Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

You will then remember her address.

Where does op say she doesn't remember her address? Not knowing what floor it's on isn't the same as not knowing the address.

I agree but still no justification to be thinking she can put her hands on anyone

@IsThatAHedgehog Has nailed it.

Sounds like a classic case of being spoiled. They have to invent hardships because they've never had any.

This. This is what she's telling you. It's not money she wants. It's love, time and listening

I am sick to death of this generation and their perceived suffering. She has had a privileged upbringing and has been bought an apartment in London. She has had a loving family and obviously has never experienced any kind of hardship.

Yet, here we are suggesting her childhood wasn't the happy one her parents provided her, that her mother is recalling things differently and what a failure she is for not remembering the floor the flat is on.

I would be telling her in no uncertain terms how ashamed I am. Her friend had to step in to stop her hitting you..!! The wine is no excuse either. I have enjoyed many glasses of wine over the last few decades and have never raised my hand to a single person.

Unless there is some sinister back-story you aren't aware of OP, there are no excuses for this terrible behaviour from her.

This thread ties in well with the ones about violence in schools and people tripping over themselves to deflect any responsibility from the perpetrators!
@P0loGirl take the advice of those who say remove yourself from the situation, she absolutely has to face consequences for this

You're using money to demonstrate that she had a wonderful childhood (expensive education, homeowner etc.). But money doesn't make a happy childhood - for that you need emotionally available and loving parents who listen to you.
Have a proper conversation when your DD is sober, and really listen.
In vino veritas.

Not acceptable at all. Regardless of her upbringing.

If it was a 24 year old man, the responses would be so different.
Stately homes, drinking problem, unhappy childhood; maybe she's just a nasty spoilt cunt?!

I hope things are calmer today;
hopefully they will be and you can have a chat about it all and if she isn’t sorry then I would be making my way home.

Sounds like recollections may vary when it comes to her childhood.
that doesnt mean she can hit you. Are you safe now? Maybe ask her to write you a letter? or see if she’ll engage in family therapy. I’d signal openness as there is a bit of a theme to what she’s saying about not feeling you care. That doesn’t mean she can hit you though.

Completely unacceptable behaviour, but all you talk about is the money you've spent on her, OP, and material things.

She seems to be criticising you not knowing her as a person or about her actual life. I suspect some deeply rooted feelings of emotional neglect, plastered over by a veneer of a 'naice' family and a 'naice' lifestyle.

She’s a violent drunk. Kick her out and tell her to stay out until she gets some help and can behave herself. She’s 24, not a toddler. She should be ashamed of herself and will likely find herself in trouble with the police if she behaves like that with someone else.

Nothing makes violence ok, obviously.

It sounds like she sees her upbringing very differently, it might be time to get some help so you can discuss it between you safely. Or she may need help herself before any conversation happens.

You talk a lot about money and material possessions, but that's not really relevant.

I don't think that an MN thread is going to be sufficient to get to the bottom of this. However, adult children often suffer from emotional neglect in childhood and their parents' divorce is quite a strong indicator that the family the OP's daughter grew up in was not emotionally all there.

If she was a male the story on here would be so completely different. It’s disgusting behaviour. It’s not like you don’t even KNOW her favourite song, its just that you couldn’t remember, I mean Jesus,what, we don’t all get a blank sometimes? It’s not like you don’t KNOW where she lives but rather what FLOOR, which is reasonable to sort of not remember that . At least for a while anyway . As for calling every day, well if she wants to speak to you so badly, why can’t she call you?

This, can’t believe all the victim blaming posts towards op “yeah ok, she was violent towards you op, must be something you did!”

does that also work with violent
sons
partners
class mates
strangers?

”yeah but… let’s think about them and what you made them do… how can you make it up to them?!”

Is this a usual reaction to alcohol for her? I worked with a man who chose not to drink as even after just a pint he wanted to punch everybody’s lights out. His words not mine. He knew that drinking would lose him, friends, family and more so chose not to. Extreme I know but that’s how it is for some people.

I am absolutely not condoning her hitting you and not suggesting her anger is justified, it isn't and you must be feeling shocked and upset.

However, it does sound she has had an incredibly privileged upbrininging and is behaving like a spoilt brat. I suppose if you hand them everything on a plate they come to expect it. I think you need to draw a line in the sand after this behaviour. Withdraw some of the financial support until she can behave like an adult.

A materially privileged upbringing is absolutely no guarantee that the OP's daughter received the love and support she needed to become a strong independent adult.

Obviously, she absolutely should not hit you. No excuse for that.

There is something else going on, though. She feels aggrieved about something. You say you spent a lot of money on her but she isn't complaining about you not providing. Or you being divorced. She's also not really complaining literally because you don't know her favourite song. She's complaining because she feels like you don't know her and haven't shown an interest. Possibly that her parents have used money to avoid emotional labour.

Has she got a point? I do always think something is up when a child is very upset and the parents keep saying "but we spent so much money on you" and not very much else.

If she has plenty of cash and went to private school and is 24 then cocaine may very well be in the mix with the booze.