For those of you happily married/in a partnership…

[Shoootforthestars]

What nice/loving/thoughtful things does your husband do for you for no reason other than he wants to?

Id be interested to hear what a loving marriage/partnership sounds like as I don’t think I’m in one…

Most of the above - being kind and saying thank you for something I've done in the house. Seeing that I'm feeling tired and offering to make dinner or tidy up if I've cooked. Buying me books he thinks I'd like and flowers for no particular reason.

We do disagree sometimes but always hash it out straight away - no brooding or sulking or having to guess what the problem is.

And separate bathrooms! The key to 24 years happily living together.

Comes home with a treat, like McDonalds or a chocolate bar.

Sorry you feel like you aren't in a happy relationship.

we don't live with each other (yet).

Things my dp does that makes me feel loved, wanted, cherished.

Makes me coffee each morning we are together
Pays for food when we go to the supermarket for us and my 2 adult dc. rubs my feet. plays with my hair when watching tv which he knows is the easiest way to de stress me . after I've showered he brushes through my long( almost waist length) hair to get all the knots out . helps me out with cash when I need it and won't take it back. I just mentioned that I needed to buy new clothes for holiday (I've lost 4 stone) and would do it when I got paid and he said tell me how much and he'll sub me until pay daY. Does all my bins and recycling when he's at mine. does all my DIY- I either ask once or he offers before I ask. cooks for me when I'm at his home. Gives cuddles me when we watch tv . always holds my hand when out. Sends me random I love you texts . when we're not together of a morning always texts me morning when he wakes (I'm always up first as I'm an early bird so I never text him first) . will randomly say you look pretty, sexy, beautiful (even if I've just woken up and have birds nest hair)
drives my dd21 to his student accommodation and back when his ds's dad can't as I hate driving in the city . asks me how my day is and listens. I've just lost my dad a couple of weeks ago and he's been helping sort out all the financial side of things and funeral arranging like reading up on poems for the service etc. is my biggest cheerleader. if I say I'm worried about delivering something in work he reminds me who I am and what I've over come. will send me posts on IG that he think ms I'll be interested in. frequently takes me out for coffee/lunch/dinner. Is my tech support and IT guy 🤣

I love him and he is truly my best friend.

Together for 18 years and he starts work at 5am. Every morning I wake up to a text message telling me how much he loves me and how grateful he is for all the things I do for our little family. There are always obvious problems in the relationship but he is also the first to admit when he is wrong. Also like the others, a weekend lie in and a coffee in bed

It's a hard thing to quantify but its just being cherished... I realised what a lovely man my dh was last winter when we had a pest issue and he came home from 150 miles away to deal with a rat which was caught in our kitchen .. the pest guy couldnt get there and I have a phobia. He then cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and picked me up from.the station after work. And had put the electric blanket on....hes not good at presents and can't cook but I don't care !

Brings me a tea or coffee in bed in the morning... to continue the caffeine theme!
Cleared up my house this morning (we don't live together) when I was on work calls and he hadn't started work yet, as he knew I had visitors coming that evening.
Brings me flowers randomly for no reason just because.
Will always be glad to pop to the shops if we need anything without hesitation

3 cups of tea in bed every morning.
Massages my feet every night.
Cooks and cleans.

@Shoootforthestars we have been married for almost 35 years. If I turn back the clock to having under fives, I did everything but that was our agreed deal. I stayed at home and he focused on his career - left before 7am, home after 9pm.

He happily paid for a cleaner. He appreciated what I did. On Saturday mornings I had a lie in until 10am and he took the children out until lunchtime; on Sundays he had a lie in and I took the children out.

I've said this before on here, he did have a phase of saying, on a Saturday morning "I'm going to football/cricket/golf - client entertaining - or just assuming he would do exactly as he wished. The children were a bit bigger. One Satirday morning, I got up, got ready and told him I was going out for the day. He was left with instructions about party times, drama, football drop-offs and which other children he was collecting. I went into London, wandered round the shops, went to the galleries, and was done by about 4pm. To kill time I did some bus rides so I wasn't home until 7.30pm.

The children were fed and bathed. He ordered a take away and poured me wine. We never spoke of it again. He learnt to consult that weekend.

You are doing the hard yards but also you need to decide whether you still like each other and take it from there.

He can tell when the kids are breaking my spirit and takes over so I can rest without me asking him to. He makes me a lot of tea.

I can’t really pinpoint one thing. It’s more that he respects me and shows me he loves me every day. He actually listens when I tell him things and acts on that. He’s an equal parent to our children - he had all three of them this weekend at his parents’ house and I knew the kids would be perfectly fine with him. No need for a list or instructions because he knows them just as well as me.

He buys things I would want and things I need. If I’m unwell, he looks after me with zero expectation that it’s tit for tat. He does things he’d rather not because it makes me happy.

He’s just a really kind and generous man. He has his flaws but so do I.

When we were younger and lived in a cold house, he'd often go to bed a little before me so he could warm my side of the bed! Now it's more make me a cuppa, give me the biggest portion of anything nice. Compliment me. That kind of think. Just being generally thoughtful.

When I'm sad or poorly he brings me the cat 😆

I’m another coffee in bed one, and I love it. But he also does absolutely everything else in the house. I’m the breadwinner, he cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops, gardens, fixes stuff. He is very happy to do it too. Bad health meant he had to give up work but he is the opposite of idle and I am a princess.

We have great conversation, genuinely like each other’s company and laugh a lot. He is physically affectionate, but never a sex pest. Checks in on me. Picks me flowers, makes me things. Someone I feel safe around and can lean on.

Nothing is perfect OP, and we are certainly not, but if you are having doubts there’s good reason for that. Trust your gut. x

Dh trickle charges my car battery.
Checks the tyre pressure, oil, washer fluid.
Washes it and hoovers the inside for me too.
Reminds me when it needs service etc

Makes me a coffee and brings it to me in bed.

Leaves the light on in the bathroom so I can see, last thing before bed.

He hates clutter but I'm a clutterbug, he ignores a lot, if he mentions a pile I sort it because he's probably tolerated it for a while.

If I'm tired he suggests I go to bed, no matter what time of day it is.

He works away for portions of the month, so I'm in the house alone, he had lights installed and put on fuseboard timers, there weren't enough lights for me to feel safe, he had our electrician to fit more dotted in the garden. We've since added more, I now have 7 lights on automatic 😂 thats without the 4 that I can put on manually.

He had my summerhouse built last year, came up with the idea of adding an extension to my existing shed (so three walls and a roof), all because I said I'd like an outdoor/indoor space to be able to enjoy my garden from but didn't want another full size shed.

He's just put my lamp on so I'm not sitting in the dark on my phone, he's in a totally different room watching tv.

He saves things for us to watch together, sends me funny things he knows I will like. Makes sure I don’t run out of stuff and brings me treats. Fills up my car, really pulls his weight with kids life and everything else.

But most of all he would rather spend time with me over anyone else. We will take days off work together for lunch and browsing bookshops etc. He loves my family and makes a real effort.

He rarely shows any poor qualities like passive aggressive moodiness or resentment unless very very very stressed at work and if I point it out he will apologise straight away and we work together to see if he needs a run to clear his head etc.

He is happy to talk about our dreams for the future, reminisce about the kids being babies etc and is just so inquisitive and curious about life.

He’s my dream man. I told my mum when we met that even if it didn’t work out I couldnt not be together with him.

He is an amazing husband and father and son, I’m very lucky to have him.

So it hasn't been a great weekend here, but he has bought me coffee in bed both mornings, cooked all 3 nights, put air in the car tyres and done some translation for my dsis. He is now waiting up for DD.

He says things to make me laugh and cheer me up. He is complimentary and thoughtful.

He guts the kitchen every Saturday morning and tells me to have a coffee in bed.

He often texts me at work to say that he's pre-made dinner so I just have to heat it up (he works shifts) to make evenings easier with three kids.

Makes me prioritise my health and never grudges all the extra load he has to carry to let me rest.

He does make me tea and cook dinner but then I work long shifts so if he didn’t cook dinner then him and the kids wouldn’t eat!

I don’t feel cherished or loved by him and I can’t remember the last time I did. I guess he would say the same about me too which makes me even more sad.

Brews here too!

Grabs my hand when I’m walking past and asks me if I’m alright or gives me a kiss.

Doesn’t keep score or tally of who did what or who paid what.

He’s generous with his time and money. I said I was a bit skint and he sent me £40 and told me to treat myself yesterday.

Making me a coffee in the mornings, stuff around the house like putting up shelves, fixing things. Trying to sort the washing but I’m picky.

Also he earns more but makes sure we both have the same ‘fun money’ after bills

Makes all my food and drinks, does all my laundry, takes my car to the valet and fills it with petrol, if I’m having a night out with friends he does all the lifts for us - there and back, buys me unexpected gifts and flowers, buys really thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts, puts me first at all times.

I don’t deserve him.

When I remember being in a happy marriage/partnership - he would have my back always, he treated me like the most important person in his life, he wanted to make me happy, he made me feel good about myself.

Actually it was the realisation that these weren’t actually true that made me wake up and leave. It was sad and brutal to do so, but I think these aren’t too much to ask for.
Hope youre ok OP

Sounds like you have both got in bad habits of being competitively tired and not appreciating each other. This might be fixable though. I've recently done the Bruce Musik course on relationships which is expensive, but an alternative might be to buy any of the books by the Gottman's as they have a similar approach, which is all about nurturing small connections or 'bids' for attention and love, you can't have big conversations if you don't have a basis of trust and nurturing. It's not necessarily gone though if you wanted to try to fix it.

not In a relationship

but the father of my son transfer £500/£1000 to go to the spa/ shopping now and then.

Or once /twice a month takes our son and I to London for nice lunches/ dinners and days out