Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

It’s not ok that she tried to hit you, but do you think she might be saying she wanted for nothing materially but you weren’t there emotionally? Do you really know her as a person?
Education and a flat doesn’t make you good parents.
Could something have happened in her life recently that she’s not been able to talk to you about?

What a load of crap. She has had money AND love.

You don’t hit your mother. End of.

What were the real difficulties and what does he invent?

At face value she sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.

But there's always 2 sides to every story. I'd love to hear her justification for her actions on here. You've obviously provided for her financially. But how about emotionally? Any history of abuse growing up?

From the OP
She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s

What's she normally like?
Assuming she is normally nice then this could be an alcohol problem, or a stress she can't articulate

I am not sure why you needed to mention the private education or paid for flat though. That's all irrelevant to how good /bad our parents are at what really matters

Exactly this.

Exactly!

yeo Exactly that!

If it’s so traumatic at 24 having your life funded she could turn it down, not accept it.
give up the bought property, rent a flat above a shop, cut her hair and get a job?

Agreed!!

She obviously feels harmed by something. Money being spent on her doesn’t mean you were all emotionally available, healthy, open and kind to her. Clearly she thinks you’ve done something damaging or neglectful. Have you tried talking to her about it when she’s sober?

Could also be this. Alcohol makes me switch almost instantly into a real twat who says horrible things to get a rise. No idea why and it’s why I don’t drink.

Your daughter is upset that you don't know her favourite song, or her address (I have to say, I agree on the address part, particularly. How do you not know where your daughter lives?)

I don't think that's particularly shocking. I hardly know anyone's address without looking it up. I had to look up my late mother's address every time I sent her a card. I could drive to her house, but could never remember the house number. I couldn't even tell you the name of the road my SDIL lives in, it's a flat in a big house with 3 entrances in two different roads and I don't know which road is the "official" address of the building.

Agree, wonder if the dd knows her mums favourite song?

It's clearly not literally about the song.

I have no idea what my adult daughters' favourite songs are. Does anyone, once their kids have left home?

It shows how irrational her daughter is being, though.

The violence isn’t okay at all …

However I would suggest that there’s something deeper going on here and a huge amount of denial/naivety on your part about how blissful her childhood actually was …. All the examples of “love” you give are financial. Money isn’t love!

It must feel so weird and isolating to be the child from the first marriage- who isn't really part of either new family.
Obviously a lot is going on for her- not at all condoning her behaviour- but she needs to talk about this in a less fraught situation- and you need to listen
I would be distraught if I felt my mother didn't really know me- no matter how much I had been bought. Because it starts feeling like she got the money as a substitute for emotional closeness

It sounds like you are excusing her behaviour though IsThatAHedgehog

Even if you are right about op’s dd feeling that her mother isn’t there for her emotionally, at twenty-four there is absolutely no excuse to express that by going to attack someone, never mind your own mother, and to do that in front of a friend is utterly shocking.

Twenty-four is very old to be behaving this way, even when alcohol is a factor.

I think people are being unfair to op who said that the dd has loving families on both sides and lots of support. What more can you say about a loving relationship? Why then does everyone ignore that and focus on the private education and Putney flat?

Does no one think that being away with your dd and her friend in the first place indicates a degree of emotional closeness?

I hope you are ok this morning op 💐

I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I think I would pack my bags tbh and knock on your dd’s door and tell her you are leaving. Check her friend is ok and go home. Tell your dd that she is welcome to discuss any grievance she may have about her upbringing with you at any time but only when she is calm and sober and that she owes you an apology. And tell her that if she is in difficulty in any way that you will do what you can to help her because you love her. But you will not tolerate being physically threatened by her.

And I would take this as a sign to step back a bit now op. You can give dc too much. She sounds over indulged and maybe needs to stand on her own two feet for a bit?

Even if I could afford it, I don’t think I would give my child a flat in Putney at twenty-four. It’s a lot. How much say did you have in that decision? Does her dad spoil your dd op?

I think it’s preferable that young people have to strive a bit and live in shared accommodation, and be forced to adapt to others and get the corners knocked off a little. To realise that they don’t know everything about life that there is to know yet.

My DDs are similar ages and they both had their moments of being quite rude and rebellious as teens but they are now living in shared flats and working and continuing to study in low paid situation. They have to buy their clothes from Vinted and shop very carefully for food. Tbh I think it has done them the world of good as they no longer take their upbringing for granted.

Take this as a sign to focus on your own life now op. Be less available, except if your dd has something serious to discuss of course and is sincere about it. 💐

Exactly. Posters are inventing a neglectful childhood so they can act like amateur psychologists.

My mum doesn’t know my favourite song or my post code but she is the most loving mother who would walk in front of a bus for me.

What new family?

I'm sorry you won't find this comment supportive but I write it in the hope that it could actually spark a reset somewhere in your or somebody else's relationship.

It is striking that threads on this topic so often start with a post saying how much has been spent on the son/daughter's education.

Sorry OP thats very upsetting and not acceptable. Hope you're ok

I think DD may need to consider her alcohol intake

But also, and I mean this kindly, does she have a point? Youve no doubt financially spoilt her, and shes had financial support but emotionally is she lonely? Struggling?

I think its bad you dont know the floor her flat is on even if her dad bought it. Is there a reason you dont know? How long had she owned it - have you visited?

I think the song thing is a bit dramatic. And calling everyday - well does she call and you dont answer? Do you call weekly? Is there a reason she wants daily calls and thats a big deal.

I think you need to talk to her, sober and maybe spend some of that money on family counselling. Because it sounds like regardless of what youve provided she feels you havent met her emotional needs as a young adult and it may be an easy resolve so for my child id try.

But again no excuse for violence, I hope she feels ashamed of her behaviour and apologises