How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

You don’t, though. You don’t want her to be healthy, you want her to be thin, and that’s the issue. This is a you problem, not her problem. My mother was like you. It instilled in my an utterly fucked up relationship with food and my body that I’m still trying to get past as an adult in my 40s. Do NOT put your fucked up views on your daughter - make no mistake, this is all you, not her.

Wow your 3 year old is getting into the fridge and helping themselves to cheese and meaty sticks ? ! I don’t think my kids could open the fridge at that age. She must really be a ‘big girl’.

I’m so sad for you OP, it’s terrible to have food issues and struggle with how to break that cycle with your kids.

I come at it from the exact opposite - I’m overweight (not lazy at all though, just saying) and have had a terrible relationship with food my entire life. Lots of forbidden food in my house, my mom was always on a diet, my grandmother was obsessed with everyone’s size and eating… and I went crazy when I had control over my own food and have never gotten in control of it since. It’s exhausting.

When I had kids I was determined that my generation would be the last of this. My kids have had free access to pretty much any food they like, lots of it, lots of the day. They eat a proper breakfast, lunch and dinner but they can have an ice lolly or a handful of chocolate chips or bake a cake or whatever in between. They are super healthy and exactly the right weight (though slightly on the slim side as they’re both really sporty and do loads of activities). My daughter is 13 and has a huge, huge appetite - eats double my portions many evenings. She needs a ‘lot’ of protein (she dances about 15 hours a week plus walks and PE and whatnot).

My son was a chubby toddler but then weighed the same from about 2 until 5 - just kept getting taller and slimmer.

I would be concerned for both your kids - neither seem to be getting an awful lot of protein in their main meals and you seem to be stuffing your son with carbs and
junk, while making up random and damaging rules for your daughter. The absolute best thing you could do for both of them is to get control of your own food issues and let them both breathe a bit - unless someone else has confirmed they are concerned on either end about them, you need to remember you can’t trust your instincts here. I’m super lucky to have a husband with a great relationship and history with food so if I’m struggling with a decision he can support me. Do you have someone? A friend or relative or health professional who can talk to you about this? I think you’re going to have a really difficult time when they’re older if this continues through their childhood.

I think a chubby toddler is much more likely to grow into a healthy adult than a toddler who is raised with food issues and the idea that she is too fat to eat the same foods as her sibling (my apologies if this reads as snippy, it really isn't intended as such). If you need to give your son more then tell her it's because he's older and needs more - don't let her absorb the idea that she is too fat to have it. Restricting foods risks making them binge fodder further down the line.

Anecdotally, people raised by mothers with restrictive eating disorders don't tend to grow into thin adults.

😬

Cards on the table: I have a long, long ED history and am a lean, healthy adult who doesn't restrict. Point being, I'm not being mean or minimising how tricky it is to manage with a chronic ED, nor have I taken personal offence at the idea that fat=lazy, even though my beliefs differ.

OMG what am I reading?! She's 3! 3 years old....

Your ED isn't controlled if your talking about restricting a 3 year olds diet!!!!

If your making healthy food options, she eats well then bloody let her. Its common for toddlers to chunk out then have a growth spurt.

Do not be pushing your ED on such a young child and go get some therapy the fact you think she needs her diet restricting shows you need it.

Offer healthy home cooked meals end of.

Some take-it-or-leave-it advice is that I would offer a breakfast with more protein. Even porridge doesn't really work for some people as oats can spike your blood sugar a surprising amount. Greek yoghurt, nuts, and eggs are all good for this - I don't know if you struggle with fear foods?

I have a controlled ED that I have battled with since I was 12. Mine gets out of control when I am unhappy or stressed and I simply cannot put a morsel of food into my mouth.

Due to my ED, I have never restricted any food from my children, ever. We don’t tend to have much junk food in the house and meals are cooked from scratch and nutritious thanks to my foodie DH but if the kids were ever hungry, they could help themselves to whatever, whenever. I know that I’m not a good judge of portion size or when someone should or shouldn’t be hungry so I don’t, and never have, influenced them.

I would say that your ED is not controlled. You may not be currently fixating on your size or what you eat, but even worse, you are now fixating on your 3 year old. That isn’t good.

In my experience, with my kids, I have often noticed that they grow outwards before growing upwards. They definitely all grow at different rates and often in fits and bursts.

She’s 3. As long as you’re not feeding her a McDonalds every day, I’m sure she’s fine. But I think you do need some support for your ED.

Get her red book and start charting her height and weight. Check her centiles and go from there. Not sure if BMI calculator works for children that young, but you can check there.

I worry that you are seeing your child as fat when they are possibly perfectly normal. Maybe she's eating more because she is growth spurting. A 3 year old will have more growth spurts than a 5 year old. So maybe your judging your daughter for eating more when it's perfectly normal she's more hungry. This is where your eating disorder can be causing issues.

I have known many chubby chikdren of three years who slim down as they shoot up and run around at school.

She’s always hunting for food because she’s probably not eating enough to actually feel fulfilling. Living in a permanent state of feeling hungry is awful.

I think you’re getting a hard time from some posters on here OP. Just because you have a history of anorexia doesn’t mean your instinct as a mum should be automatically invalidated. It’s ok to be worried that your daughter is heavier than is healthy for her age, height and build!

The NHS guidance I’ve seen cites data saying that if children and young people are overweight and it isn’t dealt with, they’re very likely to be overweight adults, with all the associated health problems. And surely nobody wants to create or perpetuate that situation 🤷🏼‍♀️ so YANBU to think what to do for best.

You sound like a pretty normal concerned parent to me, who is aware of her own issues that are likely to be germane to feeding your daughter, and who is striving to do the right thing.

Isn’t the most sensible first step to find out what you’re actually dealing with, from someone who is qualified and whose job it is?

Do seek some proper advice from GP, if you don’t want to approach a HV. They will either be able to put your mind at rest, or give you some proper strategies, and whichever it is, you can be more confident you are limiting your own issues affecting the care of your daughter.

Irrespective, it’s probably a sensible idea to prevent your daughter helping herself to things from the fridge. And maybe to not have juice in the house, to help avoid sugar spikes.

And there are ways and means of feeding up your skinny son in ways that are not going to be visible or seem unfair to your daughter.

Wishing you all the best, OP 💐

You are conflating being thin with being healthy.

A croissant is equally as unhealthy for your son as for your daughter.

She's chubby - not super morbidly obese!

It is common for very thin people with poor diets to have high cholesterol, heart disease and low bone density etc. Being a size 4 does not ,make you automatically healthy.

What you are effectively doing is allowing DD to watch DS get the treats she wants and her not.

Seems like a sure way to give her an ED to me!

If you want to help her, stop everyone in the family having unnecessary treats and eat better together.

You say she 'never stops eating'. That's not true though, is it? She's 3 so she couldn't possibly have access to that much food.
You sound very frustrated with her. You also say your ED is controlled but also say y9u don't eat.
I think you need outside help with this OP.

Leave her alone, she’s 3 and your fear of fat and weight gain is palpable 😢

You still sound really unwell and you will pass these issues onto your kids.

Have you read any of the Tabitha Farrah self help books, you absolutely can recover but you have to push yourself and rewire your brain.

I just don't understand it because I don't eat and she never stops.

Jeeezus, OP 😳

My sons played a kind of tag relay when they were little- one would be v. skinny and other a little plump, then it would reverse a couple of years later, then switch again. Now they are 19 and 22 and both have healthy body shapes and sizes. I think kids do pick up early on “ fat” being a bad thing. The saddest thing I had in clinic once (I’m a dietitian) was a mother berating her 9 year old daughter for being “ greedy and fat”. Clearly you wouldn’t do that, but be aware that a lot of this is your issues, your association of fat with social inferiority, weakness etc and try not to let your daughter pick up on this.

I'm not sure she seems like a pretty normal concerned parent to be honest. She has actually said she doesn't eat.

Of course it will feel unfair to a 3yo! She's not going to understand why her brother can have things she can't and I assume she'll feel like you favour her brother over her. If you need to get more calories into your son then you need to find a way to do it discreetly / not in front of your daughter so she's not aware. Maybe at school if that's the only opportunity?

From what you have said of her current diet I wouldn't restrict her eating at all.

My son was the hugest of toddlers with rolls of fat on his wrists and hes now a lanky stick. My daughter was a dinky little thing and is now more average build like me. You cant tell. All small kids have a sticky out belly. Its adorable, and normal until they start developing stomach muscles age about 5 or 6.

And the worst case scenario here, she becomes a heavier adult... is that really the worst thing? I say that as a very normal size person with no food issues. We are all so much more than the sum of our measurements. Let her eat as much wholesome food as she feels she needs. You can restrict the sweets but you should probably do so for your son too.

Also maybe you dont want to engage with the HV but would you arrange a trip to your GP, if only for peace of mind that she is a healthy child?

Why can't you control your daughter's access to the fridge? Child proof fridge locks are very easy to get and fit.

GIven you admit you have an unhealthy relationship with food, I wondered if you shouldn't just delegate food decisions to your partner?

Yes obviously not eating is not normal. But I eat, and have no history of ED, and I would be worried if I had a 3 year old who seemed to have become heavier than is healthy too.
Wouldn’t it be irresponsible if the OP just ignored it?
I do agree with the point that children notice more what we DO than what we say to them. And she will have clocked that her mum doesn’t eat, so that will need some attention, as well as resolving the perceived unfairness around what her son gets vs what her daughter is allowed to have.