How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

I have similar children, but older. Ds 16 eats like a horse, drinks tea and water and is fairly thin. Ds 14 has a sweet tooth and is on the chubby side, but not massively so. We try to increase his activity, e.g. football, walking, he enjoys lots of sports.

Your dd is 3 and as much as you think your ed is controlled it is not - I don't know anyone who weighs children. You say you don't buy upf but your son gets croissants and biscuits and meaty sticks once a fortnight and this is what your daughter snacks on?
Children have different buillds my son eats non stop and is extremely slim. Focus on teaching them about healthy foods rather than limiting food. What do you tell your daughter when she asks for the things your son eats?
You really need to engage with your health visitor for advice and honestly it sounds like you need therapy for your ed

I think stop the biscuits and fridge raiding for both.

Yes, her brother is older and active so needs more calories: just give him bigger portions of the same food at meal times.

My eldest never snacked, never ate badly only drank water and was always considered obese. We did everything right, we managed portion sizes, made from scratch, always balanced as per dieticians advice (we asked to be referred because of how large our eldest was). It’s just how she was as a child and as a young adult she has slimmed right down and now snacks like a fiend. Apparently her dad was the same, chubby as a child and then a beanpole in his late teens. Our dietician concluded that some kids are just like that - despite what mumsnet mums might say.

I think the bigger issue is your worrying about it if you know she eats a balanced and appropriately portioned diet. You may not use the words but it won’t be long before she gets your message. I really do think you ought to seek (more?) help to deal with your ED as a parent as the issues are different when you’re not controlling your own intake but those of others.

Why does a 3 year old have access to the fridge, how can she even reach?

Why is she able to dictate what she drinks, milk, juice etc, why not water?

Feeding your sons croissants etc isn’t the appropriate way to encourage weight gain (even if he did need it), what will you do when he reaches your perceived ideal weight - suddenly tell him that he can’t have the sweet treats you have allowed before?

Fat is a Feminist issue in your house, clearly. Convenient it’s your son who’s the skinny one.

Surely you can see that you offer your children healthy, nutritional food, and your little girl simply eats well (a 3 year old will have a protruding gut unless very skinny because they have weaker abdominal muscles which show when they are full much faster than an adult fyi). My 2.5 Yr old has a pot belly after earing his dinner, its normal.

You have two case studies before you, one child has an appetite and the other doesn't. Your daughter isn't "fat" because your son is thin! My sisters little girl has a fab appetite compared with her big brother whose ribs and spine you fan see, trousers falling off his little skinny butt, but she's just a healthy kid who has a good appetite. If your daughter is seeking cheese and meat is she getting enough protein and fat in her daily food? Or are they the snack type foods in the house?

I was brought up this way - perfect brother allowed anything he wanted, encouraged to eat anything, whilst I was restricted, teased/criticised for being fat (at a time when I wasn’t) and constantly judged as not good enough - and this shines through in your posts too.
Predictably I gained weight and have been morbidly obese with binge eating disorder from age 10 or so.
My sister was anorexic because of the same upbringing, but worked hard to sort it out before having children in order to break the cycle, which she has successfully done.

I knew someone who brought her children up like you are, and weirdly with projected EDs (which you sound like you’re doing to your dc) sufferers often focus on girls and see their boys as skinny and needing extra food whilst the girls are restricted as they are too chubby. This woman also projected this onto her female dog and valued it being almost emaciated. The daughter is a teen now and is obese, because of the way she was treated.

Going by the weight and height you’ve provided your daughter is not overweight. Maybe a little over average but this is completely normal for some children.
I would be interested in hearing about your son’s height and weight, as I suspect he is also a healthy weight and not underweight.

Give your children healthy food. Let them be children. Get more help for your ED before you damage your daughter like so many of us have been damaged.

3 year olds are toddlers and they are supposed to be plump. It gives them something to grow from. In my experience, you then get a skinny phase at 5-8 before the start filling out again, ready for the next growth support. Sounds like both your children fit into this pattern. Stop giving either of your children UPF filled foods like pastries and biscuits. Sour dough toast if they’re hungry abd you’re after a carb.

I very much agree with this.

I would also say that IME, obesity aside, it is often skinny children who grow up to be round adults, and sturdy children who often beanpole later on.

I'm not saying that is always the case, but then again, that is kind of the point: you can't tell how a toddler will develop.

Plenty of toddler tummies stick out and protrude and it is lack of muscle, not fat.

you can get fridges that are singles I had one on the floor

I'm a bit surprised you know their weights!

I'm somewhat missing the point but I don't let children help themselves to food from the fridge

Some toddlers are just that shape with the tummy etc. My Goddaughter was and now she's a super skinny 10 year old. Her having a healthy relationship with food is more important than her shape at her age.

My niece also went through a similar thing to me and a lot of girls in puberty, plumped up a bit because your body has hormonal changes and oestrogen is highly present in fat, I slimmed down naturally aa did she but I remember her dad saying she needed "beasting" (ex army) when really her body was just changing naturally.

It does sound like your childhood and adolescence was marked by your experience of Royal ballet training and disordered eating, so you won't have experienced that, but I do encourage you to not be so quick to.worry about arbitrary weight when there are so many developmental factors in a girls body from childhood up.

I am an ED survivor, I guess you could say. I've been hospitalised twice and severely underweight. This is all now, thankfully, under control and I am a healthy weight. Do I constantly worry about my weight? Yes. Do I worry about my childrens weight? Not really. DD is 4, nearly 5 and I am so conscious to never talk about being fat or eating too much or bad foods in front of her. She eats healthily and runs around playing etc and that is good enough for me. If you are seriously concerned you do need to seek professional guidance to help her. But please don't let your ED affect your little girl.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter by not giving your daughter the same treats as your son (biscuits, croissants) you are telling her something. Please ignore the previous advice of not giving cheese or the meat snacks for the purpose of calorie restriction. 🤦‍♀️
Just give a portion of actual juice.
Keep the kids active.
Continue giving them three proper meals and snacks. Your daughter is likely growing normally for her own body. You might be projecting your own fears a bit. 💐

You have one set of food rules for your son, one for your daughter and one for yourself.

This has disaster written all over it,

Your children, even by this age will have clocked it

It also has Low Self Esteem being locked in for your dd written all over it.

Time to revisit your assumptions .

They are, but i know what the OP means. I have had very mixed experiences with them, some are brilliant, others actively unhelpful and giving mad advice that is against nhs guidelines. I wouldn't write them off though, OP, the good ones are super helpful

No such thing as controlled anorexia
signed, someone who just functions with it

Why are you allowing a 3 year old unfettered access to the fridge?

Be very careful. Focus on healthy habits. You don’t know what her adult body will look like. As long she’s healthy, eats a moderate and clean diet - then she’ll be what her inherited biology determines.

Your poor daughter. She’s just a little girl and she must be noticing that the treat her differently to her brother. If you are really worried take her to the GP and voice your concerns to someone who knows what they are talking about.

I couldn’t have worded it better myself there’s no way I’d be doing this

No, OP is trying to bulk up her DS so there are issues for both, fat for girls, skinny build for boys.

OP's disorder is not controlled.

I think you aren’t worried your pushing your own thoughts onto your 3 year old child.

I would never give one child a different snack to the other never