Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

I boarded

so did i, and Boarding School Syndrome is a real thing, and many many boarding school children/adults would benefit (or would have benefitted) from some therapy.

I have no idea why DD is so pissed off with OP despite OP providing the perfect home environment for DD… but I have a feeling the posters on that thread might be able to shed some light on it.

Oh for goodness sake. It is clearly not literally about the song or the floor. It's about the daughter feeling, rightly or wrongly, that her mother doesn't know her in general or show an interest. Getting physical is obviously a totally unacceptable way of expressing it but it's not about the bloody song.

I completely agree. I didn’t have the best childhood in many aspects and generally I’d say our parents weren’t very good, but after a certain age it’s your responsibility to find ways to heal and move on from it, or learn to cope.

Generally speaking everyone I know who still clings to their childhoods as justifications for bad behaviour are just trying to deflect from whatever real adult issues they aren’t facing.

Get away from her she’s a spoilt little shit who doesn’t appreciate what she’s been given. Let her come running to you not the opposite and good that her mate saw the real version when she starts denying it or can’t remember. Not ur fault for giving her a good life.

Yes, the drunken attacking is entirely the wrong way for the DD to go about it.

But I don't think it is fair - or ultimately helpful to the OP either - to dismiss the idea that there are real issues behind that.

I don't think anyone ever has the right to abuse someone over their feelings. But I do believe people retain the right to express it. I'm sorry if you disagree with that last point (not saying you do), but it is something I believe. I don't think parents should reach a point where they say "be off with you, you've had your upbringing and the window for resolution has closed" if their children are wanting to address it. But, yes, they need to find a way that is respectful and productive, not abusive.

Well, you have spoilt her and made her a brat. Step back and leave her alone.

I agree

OP is in a volatile situation where she still feels unsafe.

You said 'the main need here is to enable the OP to recover her relationship with her child'.

I'm saying you're wrong, that that is secondary, and that the main need is to get OP home and safe and away from her volatile dd.

Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean you're not being allowed to write what you're writing.

OP might get savaged if she does that. Whatever the rights and wrongs there are a lot of people on there who have been very hurt by their parents and will project. OP, try listening to her when she’s sober and see if there’s a grain of truth in anything but don’t let her treat you as a punchbag. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to go home and talk to her another time. Does she drink frequently?

Obviously she went entirely the wrong way about it, but it sounds as though this recent conversation was DD trying to talk to OP about her childhood, and it sounds like she genuinely wants them to be closer.

They can both try to move on from this incident (therapy may help) but they will only have the closer relationship if both sides want it. So if OP doesn't want to try to build a closer relationship (which is entirely her choice) then she may have to accept that the result is that they don't have any relationship at all.

I mean it's obviously far from OK, but I doubt if the OP wants to write her daughter off, and just saying "she's spoiled" raises a lot more questions than it answers.

Spoilt entitled brat springs to mind. You've created this monster now you have to feed it

Agree.

And I think in pointing out that the DD might feel there are issues, people are not trying to minimise what OP has been through but rather contextualise it.

And - while again emphasising that there's no excuse for getting physical - if OP also thinks that the whole scene was literally about nothing more than the song or the floor, that's illuminating.

Have hitting or threats to hit featured in the daughter's life? I'm not accusing OP of anything, we don't know, but I do remember my parents making a lot of the "terrible ingrate who raises a hand to her parents" thing when I lashed out in fear once as my father, who hit me a lot and was clearly about to do it again, advanced on me.

Whether her mother knows her inside and out or not, there's no excuse for physical violence. And at 24 years old, with a flat in London bought outright for her and all the rest of it, she's in a very different universe to some poor bloody sods. Perhaps if she stopped getting pissed and did some voluntary work for homeless young people, she might realise how important her favourite fucking song actually is.

Firstly what a spoiled little girl - and I am so sorry.
It sounds like a really difficult and hurtful situation, especially having it escalate like that after a few drinks. Being shouted at and physically threatened by your own child is not okay, regardless of age.
I do think it might help to separate two things though. The practical side of what she’s been given in life (education, housing, support) and the emotional side of your relationship aren’t the same thing. Someone can have a very secure, even privileged upbringing, and still feel emotionally disconnected or misunderstood for reasons that aren’t always obvious.
Forgetting a favourite song or not calling every day wouldn’t normally lead to that kind of reaction on their own, which makes me wonder if something else is going on underneath for her. Alcohol can lower inhibitions and amplify feelings, but it doesn’t usually create them from nothing.
That said, trying to hit you crosses a line. It’s important to acknowledge that behaviour as unacceptable and make sure you feel safe.
It might be worth having a calm conversation with her when she’s sober, focusing less on what’s been provided materially and more on how you both feel in the relationship. You don’t have to accept being treated badly, but there may be something she’s struggling to express in a healthier way.

If she has actually made physical contact with you by lashing out when drunk or otherwise then you involve police.

Sounds similar to my experience a few years ago except that she actually struck me, I called the police and she was, to her utter amazement, arrested. She spent the night in a cell which seemed to focus her mind, when she was released, I said I didn't want to pursue it, she was a different person and never tried it again. Since then our relationship has been much better oddly enough.

Do you think when a woman posts on MN about her husband trying to hit her that posters try to contextualise it?

Or that when a woman reports her abusive DH to the police or Refuge that the police and Refuge try to contextualise it?

Or is their priority to ensure the woman’s safety?

If yes, why does OP deserve any less?

I hope reads this.

Sorry you went through that.

I’d leave and go back home. Tell her you are leaving because she is horrible and to get in touch when she is sober. You can’t change other’s actions and how they treat you, only your own and how you respond. You should not expect yourself to put up with this.

OP can walk out, she's not a dependant child or a gaslit economically dependant wife She obviously doesn't feel that unsafe because she's not done that.

You said "The immediate need is to support the OP who has been attacked her daughter.
All the armchair psychoanalysis should be secondary to that."

I'm happy to disagree with you that other people's posts taking a different view of the problem should be secondary to your own.

We don’t know why OP can’t leave. DD might have the car keys for all we know. But it’s interesting that you just can’t empathise with what OP’s situation might be.

I'm happy to disagree with you that other people's posts taking a different view of the problem should be secondary to your own.

Sorry but you’re wrong.

Ask any emergency service or women's organisation and they will tell you that their priority is the woman’s immediate safety, not resolving the family relationship.

The explicit guideline is the victim’s safety is the primary focus, not mediating relationships.

Whilst violence is never OK (and i hope you are safe) even as a young adult, her behaviour is communicating with you that she is not ok.

will give you my very personal perspective. My Dad has given / spent a lot of money on me. He would say the same as you re: love. He does not know what my favourite anything is, he does in short now know or see me, our relationship is very surface level, if he asks how i am he expects me to say that I am fine, he is not interested that i am not. As an example, my now ex left suddenly a year-ish ago, i was completely blindsided ( we had a 2 year old) and distraught, my mum and best friend were on hols so i rang him. He did answer and was kind-ish for the 5 minutes we talked. It was two weeks before he next contacted me to see how i was 'getting on'

I can be grateful for the money I have had from my Dad and I can be upset about our lack of connection. They are not one and the same.