Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

That’s because you’re wilfully ignoring where OP talks about how much love her daughter got.

All I got = all i paid attention to.

We only ever get the OP’s side on MN. It doesn’t mean the OP doesn’t deserve support after talking about the aggression her dd has shown.

I agree. My parents were wealthy so we had a nicer than usual home and so on.

I’m in my 50s now and still trying to deal with the failings from my childhood. On reaching my 40s I had to seek help and the therapist called it emotional neglect from toddler age and through. Until I heard the words from a professional I had no idea what it was or how to cope.

In stark contrast I had my DC very young as a teen. My only rule to myself on parenting is I’m doing the complete opposite to my parents. So there is love, cuddles, attention every day.

I don’t think I was ever even cuddled as a young toddler, I just remember being plonked somewhere and left to my own devices. The first proper cuddles I recall are when I was the parent.

God forbid a woman ever put herself first, right? Even after attempted assault from her dd. It always has to be her children or her husband.

OP says she doesn't know what floor her daughter lives on.
She might know her actual address is 123, The High Street, but she's never been to visit her daughter at her flat (or she'd know what floor it is on) and she hasn't had enough interest in where it is to find out that this reasonably basic piece of information.

And when OP says she doesn't know her DD's "favourite song". The point isn't that she doesn't know one piece of information. I don't know either of my adult children's favourite songs but I do know what sort of music they like listening to, their favourite artists and have some understanding of how their musical tastes have changed over the years and their influences. This is because I take an interest and talk to them.

On the other hand, my mother sends me flowers every year for my birthday because she thinks flowers are a lovely gift that I should like, despite 30 years of me telling her that I don't like fresh flowers and could she please stop sending them. If I said "my mother doesn't know that I don't like flowers" that sounds petty too. It's not. It's part of a pattern of disinterest and disconnection.

Mine does every day. But I still know dc had a better upbringing than me.

I’m sorry that was your experience but if the OP says her dd had a lot of love and support from both sides then I am going to believe her.

We can’t use OP as target practice for every MNetter who had a neglectful childhood.

If she has actually made physical contact with you by lashing out when drunk or otherwise then you involve police.

Your DD is out of control if she is lashing out at you when drunk and should be ashamed of her self. She is a grown adult.

You have a right to be safe.
Don't let this happen again and again or she will find herself behind bars.

My parents say that too. They say I had an idyllic wonderful childhood without a care in the world.

And no I’m not blaming the OP I’m just trying to point out that her DD needs some love and support.

Also to the OP I do not think violence is ever OK. That’s why I said to you to pack your things and leave so you know you are safe.

My dad was the only child of his parents' marriage. They divorced when he was a toddler and both my grandparents remarried and had more children. My dad grew up very weird.

"Perfect" parents have the ability to take on criticism and to self-reflect. Not instantly dismiss their children as spoilt brats.

People react to what's written, and what's written was a lot more than that the daughter went to hit her and she had a loving childhood.

The hitting is unacceptable but not entirely incomprehensible. The daughter is either mentally unbalanced or the mother's belief that her daughter had a loving childhood is incorrect, possibly both and the first caused by the second.

Mumsnet isn't, and hasn't been for a long long time, purely for support. Perhaps there's another forum that is, where searching questions and criticism aren't allowed. If there isn't one, then it seems some people feel the need of one and should start it instead of telling other posters off for perfectly reasonable comments.

I had similar with my daughter who sided with her dad when we split up. It hurts so much but now I can look back and understand a bit better. Girls often idolise their fathers and she sees him as her provider and protected..... he can do no wrong in her eyes! I couldn't even speak to my daughter without her raging and screaming and swearing at me. Now I think she was hurting because her 'perfect' family unit had gone and I was the only one she could blame! I wrote a letter to her and in it I said that I still loved her very much but didn't like her at the moment and I thought that it was better for us both if she didn't see me whilst she felt as she did because it was hurting me too much. Writing to her gave her a chance to consider rather than to immediately react. It was the best thing I ever did. She had to bite her lip at times but she never swore or raised her voice at me again. It was a risk I know but I couldn't go on as we were. I think you're at that point too x

The immediate need is to support the OP who has been attacked her daughter.

All the armchair psychoanalysis should be secondary to that.

A 24yo woman who complains her mother doesn’t call her every day suggests that she has had a lot of support growing up.

A phone works both ways.

I wrote a letter to her and in it I said that I still loved her very much but didn't like her at the moment and I thought that it was better for us both if she didn't see me whilst she felt as she did because it was hurting me too much. Writing to her gave her a chance to consider rather than to immediately react. It was the best thing I ever did. She had to bite her lip at times but she never swore or raised her voice at me again. It was a risk I know but I couldn't go on as we were. I think you're at that point too x

This is really good advice, I hope OP sees it.

I'm afraid the criticism that you don't call her every day made me laugh. I had that in the other direction, from my mother. I pointed out that the phone works in both directions and my dad had to leave the room to laugh.

Where has OP called her dd a spoilt brat?

OP’s last post said ‘I’m really not ok.’ There should be empathy for OP.

None of this is an excuse to hit someone. Imagine if this had been a DH or DP lashing out - I'm sure responses would be very different.

Absolutely this!

With the added irony that here we are on a thread where some posters are lashing out at the OP, in some cases based on their own made-up version of the OP in their heads, because they've got unresolved issues in their own lives.

Sounds like and absolute spoilt brat. Sometimes being given everything on a plate like that doesn’t help kids turn into nice adults.
You did your best. She sounds awful and needs to stop drinking and practice gratitude.

DD did not hit OP.
She threatened her when angry. Yes, OP said "her friend restrained her" but does that mean the friend just put out a hand to hold her back and told her to calm down or physically grappled her to the floor? I suspect a lot of us have got angry, felt like we wanted to hit someone, but not actually done it. That's not remotely the same as actual violence.

Posters see things differently. I see the main need here is to enable the OP to recover her relationship with her child.

That goes a lot further than sympathising with her that she was threatened but not hit. It's easy to deal with that, stay away from the girl.

I just wish MN at the moment wasn't so stuffed full of people trying to tell other people what they can and can't write, it's every day!

She's a spoilet brat. Put your foot down with her, she can't treat you like that, it's shocking. She has zero respect for you OP, I'm fuming on your behalf.

I think there is a lot in this post op.

One of the things that I have noticed both from IRL observation and these threads is that when parents split and move on, often the children don't move on in the same way.

When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's it was a time when family breakdown and divorce and remarriage was much more common than it had been in my parents' day. And I am not saying they had it right either. The fact that it has become easier for women to move out of abusive situations is a good thing.

But I think along with that we have tried, as a society, to normalise something that isn't ideal for children. I do feel strongly that lots of issues stemming from this have been brushed under the carpet with comments like "children adapt."

Children adapt because as vulnerable people without the means to care for themselves or assert what they need, they have to. Simple as that.

But I do think that gets internalised - and that seems to be exactly what is happening here. A lot of internalised distress is manifesting now that she feels old enough to address it. It is telling, I am sorry, that you reference the financial provision, because it is very typical as a "brushing under the carpet" technique for parents to lean on this as proof of their great parenting. As another pp said, see the Stately Homes threads.

No parent is perfect. It is too difficult and too long a job for anyone to get it 100 percent right. But I think it is important for parents to be open to where they have fallen short - and I feel your DD is telling you quite loud and clear. Maybe help her get some healing. It isn't finished or "ruined." You can try to address it.

ETA but I am sorry about the threat of violence op. That obviously isn't an acceptable way for her to express her hurt.