For those of you happily married/in a partnership…

[Shoootforthestars]

What nice/loving/thoughtful things does your husband do for you for no reason other than he wants to?

Id be interested to hear what a loving marriage/partnership sounds like as I don’t think I’m in one…

Makes me a cuppa every morning without fail even on weekends .

fills my car up with petrol as he knows I’m rubbish at doing it

I can honestly say I never had the competitive tiredness at all! maybe it’s because we had truly awful babies and they didn’t sleep at all for years and years and we often we go up together to keep each other company. It became a ‘we’re in together’ sort of scenario rather than a competition.

In short, he loves me, cares about me and respects me as I do him.

So graft in the house is shared - we have the things we prefer to do (I wash/iron but hate folding and putting away clothes so never do it he seems to love it tbh) but no one has a prescribed job, this is OUR house, OUR children and OUR responsibility.

He plans date nights/lunches (2 kids, wfh), sees I'm tired stressed or whatever and helps me deal with it (and vice versa). Seeks me out as a woman, his wife to spend time with.

Really we are friends first. 20 years together, mid 40s, 2 young DC.

Have you discussed your marriage and what you would like it to look and feel like?

IMO everything in the house (kids, £, chores, sex) flows from the regard a couple has for each other.

Do you love your husband/partner OP? I do think it’s easy to become complacent in long term relationships and it’s those little things that require effort from both sides…but only if you still love him. If so, then maybe worth having a chat with him about it. Not in a blame game “you don’t do this for me“ way, but more “what can each do for each other”, especially if you think he might be feeling the same way about how you show your feelings to him. If you don’t love him, then it’s a different issue entirely.

With respect to things my DH does…Makes me coffee every morning, pours me a bath when I‘m on my way home from work, gives me a back rub when I’m feeling tense/stressed, regularly tells me how attractive I look (I really don’t, but then love is blind I suppose 😂). He bought me some tulips the other day after I’d been talking about feeling down to try and brighten my day a bit 🌷

I leave little notes for him sometimes, or load up a song on the laptop and leave it somewhere for him to find. I love cooking for him (though he cooks for me too, so it’s a mutual thing). I’ve learnt a lot about various sports over the years to make an effort to learn more about things he’s interested in (I’m even watching the masters right now🥱🏌️‍♂️ hence why I’m on MN). We have lots of silly little jokes together as well, I think laughing together is important for both of us.

It‘s not all sunshine and rainbows, but I feel loved…which is enough for me 💕

I get up first in the morning and often he'll have cleaned the kitchen the night before so it's all nice and tidy for when I come down. He also does all our laundry because I have this weird ick about the feel of wet clothes! Brings me cups of tea unprompted when he's off but I'm still WFH.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been very happily married for a long time , but some of this sounds utterly suffocating,

In what way?

Saw some giant mini egg type things and got me them as an easter treat, brings me coffee in bed. Tucks me in at night if its cold and my back or shoulders are uncovered when i am asleep. Bought me a fancy water bottle he spotted with my favorite print on it for no reason. Ordered a book he heard a review of on the radio that he thought id enjoy reading. Hes a keeper and treats me like a queen. Nothing is too much trouble for him. Never shouts and never loses his temper.

I'm happily married, but my husband doesn't constantly make me beverages or make romantic gestures like some lucky ladies. But I know he loves me. For me it's about having someone who completely trusts you and you trust them and you can be completely yourself with no judgement. Someone who has your back and will treat you with respect and as an equal. Someone who will see you struggling and step up to help you. Someone you can laugh with.

Dp is adorable but we’re not trying to bring up kids together. It’s hard. I agree this could be fixable; take a deep breath and start reaching out to him. What would make him feel loved?

Mine isn’t a very talkative one for emotions but shows me by plating up my food first and giving me the best looking plate, and always waiting for me before he starts eating. I find that quite nice.

He fixes everything around the house and puts together flat packs without complaint.

Honestly you must be well suited, I’d want to punch his face in, do you not feel touched out, trying to watch tv and he’s sitting rubbing your back and feet and kissing you and holding your hand on repeat, then all the checking in when you’re trying to work.

honeslty that’s so needy and clingy I’d have buried him under the patio by now,😂

He makes me laugh every single day.

We have had a really tough couple of years with my health, but there hasn't been a single day we haven't had a good chuckle about something.

And yes, he also brings me coffee and tea.

he is just gorgeous daily and does whatever he can to make me happy. His sole purpose in life seems to be to make me happy and mine is to make him happy. He is genuinely my best friend and I adore him. We’ve been together over 16 years and had kids together and never once argued. We laugh daily and look forward to being together. It’s a joy.

I think my husband’s love language is car maintenance. He will defrost my car for me on cold days, he tops up my oil and tyre pressure, and occasionally washes the car (all of this without me asking) I love it when he switches my heated seat on when he’s doing his own.

He does other stuff as well of course but the car stuff stands out to me 😂

Oh when he does laundry and loading the dishwasher he’s really cautious not to load things I love like fragile mugs or my favourite clothes that could shrink, he will wash them up or put on an airer, even I’m not so careful, I always find that’s quite sweet in a subtle way!

I think it’s really difficult when you are in the thick of it with young DC and jobs to find time to appreciate each other
and even like each other some of the time.

OP, my now DH had a 4 month old when I first met him (through his sister who was minding said 4mth old) , his sons Mum was dead, my 1st DH had also died leaving me with a small baby and pregnant with my 2nd.
As a result we both knew how tough parenting alone was - although we are both lucky with our huge family support.
When we moved in together we spoke at length about sharing work load/kids as he was in the process of building a lucrative business and was going to be gone hours/days and eventually weeks at a time and I had my own inherited business to run so I agreed to take up the slack of home life/kids but expected to be appreciated for it as it was enabling him to build his business.
He did appreciate it and I too appreciated him and what he was doing as well and we both found it so much easier having another adult there to share/support/help etc as well as the company of another adult - single parenting can be lonely.
He's naturally good at being thoughtful - me not so much so I have to remember to not only feel how I do about him but to also show him.
He regularly winks at me, which makes me laugh, pats me on the head which makes me mad, rests his hand in the small of my back as he passes me by which I love.
He never comes into or leaves the house without acknowledging me and giving me a kiss and I have copied this action and do it for him.
He regularly tells me that I'm an amazing Mum and tells the kids they are lucky to have such a great Mum - praising him like this just never rolled off my tongue as easy as it does his so I do consciously try to remember to do it.

I don't know your situation so don't know if it's a 2 way thing or all one sided?
either way, making time where you can both sit and talk honestly - and more importantly, listen - may be a way forward?

Its not really what the other person does, it is how they make you feel imo.
My ex was very good at doing 'things '. Making me coffee, running a bath, bringing surprise gifts, big birthday outings. But then underneath all that i felt controlled, invalidated, my feelings overlooked, more like i was supposed to fill the role of a wife, not a full human being.
So maybe think if you actually have a real connection with your husband and if you do, build on that.

When it’s his turn to get up with our toddler (we take it in turns) he brings me a coffee to wake up with. He does more than 50% of the day to day playing with and entertaining said toddler. He picks up every bit of slack if I’m under the weather or tired or just feeling drained, he cooks for all of us every day (including making packed lunches), he’s bought me flowers on the 20th of the month every single month since our first date, he goes on mad goose chases to pick up whatever bit of junk I’ve decided to buy on marketplace, he does all the heavy / dirty work at home, and he’d literally die for me or DS.

Importantly, I know with my whole heart that if I suddenly wasn’t here, he’d give our DS the most full and wonderful life that any child could ask for.

Makes me a cup of tea and is genuinely appreciative when I make him a cup of tea. Cooks on my busy nights and enjoys the food I cook for him. Checks the tyres on my car when I have a long drive to see DC or visit friends.
Is interested to hear about my nights out and happy when I’ve had a good time. Is proud of my successes at work and tells our friends when I’m doing well.
Understands when my family members visit from afar because he married me knowing my family was on the other side of the world.

After nearly 30 years of marriage i believe the key to a successful marriage is that you must actually like each other and want the best for each other. There will always be stressful times, and young children are enough to test the best of us, but marriage is a partnership which will only be strong if you respect each others contribution to that partnership, you will contribute different things but these are equally important if everyone is to thrive.

Edited to say that if you don’t feel valued then you don’t have to stay. Everyone deserves to be valued in their relationship.

I have cancer at the moment. Realistically, I could be managing to entertain the dc in an eyes half open, I need to rest but I could keep us alive sort of way so he can work and do other things. But he plans all his days, he’s self employed, to give me as much of the day as possible just to go to bed if I need to. He doesn’t ask or make a fuss. He just gets things finished and says, right, you go lie down and we’ll be out for a bike ride or a trip to wherever for the rest of the day.

He also just takes on jobs to make it possible for me to do things that make me happy. I wanted some more rescue chickens. I already have chickens, but I wanted more and we would need an extra run for them. He didn’t even really ask or question it. He just set about doing the fencing, fox proofing it, finding a secondhand coop, sorting out the netting for it, just so I could have my chickens. Took him about a week of several hours a day of building it. No complaints, just wanted to see me get my new chickens. He is a lovely guy.

Off the top of my head:
Makes me a posh (bean to cup machine, steamed milk) coffee every morning. He has an americano but he does all the milk faff because I love it (and because he worries about me eating enough due to medication side effects).
Deals with the gas and electricity suppliers, and the broadband, because he knows these are the providers I most loathe interacting with / get most stressed about.
And my favourite….pre-warms the car from the app for me on colder days before I do the school run, because he wants DS and I to be warm and comfy (and he knows I will 100% forget, then sit there shivering and annoyed with myself / run round like a headless chicken if it needs de-icing 😆).

I reckon he’s a keeper.

Mine makes me coffee every morning. It appears as if by magic on my bedside table He does all the bins/recycling which is annoying and complicated where we live. He walks the dog way more than me and does the grocery shopping as he knows I hate it. He is generally very tidy. I have never done his laundry in 15 years but he will do mine if I ask (I generally don’t). He says thank you every time I cook (because he doesn’t) and eats whatever I I make without complaint. He travels a lot for work and brings presents every time. And speaking of gifts, he is brilliant at giving thoughtful gifts. He buys me stacks of books because I love reading fiction but hate picking it out (I find it overwhelming), and his picks are always perfect. I think mostly though he is relentlessly loyal and supportive. Once a coworker of his told me ‘I’ve never heard a husband talk about a wife the way he talks about you’ as in ‘he thinks you’re brilliant’ and it broke my heart because I most definitely am not. He’s just that loyal.

He makes me cups of tea without me asking, runs me a bath, brings me my favourite fruit, remembers my calender really well to help me remember everything, comes to appointments with me happily if I want him to but is equally happy if I don’t, regularly takes me out for a nice lunch, supports my studying, supports everything I do, makes me a fire to come home to if I’ve been out all day, makes me hot water bottles, cuddles in happily, keeps my car running smoothly, keeps my log store full of wood from the forest. Shows me every day that he respects me and cherishes our relationship.