Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

Not condoning her behaviour at all but all you have said is she lives a privileged life cos we spent loads of money on her education and bought her a flat!! Does she feel like you’ve replaced actual parenting with money, you don’t know her tastes, her address, anything about her but that’s ok cos she had loads of money spent on her? That’s what I a getting from the post

There’s a lot of material focus and mentions of money, flat, education in your post. Is there love, warmth & care too?
is that her issue? The lack of love and emotional contact?
Doesn’t excuse her behaviour & I hope you’re okay, but odd to lash out like that out of nowhere.

It's absolutely not the case from the OP that all she has done is speak about money. She is away with her daughter and spending time with her. She has said she has a loving and secure family.

It's so weird people will take the most surface level comments and run with it. That is what they mean when they say literacy levels are appalling. It's not about being able to read words on page, it's about being able to understand them and fucking hell a lot of people can't read.

So can lack of love & emotional support/interest/parenting. Money at everything solves very little.

She sounds spoilt and entitled. And in need of finding trauma in her privileged upbringing to moan about.

Just cos they feel it was loving doesnt mean the daughter does. All I got from the post is that she’s had a great up bringing cos we spent money. Being rich does not make you a good parent

Case in fucking point 😅

Op I’m not sure you will get much solace from this thread because in the Mumsnet world, whenever a child is horrible to its mother, by default it is always the mother’s fault. Young people can’t just behave like idiots because they are young and being ridiculous, there always has to be some other excuse.

Is this out of character? @P0loGirl

If it is in the sober calm day of today both of you need to talk

Not PP, but a quick advanced search shows that OP also has a 3-year-old daughter.

It's hard to say whether the daughter's anger has merit based purely on what OP has said, but it does sound like an interesting situation, being 24 and having a mother young enough to have a 3-year-old and a father rich enough to buy her a flat.

It's so weird people will take the most surface level comments and run with it.

You've done exactly the same.

Her mother says she has a loving and secure family. OK then.

My mother and my family would say the same but there's a reason I've been NC for over a decade.

That is what they mean when they say literacy levels are appalling. It's not about being able to read words on page, it's about being able to understand them and fucking hell a lot of people can't read.

🤣🤣🤣 literacy levels 🤣🤣🤣

There are a lot of people on this thread thinking it's you that can't read between the lines, not them.

You are all adults, so no matter what has happened in the past violence is never the answer. Good that her friend was there to step in.

Agree with pp that if this was a DS the answers might have been different. However. Victim blaming isn't the way to go.

In OPs shoes i would: leave the trip, tell DD i love her and will wait for her to contact me about it when she is ready. Thank friend for being there for DD during this time, whatever it is really about.

And then just contact DD as usual (for eg i WhatsApp mine every morning and then through the day, with memes or things they might find amusing) and just see how it goes from there. And maybe therapy for DD?

There are a lot of judgmental, opinionated, emotionally unaware comments on here.

I am a pastoral lead at a private school. All my students come from obviously affluent, privileged backgrounds....the hobbies/houses/holidays etc.

When you grow up with it, it becomes your norm, your reality, and actually becomes irrelevant. What is relevant is the attention, time, care, support and love they feel at home. My students can keep a lot inside, but then one offhand comment from a parent, which highlights their hurt at not feeling seen, can provoke a volatile reaction.

Your daughter has not felt seen, understood or supported enough. Sorry to sound blunt. Of course she should not have reacted like that. Wine is the demon. But an emotionally stable, grounded and sure person does not lash out in hurt and rage. And this was clearly coming from a place of deep hurt.

So all the comments about spoilt brat, entitled, ungrateful etc. Are really not seeing the probable cause.

She is a spoiled brat that has had so much money thrown at her that she has become entitled. She is also screaming out for love, time and parents that stayed together. Obviously there is nothing you can do about the split but maybe once she apologises you could give her your time. I also think you need to have a conversation with her father and maybe you can both take her out for lunch together and ask he what is going on in her life and reiterate that neither of you will except violent behaviour.

am interested in all this money the DD had spent on her growing up. Was that for boarding school? if so: therapy is a must. I survived it, but not everyone does unscathed (and i am not entirely unscathed by it, but i have worked through my feelings about it and am at peace with my parents decision to choose it for me)

I agree. She needs some care, love and attention. She may not want that anymore as she’s in her 20s but she needed it all at a younger age.

Money has nothing to do with any of that, from your post OP you obviously think it does. At times I’ve been very poor my DC still had all of the above.

pack your bags this morning and either go home or to a hotel…you can obviously afford it.

How you cannot know where your daughter lives is beyond me, you sound just like my parents. I’m very LC with them.

Yes, but as I say, 2 sides to every story.
This is the OP's viewpoint only.

Why? The dd is the person who would need our support in there. Poor her 💐

I'm surprised that that post is being quoted approvingly when it says:

Your daughter is upset that you don't know her ... her address (I have to say, I agree on the address part, particularly. How do you not know where your daughter lives?)

which seems to be something that poster has made up.

The amount of justification for violence on here is shocking.

If OP had said DS or DH or a man on the street had threatened violence would you all be falling over yourselves to say the same nonsense?

VAWG is as much a problem when the violence is coming from women as it is when it’s coming from men.

A 24 year old, whatever their childhood, is an adult who should be able to regulate their emotions drunk or sober. If you saw a drunk 24 year old threatening to hit a shop worker or nurse or random person on the street because they felt ‘unseen’ would you still say ‘oh it’s because she had a hard childhood you see. Every benefit money can buy but her mummy doesn’t know her favourite song’ or would you, sanely, think this is someone who needs to get a grip on their behaviour.

The fact that so many mothers are advocating for a mother to take responsibility for the violence of an adult child is staggering. Is it because it helps you feel better about your own parenting? Or just a handy excuse to get a few digs in at another woman to feel superior?

Although violence ahould never be the answer, we are only hearing one side of the story.

Well yes, hearing one side of the story is how mumsnet works. Do you post this comment on every thread?

All these perfect parents on here are going to get a shock when their adult children start critisising their parenting