Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

"None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs."

Op may not have been perfect but why are you acting like she has only talked about money?

Ironically that’s what you’re effectively saying to me, that I shouldn’t be saying that OP’s safety at this time is paramount.

And it’s fine, we’re all allowed to disagree.

Her daughter went to hit her . It doesn’t matter how her friend tried to restrain her ,fact is she had to restrain her because she was going to
HIT her mother.

I agree, she isn't only talking about money. But she did make a point of it.

But the truth is the DD is telling the mum she didn't feel she had the support she needed.

I do feel for the op. Parenting isn't easy, and threats of violence are never deserved.

But I would also be lying if I just said " I think you have done absolutely everything you can and it all falls on DD: she is just a rotten egg and it all sprang from nowhere."

That just isn't how the DD's behaviour is presenting to me. I feel it sounds as though there are issues to address and DD is trying to do so.

Calling every day doesn't mean anyone loves anyone else even more. My mum talks to my brothers maybe weekly on the phone because they're all busy adults and that's enough for a catch up. A mate of mine talks with her mum every day on the phone but the chats are just "what are you having for dinner", it's not something that makes their relationship any deeper.

I hear you saying she's been financially privileged and is financially in a very secure place thanks to parental support. It's important that you've also said she's had a lovely upbringing as the money isn't the whole story. And what your version of family comforts might not be hers.

She might have had the fanciest school in the land or been a boarder but what she sees from her friends and their relationships with parents is something closer and warmer.

I think alcohol obviously hasn't helped in this situation as it's escalated and magnified things but those comments are likely to come from thoughts and feelings she already had bubbling away.

I wonder if there's an element of comparison going on, she's looked at friends' relationships with their parents and she's gone "they talk every day" or she's watched some stupid instagram reel which insinuates that if you don't know a loved one's favourite song that they don't really know the real you. Which is obviously codswallop.

Now that everyone's sober, I'd want to get to the bottom of why she feels this way. You can't change how she feels but you can find out why and I think it's got to be more than the phone calls and song. Be clear that it upset you and physical violence is unacceptable but to move forwards and work on your relationship you also need to be ready to listen.

I thought that too.

It is hard to make a useful comment without having an opinion in it somewhere.

Practical things
remove yourself from the situation, no point arguing with someone who is drunk.
No need to be dramatic, just state that you're moving to a different room etc
When this has died down/she's sober, arrange either a meet up or a telephone call and talk about the problem properly, the drinking has taken away any niceness she has and exposed her 'real' thinking.
Set your boundaries, she doesn't get to get drunk and try and assault you. My ds is 24, he tried once at 16 to hit out at me, never tried again, he's 6'5 so I wasn't prepared to be intimidated by him. Also divorced when he was 2, private education.
Sounds like she needs to unpick what she actually needs from you right now and money throwing isn't the answer anymore (said kindly as I'm sure you've tried hard to be there) and it sounds like she needs professional help.

But it isn’t ’do everything you can or violence is to be expected’. There is such a thing as ‘good enough’ parenting. One of my parents definitely wasn’t ’good enough’, the other had their issues but I think they tried and their parenting was ‘good enough’. Ultimately OP has cared for her daughter, tried her best to improve her life chances etc and only in the West would this be seen as somehow ‘emotionally negligent’. It’s a very luxury position.

It sounds like a lot of the financial assistance comes from dad.

if so mum cutting her off will make not a jot of difference.

Don't let this go OP. It is very bad. Hope you're safe and feeling better today. 💐

I do agree about good enough parenting.

But you are talking a bit as if parenting stops. The finish line has been crossed, and a reasonable score was awarded when DD reached 15, or 18, or 21.

In reality, the DD is expressing that she is hurting about the relationship. That doesn't give her an excuse to threaten violence, but I do believe scars from childhood spill into adulthood and can still be addressed. In fact, it is often in adulthood that a child fully grasps what they have felt growing up - and this can especially be the case when they have their own children and things become clearer. Lots of people realise retrospectively how hard their parents tried, but, conversely, others also conceptualise how alien to them it would be to put their own children in situations they were put in.

I am not suggesting the latter here, as, as far I understand DD doesn't have dc yet. I am really just saying that a parent-child relationship is a relationship for life. You don't just clock off with a pass mark of "good enough"at some point. If the DD wants to address issues, I think she is actually doing a healthy thing (just not in a healthy way).

Very well said.

While the DD's state of mind is obviously an issue, a mother has come here in distress after her daughter has attempted to hit her, and the vast majority of posts are saying "poor daughter". I'm appalled.

I can't believe that if a friend came up to any of those people, in the same distress, their response would be "well it's all your fault". But get peoplle behind a keyboard...

Totally agree. I feel bad for OP if she's still away with her dd.

She needs to get home safe and sound first foremost.

She's feeling unloved and angry because you don't remember her fav song and the floor her flat is on? Does she call you every day if you don't call her? May be a catalyst for deeper feelings but she needs to talk to you, not try to hit you. Hopefully you guys can have a sober talk soon.

For the record, I don't know many parents who know their child's fav song, it's a strange yardstick. She does sound a little unstable.

So at what point does the adult child become responsible for their own life and feelings and no longer has the right to abuse their parent over real or perceived failings in their upbringing? 18? 30? 50? She’s 24. She should be working, enjoying her flat, dating, doing hobbies. She wasn’t beaten, starved or neglected. Possibly her relationship with her mother wasn’t exactly what she wanted it to be, but she was adequately cared for, and now it’s up to her to manage her emotions rather than cause damage to their relationship. As an adult actually maybe it’s now up to her to foster the kind of relationship she wants with her mother rather than drunkenly attacking her.

Sorry but as the child of somebody with severe MH issues who allowed their partner to be physically abusive to us and made our lives hell (police, courts etc), reading about these ‘perceived hardships’ is very difficult.

Jesus. Some people will go to any lengths to blame the victim.

The OP has come here distressed at what happened. We have no reason at all to disbelieve her, or to question whether the incident happened in the way she describes.

She wouldn't have needed to come here if that attempt to hit her hadn't been very real, and the restraint needed, significant.

The OP is pretty clear, she says her dd 'went to hit me' and 'she’s trying to physically attack me'.

I don't think we should minimise that, we wouldn't if a man were trying to hit a woman.

And yes there has been a huge increase in young adults who need to feel heavily mothered like toddlers, ‘awww my mum does everything for me because she LOVES ME’ - one person I know still writes a list of items she wants for Christmas so the mum can buy it all. Really quite pathetic

I’m not going to share that on a public forum for obvious reasons…… far too outing.

But generally speaking my parents had a horrendous, horrendous divorce and custody battle and my mother was undiagnosed mentally ill so you can imagine. However he makes it sound like he was raised by a mix of Elena* *Ceaușescu and Pablo Escobar. We really, really weren’t lol.

But the truth is the DD is telling the mum she didn't feel she had the support she needed.

meh. That might be but she is 24 and presumably knows how to articulate a sentence. She needs therapy, she may need to stop drinking, and she needs to address what happens when alcohol, her and her mum are in the mix.

I wonder what the friend would say? poor her, goes away for a few days and ends up in the middle of this.

No I not saying that at all. I'm saying that you shouldn't be suggesting to other posters that it’s wrong to write what they are writing. And that's as far as I've gone in telling you what I think you shouldn't be writing.

Pre-empting a boarding school bashing post and will say, many day and boarding children turn out just fine and certainly don't hit or attempt to hit their parents.

The violence is never acceptable, and I am sorry to hear what you have gone through.

Well who spoiled her then?

I'd be worried about dumping the other girl to handle her alone.