How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

I grew up watching my naturally skinny and taller younger sister getting all sorts I was not allowed, she took after my Mum buildwise, I took after my dad, short, broad shouldered, wide barrel, stocky.

Oh boy the resentment that caused. Stop doing it.

Others have said what to do - hide more calories in his food, give them what to them, appears the same. Make sure they're not eating crap (you say they don't get crap but then mention croissants which you as sure as hell ain't making yourself, brioche ditto, biscuits ... ). Make sure they're running about, and sort out your ED.

Get her into sports that will build up her core fitness as she grows- maybe stuff like swimming, dancing, gymnastics.

I think it does mean her instincts in this area are invalid, actually. I've had anorexia for 20+ years. I'm weight-restored right now but my thoughts are still very eating disordered. Anorexia warps everything it touches and you're often not aware of it. I still find it difficult to grasp that assessing how fat/thin someone is not actually the first thing everyone else thinks of when they look at a person as I don't remember ever being able to turn this off. I can't trust my instincts at all in this area when it comes to myself--how could I ever trust them with a child? It is hard for people without an eating disorder to understand how insidious and all-encompassing it can be. OP doesn't sound like she has a "history of" anorexia, it's very much active.

OP, this is so hard because the eating disorder lies to us and convinces us that our thoughts aren't part of the disorder and that they're normal and rational concerns that anyone would have. They aren't. And I realize I'm being hypocritical here because I can spout all this stuff I've been told by therapists, but am I any good at applying it? Nope. But I try really hard to only inflict it on myself and not on others. I would totally drop the rope on this and offload all food choices for your children onto your partner. You're not in ED recovery and the risk of damage to your DD is too high. Anorexia has a huge genetic component and she's already at high risk.

Hello. You're getting quite a bashing here.

I'd say first get a routine in place so breakfast, lunch and dinner are sorted without a lot of stuff in between. I always used to feed mine after school as well to stop the 4pm tantrums - presumably, their blood sugar dipped and that made them mad.

Breakfast: knock the brioche on the head (useless carbs). Yoghurt and blueberries are good.

Lunch can be oatcakes and cheese and a banana, something like that.

Dinner: again, from what you've said it's very carby. Upping protein can make kids (and everyone really) feel more full. Chicken, tuna, rice, sweet potatoes, dahl.

For snacks, rice cakes and hummus, olives if she likes those, baby carrots, mine used to eat washed spinach salad leaves like they were crisps.

Stop with the juice. Water is fine. Better for her teeth too.

It sounds as if you've just got a big carb thing going on. You might find pages from Diabetes UK helpful as a guide in terms of health eating - https://www.diabetes.org.uk/living-with-diabetes/eating/what-is-a-healthy-balanced-diet

I'm a recovered anorexic.

One of the biggest confusions for me as a child is that I would always be served less than my brothe, before I was old enough to understood BMR.

You came here to ask for advice, yet you seem unwilling to seek advice from health professionals.
I find this very worrying.

This

@OrdinaryGirl I didn't say she should ignore it though, I said in another post I think she needs outside help with it because she has an ED and says she doesn't eat. You don't have these challenges so would be better able to deal with the situation.

@OrdinaryGirl Just because you have a history of anorexia doesn’t mean your instinct as a mum should be automatically invalidated.

I think having anorexia does invalidate her instincts somewhat. I know it does mine. I am unable to judge what a healthy amount to eat is. I don’t know what the normal amount of food should be for someone to feel full as I have never eaten a normal amount. Even now that I am a healthy weight, I have a very small stomach and a starter in a restaurant will fill me up. If I feel even slightly anxious, I can’t swallow. Someone with anorexia’s relationship with food is so complex you have no idea what is a natural instinct and what is the disease.

If I compared what I eat to what my healthy, growing teenagers eat then I would think they overeat. Which I know they don’t as they are perfectly healthy and very fit. So I don’t compare. I don’t let it enter my head. My issues are my issues. But OP is already comparing what she eats to her 3 year old!

I don't think that giving advice on how to slim down a little girl to a woman who clearly has major, unresolved issues with food is quite the way to go. This is a deeply disturbing thread.

If not a health visitor, would you get advice from a paediatrician, or a GP? Just to be sure that it's an objective and reasonable concern that somebody who knows children's physiology well and doesn't have an ED themselves. Because it really is unusual to be worrying about a 3 year old's weight if they're generally eating healthily and are active. As you quite sensibly don't want to give her your issues, surely it's worth seeking that independent opinion?

Do not project or allow your ED to restrict your child’s diet and/or relationship with food. That is utterly cruel.

You have a long standing issue with food, weight and body image.

As a result, you cannot trust your own opinion on such matters. Surely you can understand this?

You need to go to your GP, be honest about your own issues and seek their guidance in relation to your daughter.

If you don't get independent, unbiased help, you are really risking your daughter's health, body image and confidence.

You may have valid concerns but you aren't able to have objective solutions.

You need to want better for your daughter than projecting your issues on to her.

I haven’t RTWT so sorry if I’m repeating but please remember children’s hunger & apetite is different from yours as as adult as they’re growing and their growth is in spurts.

So they’ll go through phases of being hungrier /eating loads, and then suddenly grow taller or have a developmental leap (which also affects what they eat).

Also children carry their weight differently so it’s very normal to have a tummy that sticks out more, rounder faces, rounded limbs etc (it’s cute!) but these different shapes are simply childlike bodies, your daughter sounds healthy.

Let her eat all the food her brother has, remind yourself food is fuel, food supports her growth and remember it’ll all work out as she grows older, it all sounds healthy what you’re eating.

My DS was very skinny at all ages; DD born larger, chubby at a few months old, lovely fat "bracelets". During teens both slim, very large appetites (DD for example could eat 12" pizza, medium whole bag of salad, good portion of chips), DS similar (probably more chips). DS at 20/25 very slim 6ft 2ins, DD size 10 and 5ft 8ins. This was a meal which was probably once in 1 or 2 months, but is the approximate amount for very active teens.

Never weighed either ever except as babies in clinic, very weak flavoured drinks (teaspoon of squash in large glass of water), lots of dairy and veg, little meat (very expensive), lots of fruit, only homemade cakes (lots), rarely sweets, always a proper homemade pudding.

Every child is an individual and their needs change daily. No discrimination between family members should occur.

OP, please remember that 3 year olds are still more or less in the toddler stage, so their body proportions are different to a school-aged child. I'm sure as she gets older she will 'stretch out'. It sounds like you are good at providing healthy food and exercise, so she will be fine. Please be aware that your E.D is affecting how you see things so try to switch off from worrying about her. She is more likely to be affected psychologically by picking up on your issues, than be affected by a bit of extra cheese. I realise this is easier said than done. All the best. x

Little children often do have protruding tummies because their abdominal muscle tone isn’t developed as yet and their intestines are very long in comparison to their short torso .
Plus the spine tends to curve in and the posture makes this look more exaggerated.
Also not unusual to swallow air when eating and get gassy and bloated .
I wouldn’t worry about her weight at that age or her tummy unless she’s showing other signs of a digestive disorder.
I didn’t allow my 3 children access to the fridge when they were that young as to be honest they’d have made a mess in the kitchen and food might get wasted .
If she’s genuinely hungry I’d think about maybe eggs for breakfast ?

Try protien for breakfast, carbs and sugar first thing won't be filling enough and spike cortisol levels

It's not cruel, OP has a MH disorder and can't help doing this. She needs therapy.

If your daughter's appetite is genuinely insatiable then you should go to your GP and look into Prader Willi syndrome.
If it doesn't seem excessive to that extent then I would bring her to a dietitian rather than a health visitor. They will look at calorie intake and nutrients and help support a balanced healthy diet for your daughter

Not true at all. Children go through different growth patterns. Children should not be discouraged from acknowledging their hunger and food should not be so controlled.

Totally sensible, but cut out the "shop stuff" and make your own, or toast and eggs, which are a better and more sustainable start to the day..

Quite simply, you can't really. I grew up with a dad with an ED and he mentions his / my weight every time I see him. It is one of the many reasons I have gone v low contact. I have lived my life feeling not good enough for my parents but through therapy in the last year or two have come to the realisation they were very much not good enough parents for me. Let your children find the right weight for them. And love them for who they are. Find beauty in them the way they are... for their sakes please. And get help for yourself. Being healthy is the most important thing x

@Mumtobabyhavoc My experience growing up was that the kids whose parents had crisps and biscuits in the house etc could take or leave them. Totally agree with you and I basically let my dd take food wherever she wants!

@Hhhwgroadk I laughed at your comment about your DD putting away the pizza. My dd is 7 and can eat a full 10 inch pizza to herself! I actually can’t fathom where it goes!

Unfortunately due to your own issues you are unable to have a rational
perspective on this and so you need advice from a doctor or medically qualified nutritionist. My dd is a chubby 3 yo, her older sister is rake thin. They have the same diet, some children for whatever reason are naturally skinny and some are not. Your posts are honestly worrying. 48kg is too thin unless you are 4ft tall so I would not suppose your own ed is well managed.