she's not worth it, for me to stoop so low.

OP obviously might be nothing like that at all. But her mentioning money and possessions first thing is a red flag, IMO. Still, the daughter should keep her hands to herself. Not worth it, whatever happened.

Outright London flat owner at 24 is beyond spoiled, that is literally a pipe dream for 99% of the population. She is spoiled beyond measure! You are NOT a bad Mum. You chose a high earning partner in order to give her the best and most privileged life imaginable!!! None of this is on you. Hugs, girl xxxx

I’m concerned about the expectation of daily contact initiated by me. DS2 lives at home but when he spends weekends at his partner’s a day (or even two) might've lapse between texts if there is nothing to communicate. I never call him 🙁. I thought I was giving him space to live his own life. I don’t want to be overbearing. I also don’t know his favourite song.

On the upside I know where he lives (in my house) and he didn’t have an expensive education or a flat bought for him.

He seems quite happy with the way things are for now but maybe in 4 years time it will be a reason to try to hit me?

I think my adult DC would be more likely to want to hit me if I DID call them every day - it would undoubtedly drive them insane!

Ah sorry, that makes sense.

Tell her not to bother to contact you if she’s had a drink. She needs to grow up at her age.

Maybe she was not the only one who'd had a drink.

These types of posts usually talk about the financial support provided. Throwing money at children doesn't mean they had a happy childhood. It would be good for you to have a conversation with your DD and really listen and take on board what she has to say. Most people would be hurt if their mum didn't know where they lived, have you ever visited her?

So sorry OP, it sounds very upsetting.

I did and said some awful things when drunk as a young adult. I was very angry because I felt unloved by my mother. I was wrong, and I am ashamed of it now. Now I recognise that my mother’s snapping at me and desire to have distance from me was because she was burnt out and hated parenting, and that she showed her love by providing for me financially. it wasn’t her fault that i didn’t understand her, but it crushed my self esteem and i was full of self-hate as a teen which eventually became anger as a young adult. could there be something like that going on? I am sure she will find her way through it. I think you should tell her how hurt you are and wait for her to apologise.

Too many people on mumsnet will excuse any bad behaviour just because of alcohol. She tried to hit you and is now still being horrible. At 24 she is no longer a child and you don't have to put up with her behaviour. I'd be leaving now and tell that you will be willing to speak once she apologises. If not, leave her to it. You can't baby her forever or indeed save her from herself. Does she behave as badly towards her dad? Why are you getting the brunt of her anger?

People get divorced, not everyone ends up troubled as a result.

It’s not a question of excusing behaviour because of drunkenness - it’s a question of looking at the behaviour and reflecting on things when everyone has sobered up.

Most people would be hurt if their mum didn't know where they lived, have you ever visited her?

What makes you think OP doesn't know where she lives?

She does know where she lives. She just doesn't remember what floor she lives on. BURN HER!!!

@Renamedyetagain would you have the same attitude if a unknown to you 24 year old went to hit you? I don’t think so.

The OP put a post on MN in the early hours of the morning that her daughter had had a drink and had gone to hit her but a friend had intervened. The DD is not unknown to the OP, it's really quite possible that both the OP and the DD had had "a glass of wine". The DD did not actually hit the OP and the greivance between the OP and the DD needs addressing in the short term, when everyone has sobered up, and in the long term probably with the aid of therapy. It's not ok to threatean physical violence against someone, of course it's not. But beyond that, no one can say anything more based on the very limited info (outside of the detailed financial narrative) that the OP has posted. The OP has not engaged with this thread, so do not get carried away.

Exactly

It's not saying the behaviour is ok, it's saying that in a good parent- child relationship where there is a one off incident like this the decent mature thing to do is step back and wonder what was underlying it and see how you can help with that.

I've rarely read such pandering bollocks about a violent 24 year old woman

Indeed. This thread is appalling and I'm not surprised that @P0loGirl hasn't returned.

There's no way in a million years that a 24 year old partner/boyfriend/son would be being defended like this. I'd love to have the time to quote some of the ridiculous excuses given here for an adult's violence towards someone who loves them. But this one is picked at random from the more recent ones:

Sounds like she has a deep seated sense of frustration about not being listened to. I am sure this didn’t come out of nowhere and is more an explosion that what has been causing her distress hasn’t been acknowledged.

No way in a million years would any of you accept that as justification if your daughter's 24 year old partner went to hit her. Or if your friend's 24 year old son went to hit her. Or if your own DH/partner went to hit you.

You wouldn't advise a woman to do that after her boyfriend tried to hit her.

Answers like yours, though, are looking only at the incident itself and not at the explanation given by the OP about what a "wonderful" childhood her daughter had. I mean, for goodness sake, how can she be like this after we stayed civil after divorcing, shared her between two families, and then spent a quarter of a million pounds on her education!

If the post has not included those details it would, I expect, have had exactly the response you and others were expecting.

No, she shouldn't have gone to strike out, but all in all I, like others, have more sympathy for what is likely to be a very troubled young woman than a mother who thinks of even mentioning the cost of her child's education in a post to elicit support.

absolutely! How on earth are we back on the “look what you made her do!”
bandwagon @saraclara ?!
mind boggling isn’t it!

So if a woman whose husband went to hit her, said "but I've been paying for everything, this is my house that I pay the mortgage and bills on, and I pay for our holidays" we can immediately have more sympathy for him, because she's mentioned money?