Dd24 just went to hit me

[P0loGirl]

Apparently we’re the worst family and I should “be a real mother”. She has the most loving family both on my side and her father’s. But I couldn’t remember her favourite song and I don’t call her every day and add a glass of wine into that and she’s trying to physically attack me.

To give a background - her father and I split when she was two. All she’s known is secure family units on both sides. I don’t even know what to write. She’s had the most privileged upbringing, upwards of a quarter of a million has been spent on her education, she’s always known the comforts of family life.

But we’ve come away for a few days, she gets drunk and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world because I don’t know what floor her flat is on. The flat in London that her father bought her outright in Putney. She’s a property owner at 24.

None of that matters emotionally and I honestly believe that her father and I have given her all the support she needs. But yet tonight she was yelling at me and went to hit me. Her friend had to restrain her.

Quite. My parents divorced and I had a less than perfect childhood, but I didn’t get drunk and start hitting them.

OP’s daughter has no excuse for her behaviour. She’s 24 and needs to grow up.

She sounds like a spoiled brat, my parents did some really terrible things to me growing up and never once I have ever gone to hit them.
I would be telling her this morning either she knocks the drink on the head or gets herself into therapy, she sounds incredibly spoilt.

I wonder if this is a cry for help? I'm sure it wasn't pretty and may even have been a bit scary for you but don't lose the chance for repair with your own daughter - don't wait for her to repair. She sounds a bit lost to be honest and if handled well by you could be a turning point for you both for the better.

She does need to grow up and agreed she shouldn't resort to hitting ever but that doesn't mean she isn't also hurting - the two can and often do go together.

Kids shouldn't be spoilt
It really doesn't help them
A bit of hardship, challenges etc
Teaches them empathy and perseverance in life
Gosh I can't stand entitled young people 😞
Imagine trying to hit your own mum
How horrifying

This is what sprung to mind for me.
My own mother used to say "after all we've done for you" - what she meant was monetary things, which she thought equalled a perfect childhood. What I actually wanted was someone who was interested in me, who showed me she loved me, who was proud of me.

I would never raise my hand to her or anyone else, I'm not excusing that, but your post reminded me of my mother, and privilege does not equal love and security.

Will her friend talk to you? You need to know if this behaviour after a glass of wine is a regular thing for her. The friend might know if there's something else going on in her life.

Had your DD always had a short fuse? Was this out of the blue, or has she been unreasonable or difficult for some time?

You've remarried and had more children? You've just moved house? Are you still etc, or are you pregnant? She shouldn't have went for you, but as said, you've lived the money her father has spent, but put nothing about your relationship and how she's coped with all the changes. Has she had money thrown at her in the absence of care?

Sorry op but you’ve created a monster. What a spoilt brat.

Whilst violence is never the solution and never the problem @IsThatAHedgehog hits the nail on the head

you say she grew up with 2 secure family units without any pause to think about the fact she grew up without her parents ever being together and one suspects with siblings who did. That is tough and needs acknowledging- do you? Or have you just thrown money at an emotional problem

then is it that her father side is more well off the fact that in all of this you mentioned that he bought the fact in a post that leaves out a whole lot of information

do you want a relationship with her because that involves I think seeing it through her eyes those words you are a bad mother aren’t just designed to hurt and upset you they come with real emotion and one suspects truth - are you prepared for the fact that her childhood from her perspective is different from how you see it?

2 things can be true:

The OP's daughter may not have had the wonderful upbringing that the OP imagines (I too was struck by the focus on money rather than any other measures in the OP).

Violence or threatened violence towards others is unacceptable (except in self defence), and so the OP's daughter has behaved badly.

The victim blaming here is pretty shocking.

Yes, the daughter seems unhappy, and yes, OP needs to dig deep into where this is coming from. But a bit of empathy for a mother who's just gone through a shocking experience might be helpful.

I feel for OP who's going to return to this thread to find nothing but "well it must be your fault" when she's in dire need of support.

I agree with this, I’d definitely not be threatening no money or saying how much you spent on her, that would really not be listening to her.

Have a chat with her when she is sober, really listen to her, have you not visited her flat? Is that the issue?

hopefully she will be mortified about the incident, tell her it’s not acceptable behaviour but do give her an outlet, an opportunity to talk, also an opportunity for you to talk.

I would apologise.

I'm sorry that you feel lhurt / angry/ like you didn't have the life you thought you deserved.
Your feelings are valid and it's okay to discuss them in a respectful way. However, ita not okay for you to you to attack me physically or verbally. If you behave in that way again (consequence) I will ask you and your friends to leave/ call the police/ cut you off financially.

It sounds like she's had everything but feels like she lacks emotional connection with you.

Agreed.

Really? The vast majority are saying how wrong the daughter is? And even those that aren't aren't excusing the behaviour.

Wonder if all the not knowing the DDs favourite song = bad parenting, would be happy taking on this mantle if their offspring were asked and they got it wrong?
Yes op should talk to her dd, but the dd first has to apologise for her violent behaviour

I don't think being spoilt has anything to do with this. She has no excuse for violence towards you. That would be the case whether you bought her twenty flats or whether you gave her twenty quid. The amount of money spent on her is irrelevant. Would it be ok for her to hit you if you hadn't bought her a flat?

The fact that you brought money into it is telling and suggests you view your relationship with her as transactional.

PurpleMilkshake

Might be reading in my own experiences, but your post seems to be mainly about how much money has been spent on her. From what she's said, (floor of her flat, favourite song etc) she doesn't feel you're paying attention to her for who she is. I think you need more conversation in the cold light of day about how she's feeling, try to set your reactions aside and listen to her first of all.

I was thinking this too op, whenever the kids get upset over something dh starts listing all the great things/ advantages they have but that’s generally not what their problem is and you can have problems/ feel sad no matter what you have

She’s an adult - if this was a DS or boyfriend that went to hit you, the responses would be very different. Reverse sexism is rare but is alive and well on this thread.

She sounds an insufferable brat. I would cut her off until she’s willing to apologise.

Does she live in the Putney flat?

Tell her she needs to stay there and not visit you until she understands that you will not tolerate her violent abuse.

She sounds like an over privileged brat.

This. All you talk about is money op.

Goodness me, imagine what the comments would be like if DD were a DS! She's 24 for fucks sake, there is no justifying her behaviour, you don't hit people!

My parents were a bit shit, but at 24 I was a mother myself, my friends without children were working professionals, far beyond the age of teenage tantrums. If she thinks you are such a bad mother maybe she should stop accepting your handouts and grow up!

My brother is like this. We did have a difficult childhood is some aspects, but when drunk he recounts a very fictional version of events.