For those of you happily married/in a partnership…

[Shoootforthestars]

What nice/loving/thoughtful things does your husband do for you for no reason other than he wants to?

Id be interested to hear what a loving marriage/partnership sounds like as I don’t think I’m in one…

Have to say I’d rather have a present DH sharing the load with me on this stuff, but I can see workaholism has its benefits!

PERSONALLY- I’d find some of the constant checking and “doing for” on here a bit stifling. Each to their own, of course-but I’d be tempted to smack some of these partners if they were mine!

Has it always been this way?

Perhaps you need a reset. If you say you are guilty of it too, it sounds like it’s become the default setting. Try modelling some of the behaviours you want more of and see whether there’s a shift.

So, if he does something useful, rather than pointing out that you too have been doing stuff, just say, ‘Oh, you did X- brilliant, thank you!’.

Take him a cuppa in the morning, and present it with a cheery, ‘Good morning!’

Start to change the culture within the relationship. A quick, ‘You know what I like about you?’ Then tell him.

If he doesn’t catch on and start to reciprocate, then you can reevaluate. It takes a while for things to become habit though, so patience is needed.

If you’re thinking,why should you be the one to start this, then you’re immediately back in resentment and competitive mode- that’s the place you both need to leave behind, and it takes one of you to start that process.

Much of the above (including cup of tea in bed every morning, except on his birthday when he gets to stay in bed.)

Photos of our cat every day I’m in the office or away from home. 😻😂

(We also have teens, but cat is the most loved)

Oh sorry OP I see the thread has moved on.

We have our disagreements, particularly when stressed by external factors, but I never feel he’s not on my side.

When I needed to drive to work early in the winter, he would sit in the car in his coat at 7 in the morning to warm it up for me.

My husband always brought me gifts and made me cups of tea. He often had the kids on Saturdays so I could have time off. He complemented me a lot, and cooked a lot.
Be careful though, over time, he prevented me from cooking at all, isolated me from my family, racked up financial problems and got a secret porn habit. All while being Mr Nice guy. I'd say it's the big things that matter. Do you have trust? Can you discuss or disagree without him showing anger? How does he treat your family and friends? Does he respect his own family? Good luck OP.

We’re competitively kind and generous to each other although he’s naturally better at it than I am. He notices and remembers little details, buys me treats that he knows I’ll like, gives me lifts just to make life easier, makes my tea exactly how I like it.

We say thank you a lot to each other - even for routine things like emptying the dishwasher.

The thing I appreciate most is that he lets me have my two lovely cats (I'm the one that wanted them), doesn't moan at the cost of food/vet bills which come out of joint money.

Practically, he cooks our evening meal on a Sunday after I've been standing on my feet at work for 8.5 hours and my ankles are killing me.

For me it's more that I know he appreciates what I do, ie he'll say something a new meal is nice, if I go outside to do a job and he'll say he'll do it as I do enough in the house, if I don't fancy cooking, he'll suggest we go out or he cooks.

He compliments the way I look.

My DH isn't one for giving (or receiving!) compliments, he isn't interested in Birthdays / Valentines / Fathers Day and he doesn't talk about or express his feelings very often (yes, definitely think undiagnosed ND!).

But...

He always makes sure I'm ok before anything else.
He works ridiculously hard to provide for us.
He will get in from a long day at work and, without missing a beat, will walk straight into the kitchen and start dinner.
If I ever get an unexpected "win" (bonus, premium bonds etc) he insists I treat myself.
If I ever have something to attend which I'm worried about he will always ask if I want him there for support.
He will always go out and defrost the car or load my bags in it if I'm going away.

But mostly he just gets on with life without any fuss or fanfare.

Nothing worse than someone who is constantly tit for tat and wants praise or a reward for just doing what needs to be done in order to run a household.

On a Thursday he works from home and pops out to the posh coffee shop up the road when he’d normally be commuting to make sure I have a coffee to take to work!

I’m having a tough time and said my car was dirty and it made me sad but it wasn’t a priority, he popped it down the road to get it washed. He steps up when I’m struggling.

I hate to be the voice of doom-but do please be careful. The level of attention some men here are bestowing on their partners sounds as if it could be teetering on the edge of being controlling…..

There is no one specific thing. He is just a really kind, thoughtful man who is always willing to listen and talk through any issues we might be having. We don't argue. Life is calm. We work well as a team. We share the same interests. And he is a good dad to our 3 adult daughters.

He surprised me this weekend with not only breakfast in bed but also a new teapot, toast rack and some mini jam pots because I’d mentioned I liked having breakfast this way.
Ive always wanted a patchwork quilt, I also love Rupert the bear. He surprised me by bidding for a bag of Rupert material on eBay and a bag of patchwork material, just need a sewing machine and I’m good to go.
I feel respected and loved, even during an argument I don’t have to guess, he’d do anything for me.

DH is not vey good at making a pistachio latte, but he speaks to me with the interest of a man in the honeymoon phase despite us being together for 20 years, kisses me in the same vein, tries to keep himself physcally attractive to me, is hygenic, means it when he asks how I am and listens to my answer, surprises me with interesting dates, compliments me, is curious about and remembers whats going on in my life, shares his thoughts with me, emotionally supports me, makes me feel stronger/better, believes in me, corrects me when I'm heading in the wrong direction, and is receptive when I suggest a (sometimes urgent!) course correction to him.

Most importantly, we like each other and enjoy spending time together.

Would the two of you be able to get away togther, take some pressure off yourselves and see if that helps. Marriage is hard when you are in the trenches with kids and work etc. Maybe some time out would help, and if it doesn't then sadly you would have your answer.

@Ajourneyonesarth this is a lovely story, because you contemplated your immaturity together and worked through it! You can't remain the same person throughout a long relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't change and improve things- importantly though if both of you want to do so. The key thing I see on here which scuppers resetting relationships is that one person, often the man, doesn't want to or doesn't see the need to change and that's why nothing changes and they are then 'surprised' by the divorce.

He supports me and my two children 100%. He does pretty much all the housework, cooking and cleaning. He carries the mental load. Eg I say the door on the washing machine is rattling, next day it’s just fixed and done. He runs me baths, makes me tea, rubs my back with no expectation of anything in return. He sorts the bins, recycling, takes son to rugby and pick up and nothing is too much trouble. He never ever sulks, gets angry or anything other is grateful and happy for our home, children and dogs.

He works and does moan and then cuddles up with me and we are each others best friend.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It’s super interesting and also lovely to hear how loved and supported some of you feel!

I guess my husband’s love language is different to mine. He does look after me in his own way but emotionally I just don’t feel like he is there for me. He can be quite dismissive about feelings and very mean when he is on the defence. Things I knew when I married him and had children with him but I guess they are one of the first things that you start to notice.

This is great advice, thank you x

I agree that resetting old habits and stopping the criticism and resentment is the way forward, I've done it sometimes and it does work, although initially you are being nice and they are still being snappy and it feels unfair! Earlier in the thread I recommended the work of the Gottmans on relationships and I think there's a lot in that which you might find useful in terms of managing conflict and seeing each other's 'bids' for attention, love and partnership, there may be more to work with than you think, for starters you think he has a love language!

I agree too, if things get snappy try to de-escalate them rather than into a spiral of picking at each other. Perhaps let minor bad habits slide instead of pointing them out every time. Reflect on your own behaviours, I know I used to talk to DH a bit like a child sometimes when he wasn't meeting my exacting standards over things that aren't that important in the grand scheme, would I have wanted to be talked to like I was talking to him?

Thank you - I will take a look.

He knows he isn’t affectionate enough or show he cares very often - it’s a bit of a running joke that he writes it in every birthday/anniversary/Valentines card but at what point do I either accept that it’s never going to really come and learn to live with that, or choose that it’s not the type of relationship I choose for myself and leave.