My parents are sleeping in chairs in the living room

[Pigeonangel]

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I live very close and visit often. Always have done, am happy to. They're good company and have been fantastic parents and grandparents. When DH was terminally ill, and subsequently died, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them.

That was only 5 years ago, they were there constantly for all of us, helping with house and car repairs, running errands etc. Until they hit 80 they were amazing sprightly older people who could do anything - furious at the suggestion they might be "vulnerable" during lockdown 🤣

How things change. In a matter of months they've both had health issues that mean their mobility is badly affected. Until recently it always seemed to be worse for one at a time and they're a great team so got by supporting each other, without asking or wanting much from me.

Now Mum can shuffle a bit with a frame and Dad is unable to walk at all. Last night they both slept in chairs downstairs. Mum suffles about to get food, do some cleaning and bring him a bed bottle etc. She managed to do a roast dinner for them both at the weekend, although I can't believe for a minute that would have been safe.

Mentally they are both totally with it, the house is perfectly livable (ie not dirty, if not practical), they seem OK from a personal hygiene pov, and are insisting they don't need anything from me or social services, they slept well last night and can manage.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry i haven't read the entire thread, but my dad was dad was doing incredibly well up til he was about 88. We got a stair lift put in- my dad paid for it himself and, because the stairs were straight, it was an easy job and done within the week.

He got an assessment from adult social services and was given an alarm system - he had to wear a lanyard too.

He was offered a commode for downstairs but was happy with the stair lift.

He got a bar put on the bed to help him get up and out of it.

He never used carers - he was still largely independent til he went into hospital aged 91 and died after a short illness.

I hope you find what works for your parents.

I know this suggestion is ridiculous but is your sister married or do you have any other male relatives? I find people in that generation listen far more to men than women!

Either way, could your dad manage better with a commode chair maybe?

Don't you think they might agree, if they have resigned themselves to living downstairs?

Should he be hospitalised again, make sure you make it very clear, in writing, to the hospital that he cannot be discharged home to your mother's care because it is not safe, and and discharge arrangements must include a social services assessment and adequate care arrangements being put in place.

You could ask Social services to make a “care needs assessment’
y can let them know in advance what the situation is as some people may downplay the situation rather than opt for changes that would improve their life

So what are you going to do? Just moan on mumsnet?

Ask social services to make an assessment
if you have a look at their website there is a section to ask for help for an adult
if you require evidence of care needs you can always put a nanny-cam in !

OP - it is the hardest of all places.

I had this.

But, you must accept and respect their wishes.

That is extremely difficult as it means accepting their fragility, their and your vulnerability, their age and the limits of their lives.

It is also hard because accepting their word makes you feel bad, irresponsible and unloving - after all you are not "fixing" it.

It was dreadfully hard for me and my siblings. We had very determined parents - they got their wish and lived by themselves at home, and died at home.

We managed to get them to accept a "cleaner" toward the end, who came in, lit the fires, made lunch and so on.

As I say, it was really hard to "allow" it, but now I look back and am very glad that we did.

Good luck and go easy on yourself.

I don't know about involving their GP "on their behalf" but you can get a visit from a private OT who will do a thorough assessment of their needs and list any concerns - this can then be given to their GP to initiate an application for support in the home.

OP, when my late dad was frail and unwell, SS organised for an occupational therapist to visit. She got someone to come and put risers under the sofa which raised it about six inches and made getting up out of it easier. Dad was very resistant to interference but he was really pleased with that. She also had him walk in front of her, and she identified that he was subtly doing the flat-footed shuffle, and let him know to remember "heels first, heels first". She also got him to accept a panic button arrangement and a zimmer frame, by saying it's better to have it and not need it than the other way round. And she gave him a sheet of exercises that he could do sitting on the sofa.

Long story short, it was all really helpful - and free! Your parents might also be entitled to attendance allowance, which is for someone to come in and help them, and PIP, another type of payment.

So, call SS. They can help.

In terms of worrying about your parents, I totally get it. There were some simple things my dad could have done to help himself, and he just refused to do them. And you can't make them. My sis and I had to accept that if he came to a sticky end via an accident on the stairs, say, because he wouldn't rent a stairlift, that that was up to him and there's nothing we could do about it. That is very hard to accept, and I only sort-of managed it near the end via experiencing the pits of despair.

This is a very hard stage of life, because you feel responsible but you have no actual power, unlike when you're responsible for the well-being of children. And even if you're not technically responsible for them, emotionally you are, because if they come to a sticky end at home it will break your heart.

Not enough is said about how utterly challenging it is to deal with ageing parents. May the force be with you.

If you have to get about by shuffling with a frame, you are a fall risk. Both her parents need panic buttons.

I'm tired and read your last line as "It may take a few cats." 😄🐈‍⬛

It might be ludicrous but it's also very, very common.

One concession my parents made was allowing us put in a few cameras.

That way we could see if anyone had a fall.

Agree, OP isn’t receptive to any suggestions. Not sure why she bothered posting.

It isn’t that she’s not receptive, it’s that she’s tried all the legal ones.

She’s venting, looking for empathy and possibly holding out hope for a magic approach she hasn’t tried yet.

I don’t know why posters think someone at the end of their tether who has been struggling for a while with a difficult situation won’t have tried the most obvious of suggestions.

This. My best friend lives with her mother as a carer but best friend is also a stroke survivor. Her mum is 90 and fairly active but with heart issues and deaf (uses hearing aid). They could do with a cleaner and friend would like this but her mother refuses to entertain the idea. She’s been away barely at all recently but says her sister could have mum to stay if she does go away. Tricky. Luckily both my parents have each other, stepdad 10 years younger and both are fine physically and mentally for now.

Best friend considering stair lift too as her mum is less mobile. God knows what her mum will say.

Dart and net them, and drag them in!

This is very tough. If they are stubborn and refuse help, it will make getting them the help they need very, very difficult.

But they do need help and you need to sit them down and talk to them about their options. Explain that if they fall, have an accident, they could end up going into a care home. Float the idea of carers popping in to help out. Can downstairs be converter into a bedroom? Do they have a downstairs bathroom, or could a chair lift be installed on the stairs?

Hope it all works out OP.

Please talk to them.

My mum had a terminal diagnosis but lived a further 3 years.

As things progressed the council were able to do things like install a stair lift for my mum to use. They can also do things like supply a falls alarm. They can look at the kitchen and make it safer to cook.

I think there was an offer of home help / carers but my dad was quite competent to cook and wash etc.

They are not going to throw them in to a care home.

It's not a weakness to ask for help. This is what they have paid tax and council tax for, now is the time to get something back.

Sleeping in chairs if you have poor mobility already is a disaster from a circulatory point of view and often leads to leg swelling and ulceration very quickly . ( I ‘m a vascular surgeon) . This is one of the worst things you can do health wise if you are older
Nip it in the bud quickly if you possibly can.

@Pigeonangel I unfortunately can’t offer answers, only tea and sympathy, 💐

I 100% get how difficult it is to suggest things, let alone ‘enforce’. My only suggestion is to reach out to the likes of Age UK for some hopeful wisdom and insight:

It is the most stressful thing we as their child/grandchild can go through in our lives before we inevitably find ourselves in a similar situation and become the ‘cantankerous old bat’.

Death is a given, yet with each generation it’s too simple to say to them to downsize, get a bungalow, move into assisted living, get carers etc., because we are ultimately too bloody minded and stoic and righteous to see what’s in front of us.

i hope you find a way. X

What a hard time for you. Lots of people shuffle around at 80, which isn't ideal, but unfortunately, it is what it is. Without consent, there isn't much you can do apart from having the conversation that you are worried and would like to support them more without taking away the independence they have.
Sounds like an amazing marriage, so important not to interfere trust me this is my role when they need support you will no, untidy house, unclean, etc. Good luck. X

I’m an OT, and if your parents have capacity to make their own decisions there’s not a lot you can do except be there for them. A tack I take with patients who are like this, is explain about waiting lists, suggest that it’s better to be on the list than not-they could always refuse when they reach the top-explain that some equipment will help them right now & is not permanent and can be sent back (put in a cupboard) when no longer required, and have a look at small aids with them-kettle tippers, a kitchen trolly to carry food/drinks more easily, and take up any rugs.
i would also talk to them about your dad deconditioning quickly if he’s no longer mobile-even temporarily-and talk about how much more difficult he’ll find it to get back up on his feet. Also explain that an assessment doesn’t mean they have to accept what the outcome is. I find constantly explaining that they have a choice following an assessment can sometimes encourage people to at least get professionals involved. Good luck-it can be tricky.