How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

You are absolutely giving her food issues already. Your thoughts on her weight as a 3yr old is extremely toxic. You need to speak with her pediatrician if you are really worried, but a toddler should not be on a diet.

You seriously don't seem to realize the damage you and your circle are doing to your children. Absolutely terrifying.

Yeah, that behavior is why people get their kids taken away. And rightfully so.

OP, I have a bit of experience in the area.
you need to show your daughter to the doctor. When such a little child is so overweight at this age, it is usually not a diet or lifestyle (unless something is seriously odd at the household - clearly not OP’s case), but something systemic in the body. There are treatments.

Put a child lock on the fridge. Give her loads of healthy food. Add fatty foods to your sons meals.

My mum did this with me. She was a size 24-26, I was a 12/14 and she spent all her time telling me how much bigger my shoulders were, my thighs, how petite other friends daughters were, how ugly I was, how my hair needed sorted, I needed a fringe for my receding hairline How glasses made me look awful, people were staring at my fat as my top rode up my back and on and on and on

she took me to weight watchers as a teenager. I’m now a size 16/18, petrified about breaking chairs/MRI machines/if I will fit in stuff/what I’m too heavy for and have had an ED most of my life

A 3 year old should not be going in the fridge.

Agree with others - address your ED first with professional help. A managed ED is not recovery. It sounds like the ED has just moved into obsessing and controlling your children's diets.

I don't think you can judge what is appropriate with their food - or what 'healthy' appetites and sizes are - until you address your own ideas about it.

OP, I have seven children. They are not all carbon clones of each other. The eldest was massively chunky as a baby/toddler right into childhood, but now as a teen is nothing but muscle thanks to the hobbies he does. The second has always been skinny despite having a fantastic appetite. The third has had a six pack since he was born.... Your daughter reminds me of my fourth, she loves her food and is always hungry but eats the healthiest out of everyone. She loves good, savoury food, wears clothes 1-2 years above her age and is active a lot of the time. Should I restrict her because she's not svelte? My fifth is a dot and still fits into clothes 1-2 years below her age, my sixth I think will be like my eldest as he's a sturdy, tall four year old and my seventh is small and petite at two. I do worry about my eldest daughters weight as I myself was an overweight child and had food issues. However, I am determined not to pass them onto any of my children. At three, your daughter is far too young to be worrying about food issues. Just keep offering healthy food, giving her plenty of time outside and love her regardless of her body shape.

Is it because it's fashionable to knock "professionals" and think the www is a better source of information (along with antivaxx)?

The professionals have many years of expertise, proven science, discussions on more advanced techniques etc that are far more valuable than "gossip".

Toddlers having a protruding belly is totally normal. My youngest tiny. On the 9th centile for bmi, still well below the limits for his infant car seat and wearing 9-12 months clothes at nearly two. And he still has a wee round belly and thigh rolls.

Keep feeding her a generally healthy diet and make sure she has loads of opportunities for active play and she’ll be fine.

I am also a controlled anorexic, OP, so I get it. I don't think it ever really leaves you. It's something I'll have to watch for the rest of my life.
Like you, I am constantly projecting positive messages about food and eating to my kids. Always aware of the way I speak about food, weight, different bodies. But the truth is, both you and I have disordered thinking about this. Our relationships with our bodies and food and fat are complex and unhealthy. And so, I've had to face that fact and accept that I can never really make a measured judgment about anyone's weight, because there's an element of dysmorphia about my thought process there. It isn't easy, especially as a parent, because you're so keen to protect and do right by your kids- but honestly, you're not the best person to judge this particular issue with regards to your child.

I would give a HV another chance, explain your ED history, and ask for a measured, balanced view on both the weight of your DS and DD. If you can't stand that, please plot their weights on the graphs, seeing what centile they're on, and learn how to make a judgment based on that.

Basically, OP, you can't rely on your judgment on this particular issue, and though that's hard to admit to yourself, it's a kindness to both you and your DC once you do face it.

My toddler was chubby at 3 years old and has naturally grown out of it by 4 years old. Toddlers often grow in spurts, and their bodies naturally hold onto baby fat before a sudden increase in height. They often have big, rounded bellies because their abdominal muscles are not yet fully developed.

??

It's nothing to worry about just give her healthy food when she is hounding for food. My daughter is diagnosed with autism and eats all day long. I just buy loads of apples, bananas, carrot, satsumas, cucumber and let her eat as much of it as she wants all day long. She is eating constantly. Give her stuff like carrot , cucumber and pepper sticks with hummus. Etc. As long as she is eating healthy foods, don't worry about her weight. She is 3.

I had an eating disorder pre kids and had a very chubby toddler, it never crossed my mind to limit her food or worry about her weight.

Absolutely no need to limit the food intake of a 3 year old if the food is healthy.

Plot her height and weight in the red book, the centiles should correlate, if they do I wouldn’t do anything (assuming she already has a healthy diet, multi vit and regular exercise). She may be coming up to a growth spurt, they tend to look a little chubby and then shoot up. She’s only a baby really.

Why?

Surely you just cut out the junk for all of them? They don’t need stuff like brioche and croissants, absolutely empty calories and zero nutritional values. Bananas, milk, cheese, eggs on toast - is the way to go for your lad who is struggling more and honestly I think maybe levelling out blood sugar would help your daughter; I am a ravenous pig if I eat simple carbs and have always made sure to limit them for my kids.

I had two skinny siblings growing up and hated it, i felt so fat beside them: I’d give them the same portions if that’s an issue but you can always get your daughter to move more if she’s energetic? So it doesn’t become an area of conflict?

Agree thast a three year old should not have access to all in fridge. Set out his lunch box of vegetable snacks and hoummus or a piece of cheese etc.

Even if she were not at all chubby ,I would be swapping the brioche for a wholemeal bread and I would be limiting the fruit snacks in exchange for beans, carrots, cucumber, bell peppers and other vegetables and salads. She is getting some fruit for lunch so you don't need to concentrate on that.

DD doesn't need juice at all, ever. Water is best and one or two glasses of milk per day. Eating the family meal at night is normal. To curb hunger you could swap to wholemeal pasta and brown rice and add more eggs into her weekend lunches.

Small children who eat a large range of cheese, vegetables, eggs, meat and fruit and who are active are rarely an unhealthy weight.

Limit the hidden sugars like juice and sweet bread and too many fruit snacks.
Provide water and offer water first as kids can mistake feeling thirst for hunger..

'clean' is such a red flag word here

I have a similar issue going on with my 2 daughters. My almost 5 year daughter is very thin and has no interest in food while my almost 3 year old loves her food and weighs more than her big sister. At first I worried about it and I would try to sneak my older daughter food to increase her calorie intake but I don't want to give either of them issues. They are both full of energy, happy and active and I am starting to accept that this is just them and their bodies. One thing I have found has helped with my younger daughter though is to focus on her activity levels rather than her food. I just make sure she is out and about playing and being physically active as much as possible. I think that's really important for them at that age, I notice that she looks slimmer when she is off nursery for holidays as they don't allow running in the nursery and only have a small outdoor space whereas when she is home we are out playing and she is running and climbing all the time. She quickly puts it back on when she's back to nursery again unfortunately but it signals to me that activity is the main issue.

That’s a good point - I hadn’t thought of it like that - it being hard to tease out what is reliable instinct and what is the ED. Commenters who’ve experienced ED are going to have much more of an informed perspective as to what the OP is asking. Hope you are in a better place with it all now @Franpie. 💐

What stands out to me (in a good way) is that most people on the thread are saying the OP would benefit from getting some proper support for herself, and getting professional advice if she is concerned about her daughter.

My DD was overweight as a toddler - she reached 20kg when she was 3 (though she was taller). She drank a lot of milk (and wouldn't drink water), so I watered it down. She drank the same volume of liquid, but with half the calories. Given she was getting a lot of her calories from milk at that stage (she really struggled with solids), it was an easy win; her weight actually dropped, which wasn't my aim, but she's been a healthy weight ever since.

I have a girl and boy and was amazed at how differently they have developed!

My daughter was always a super chubby toddler, at 98th percentile as a baby then it slowly came down naturally… after the age of 6-7 she suddenly started growing up and naturally becoming slim .
So don’t worry!
I have never denied her anything; cheese, puddings, crisps, sweets - always allowed after meals. She loves food and eats what she wants, she knows to stop herself when she feels full.

My son has always been wiry, muscular and skinny… same (lack of) rules.

If she is looking for food, she is hungry. Please do not deny her food - chubby bouncy toddlers are very normal , especially if they are girls.