My parents are sleeping in chairs in the living room

[Pigeonangel]

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I live very close and visit often. Always have done, am happy to. They're good company and have been fantastic parents and grandparents. When DH was terminally ill, and subsequently died, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them.

That was only 5 years ago, they were there constantly for all of us, helping with house and car repairs, running errands etc. Until they hit 80 they were amazing sprightly older people who could do anything - furious at the suggestion they might be "vulnerable" during lockdown 🤣

How things change. In a matter of months they've both had health issues that mean their mobility is badly affected. Until recently it always seemed to be worse for one at a time and they're a great team so got by supporting each other, without asking or wanting much from me.

Now Mum can shuffle a bit with a frame and Dad is unable to walk at all. Last night they both slept in chairs downstairs. Mum suffles about to get food, do some cleaning and bring him a bed bottle etc. She managed to do a roast dinner for them both at the weekend, although I can't believe for a minute that would have been safe.

Mentally they are both totally with it, the house is perfectly livable (ie not dirty, if not practical), they seem OK from a personal hygiene pov, and are insisting they don't need anything from me or social services, they slept well last night and can manage.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.

I don't know what to do.

Also-if your dad is currently not mobile, what is doing when he needs to open his bowels? Again, that’s a way in to discuss a professional assessment, and quickly. You can override their wishes & speak to a GP for an assessment if he is literally unable to get to the toilet.

Many people come here for support. Sometimes a situation can't be changed at the current time so posters want to hear from others in the same boat.
To dismiss and sneer like this is not nice is it?

If you're referring to your sister as 'the bossy one', let her do it if you feel you can't, but you need to back her 100%. Agree what you want to happen before you go in, ("we will both talk to mum and dad about options and getting help. They need to get a bed downstairs, and agree to some kinda referral for home help."), and then go in and get it sorted!

Take tools and disassemble the bed yourselves to move it, and say once they're both able to do the stairs you'll happily come move it back, but you won't have them sleeping in the arm chairs, take some mobility aids (toilet armrest stool etc), and say "we've bought you these already. You clearly need them. We are worried about you both. I'll get this set up whilst Sally pops the kettle on". Once you've had the cuppa and stuff it set up, Sally goes "right then, let's ring the doctors (or whoever) about booking you an occupational therapy appointment. I'll look the number up.
You're realistically saying 'I don't want to force them', but also admitting they need it and realistically need a bit of pressure to do it, but also somehow judging your sister for being more forceful with them. Get on the same page and just make it happen - if they then choose not to use the bed once you've moved it you can have the argument again, but fgs sometimes you just need to say "No, this has to happen, so I'm sorting it out."

Sounds like a tough spot to be in op but ideally, if you can, keep trying to persuade them to get help. A lot of people reject it because of the cost or feeling like their home is now shared etc. Id hit the ground running with researching into the cost, ideally what theyd need etc so can put any fears they have to rest.

In fact, reading through your your thread again (sorry, I know) if your dad cannot get off the chair, that’s an emergency situation & you could/should call an ambulance-he is stuck in his chair and is at risk of all the associated problems with this, not least pressure sores and deconditioning.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, OP. I echo pp’s suggestion of going over to the Elderly Parents board. You’ll definitely feel in company there.

Just to add my voice to the sleeping in chairs thing. It is a terrible idea and will only make things 100 times worse. My FIL insisted on it and developed gangrene as a result.

The combination of fear, extreme stubbornness, denial and selfishness is horrible to deal with but it is extremely common. Given their capacity, if you can’t gently get them to see sense and accept help, I very much fear that events will take over. It is very hard to see loved parents go through this, but you must look after yourself too.

This by Potenial is excellent advice OP

This too OP

Ask the GP to visit as a general health check. They may not be aware of what help is available or how much little things suggested by an OT could help them.

How frustrating for you. My parents are in their 80s and very unwell. I've been on and on about getting a cleaner and a blue badge. After years of nagging, they've finally surrendered. I think you'll just have to keep on at them.

If you're referring to your sister as 'the bossy one', let her do it if you feel you can't, but you need to back her 100%.

That’s an interesting way to look at it. SIL lives much closer to FIL so she sees him a lot more than DH, and ends up doing a lot more hands on help. But she finds it so hard to tell FIL if he needs to do something differently or if she wants to change something - as a lifetime people-pleaser she cannot handle him getting grumpy or reacting angrily to her. So that’s DHs job, to lay down some boundaries and to be absolutely clear with his dad about what has to happen. He doesn’t enjoy it and I think he resents his sister for being so feeble about this as he has to be the bad guy. But they are both doing what they can and they are working together to find solutions.

Please be realistic.
You can't call 999 and expect an ambulance for an elderly person who is immobile ( and who is also possibly refusing help.)

I mentioned pressure sores yesterday but it's up to the OP to speak to her GP and suggest a home visit by them or a community nurse.

Ambulances don't arrive just because someone is chairbound.

OP hasn't come back to say why he is immobile. Maybe he can shuffle to the toilet or use a walking aid for that.

@Pigeonangel You've given so little info here that is why no one can help you on this thread.

If you father is really unable to move at all, how is he getting to the loo?
You've been contradicting yourself because you also said they 'wash each other' so he must be able to stand or move in some way for your mum to do that.

What illness does he have that has made him lose his mobility?
And why is this not being monitored or treated?

You can't force them to accept medical help but you can speak to their GP and see what they suggest.

Am I supposed to just leave it at that? I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's just me with DH gone, my DC live away and DSis is also several 100 miles away but has lots of opinions on how Mum and Dad should behave.
I don't know what to do.

Talk to Age UK.

They are very helpful and will offer suggestions on what you can do.

If I would you, I would put a bed in the living room, in case they don't feel able to make it upstairs at night time. Could be easier and for them and safer. You could talk to their doctor about managing the situation from here on. They would have lots of knowledge on the elderly/available help and would guide you. I'll be in the same situation myself soon and I'll probably be feeling the exact same. We're never really ready for these things! I feel like I need more time to get my own life more in order first but life doesn't really work like that! You can do this!

Sorry, if your dad can't walk at all, how is he getting to the sink to wash?
at the very least he need a commode. you Mum is shuffling across the room with a zimmer & a bottle of pee in one hand... At least get her a bag/ruck sack.
You are days away from a very big problem if they can't accept help. You say they are competent mentally, but actually they aren't. If they can't see the elephant in the room.

You are getting very snarky, I don't think it will help find a solution?

The only other thing I can think of is to play along that it’s temporary and take them on ‘holiday’ to an accessible cottage or park home with level access and hire a wheelchair and just try and work on them daily / offer help but also get them to experience that it doesn’t have to be this hard and for eg a wheel in shower could make a big difference. Small adaptations like suction handles in bathrooms or to get out of a chair etc can be bought quite cheaply. I would also print off information on pressure sores. Your dad may limit food and drink so he doesn’t need loo so things could deteriorate rapidly. When you are around 24/7 they won’t be able to hide their issues as much. Even a ground floor accessible cheap hotel room would be better than this.

That it has come on fairly quickly and may to some extent be reversible seems important. From their point of view, they are still 'managing' and the thought of giving up control will be scary. So many older people resist the help that their younger relatives would deem necessary. Even letting you do small things for them might feel like ceding too much control. I think the best thing you can do is visit as much as possible giving as much support as they will allow you to. Will they let you attend doctors/physio visits with them? You may be able to have more influence if you are right there when things are being discussed. At some point it will probably become obvious to them that they need more support and changes to their living arrangements; you will be right there ready to help make changes happen.

In your post you ask , "am I supposed to just leave it like that?" Several, if not the majority of replies, have been no, try doing this or that. To every one of those posts you've given an almost aggressive reply saying you couldn't possibly do that (whatever the suggestion was), as your parents are ' not animals', can choose what to spend their money on themselves, that you couldn't possibly refer them to any outside agencies as they'd be furious, and so on.
So what do you want?

Tbf while the two of them are alive and coping, one can always call services in an emergency. It is when you have a single elderly parent living alone that the problems really kick in.

You also need to involve your sister. Living hundreds of miles away means she can't offer hands on help (unless she comes to stay for a few days with your or them.)

However, this needs a whole-family approach.

Long distance siblings don't get a free pass when their elderly parents hit a road block in old age.

There are things she can do- make phone calls, try to visit and talk to them, support you.

I know many families like you where the one who lives closest gets al the responsibility. That's not fair and there are things long distance family can do. The very least is to try to give you moral support and show up at times.

You imply she has opinions but isn't on hand to help- how can you change that?

I think she wanted to offload and maybe hope someone could offer some magic solution.

When in fact to make changes she has to start the ball rolling and ask for outside help starting by talking to their GP and asking what support can be given.

I think perhaps your parents are not the only ones who are not coping with this rapid change in circumstances and you are also struggling with it, hence the somewhat rude responses to some of the advice and suggestions you are being given here. Right now, everyone is struggling to cope with the “new normal”.

You say that your parents seem to be coping so far and the house is still okay but that is going to change very very quickly. If your mum is shuffling around she can’t be managing things like cleaning or bed changing surely? How are they managing groceries and shopping? If your dad is so limited in his mobility but he can’t get to the bathroom, how is he managing to wash in the kitchen sink? Again that limited washing is only going to work for a very short period. However, if you really feel you can’t intervene, change furniture around, refer to social services or anything else, then you are just going to have to sit back and wait for the inevitable crisis.

If your parents still have capacity, then it’s up to them to make bad decisions for themselves. I would try and get your sister to come for a visit though so that when the inevitable happens, she doesn’t end up blaming you or asking why you didn’t do something before things got to such a stage.

I used to work for the HSCP Equipment store up here, and we did actually supply rise recliner chairs for patients to sleep in as some could not get comfy in a bed. However, they were measured and fitted for the rise recliner chairs by an OT.

OP. you could compromise and get a private OT under the guise of getting them fitted for super comfy rise recliners? That would maybe open the door to other help if they need it.

Sadly a lot of older people are too proud and see it as a weakness if they need assistance.

Also, just in case there is a concern with mobility etc, Apple watches are more reliable than most fall detector alarms supplied via agencies - and they can link to phones so saving subscription fees. I cannot remember the specific one though.

I totally get @Pigeonangel ‘s worries.

Its all very well saying “get people in/move the bed/etc” but could result in a massive row with them which is horrible, and ultimately they can refuse all help until capacity is an issue.

I called SW as an emergency for an elderly family member who couldn’t move and was peeing in the chair: they came, were great, offered help. Family member sent them off and didn’t speak to me for years as they were so angry with me

Bracing and bossy doesn’t always work. It’s a rubbish situation