Do you like your Mum?

[Lemonthyme3]

Do you like your Mum?

I don’t mean love - I mean like

Would you be friends with her if she wasn’t your mum?

Would you be able to work with her if you shared an office/same company?

…I’m writing this because I wish I liked mine and I’m deeply sad that I don’t. I find it tough spending time with her.

But I have young children, and often wonder if when they grow up, they’ll feel the same about me, which saddens me greatly 😔

So yeah - if you like your Mum, help me have some hope that it can work out? x

We were extremely close in my teenage years, almost like sisters. But as I went into adulthood, I found some of her ways of thinking and looking at the world very detrimental and spent a long time working through them. It’s now difficult to hold a conversation with her. She has a very black and white way of thinking, once she’s worked something out it’s the only possible way for any one to look at it. She’ll share that viewpoint with you in an injured tone of voice. And if she disapproves of what you’re doing, her body language will make it abundantly clear.

She also gets obsessed with things, such as never ever cooking with salt, or only travelling by bus.

She didn’t phone me for 15 years as I was often working or out when she called, so she refused to ever phone again. I called her out on this last Summer. She‘d forgotten saying that, reckoned she never phoned me because I always phoned her.

She had an awful childhood and I suspect this black and white thinking and refusing to be swayed actually let her get through it.

My parents hate each other but refuse to split up. It makes visits challenging although I think that both have now understood I‘m no longer their sounding board. She complains abundantly about my father, who is a different type of difficult, but doesn’t see that every single thing she says to him is a sharp, angry rejection.

She would be a pleasant colleague though as she masks. None of her colleagues really knew her, but always found her very pleasant. And she genuinely means well.

My Mum left me, as a young baby, on her parents doorstep (literally!!) They knew nothing of my existence until that moment, she was very young and had taken herself off for a job abroad - or so they thought.
I never saw her again until I was 22, we never knew where she was until then.
She's been back in my life now for several years and she is one seriously amazing woman who I admire and respect for what she has gone through and where she's at now in life and also and love very much.
The joy. tinged with what I perceive as sadness, when I see her with our kids is just a fab sight, she's not yet 50 and is the coolest Nana ever according to the older 3, the best story teller according to DS4 and the baby already crawls straight for her when she comes to stay and we don't get a look in.
So yes I do like her, a lot.
We are very similar and I do believe we would be friends if not related and yes I would work with her and hope to in the ear future if the business plans DH and I have come to fruition.

As I said, my mum was not a perfect parent nor a perfect person, so I really don’t think you have to be that.

She did love us all very much though, and liked us. She was fun. She was there if we needed her. She didn’t really interfere in our lives much and she very much had her own things going on so I never got that smothering feeling of being the centre of her world (I have a much waited for only daughter and I do worry that I might end up being a bit smothering to her, I really have to try and stop myself making her my whole life!).

She was just easy, an easy laid back person who went with the flow, didn’t look for drama, liked to have fun, gave good cuddles, was generally in a good mood. She was on our side always, not in a big, OTT way but you just always knew she’d have your back, I’m not sure I’m quite as easygoing as she was - in fact I know I’m not, so it’s going to be hard to replicate!

Nope.

She is quite bratty and bitchy. She has lots of background trauma that means she is hard work but it's not her fault (abused and neglected by her parents, abused by first husband).

But I couldn't be friends with a woman who's made it to her seventies and still makes bitchy remarks about other women's looks.

She's also an ex-journalist, and is totally self-centred about her own "story telling" - aka she will yap on to anyone about her latest interest without any interest in the other person.

Not really, but as these things often go, it's complex. She wasn't very loving or kind when I was young, and as a result I keep her at arms length. We speak regularly and get on fine, but I don't spend a lot of time with her, and when I do I find it very difficult after more than a few hours.

She has changed a lot in recent years, and tries to gloss over the past and act as if we are best mates, but it feels very false and there has never been any proper acknowledgement of her behaviour - she just says sarcastic things like 'oh I am a horrible woman aren't I, so horrible, sigh'.

I think if I met her now as an acquaintance I would quite like her, but even though I see that, it's like my 'inner child' can still only see the selfish, resentful, cruel person I remember from childhood. I think she knows to a certain extent, as she made an out of context joke recently about 'well I have a lot of friends, and THEY think I'm nice'. I do feel very guilty about it, but at the same time feel like I shouldn't have to!

Yes. I've always enjoyed spending time with her, even as a teenager I liked hanging out with her. We live in different countries so I don't see her often but when she does come to stay its never for long enough - love playing scrabble with her every night when she's here!

I think I'd be fine working with her except that I'd feel I'd have to moderate myself somewhat, no risqué jokes or things like that, but otherwise it'd be fine. There's actually a parent and (adult)child both working in my workplace (father and son though, rather than mother and daughter), they seem happy to work together.

yes, we get on fine and love a good natter.
Although we both agree that we would probably be at each others throats if we lived together! So we like each other in small doses!LOL😄

I can totally relate to this, as my mum has never EVER been able to allow for the fact that other people may choose to live their lives in a different way from her - not better, not worse, just different, and different in ways that don't matter in the least. Has always been 'my way or no way' with a lot of judgement towards those who don't conform (ie everyone). All it does is make her world smaller.

To the PP who pondered whether it was just a generational thing, I don't think it is, although there are elements of class, social background, general life experiences, and upbringing, probably other things too. I have an acquaintance in her 80s who was a social worker all her life and has a hugely open, tolerant, non-judgy outlook, because she's seen it all, really. We can talk about anything in a way I'd love to do with my own mum but have never been able to.

This has been such a useful thread, OP.

Yes, my mum is my best friend, alongside dh and ds and she is very kind and caring , warm, loving and funny. We share some interests, laugh together and she's just a lovely person with so many amazing qualities. I love spending time with my lovely mum❤️

I try really hard but my mum obviously prefers my siblings and leaves me out. It upsets me but my relationship with my own daughters is so much better.