How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

I have 3 adult children. 2 adopted and 1 birth. 2 of them are slim, 1 (adopted) has struggled with weight. Always ate more than the others and seemed to have an emotional connection to food. Her birth mother was the same. You have an emotional connection to food too just in the opposite way. She left for Uni at 18 overweight. She came back morbidly obese. Since then she has been on weightloss jabs and has lost 5 stone. She is the same weight she was at 15. She has another couple of stones to go. At 23 she is understanding her connection with food. I never spoke to her about her weight when she was a child and she was at the high end of normal until she became more in control of her own eating (high school/pocket money). Her weight skyrocketted at that point. It was hard for her to see the rest of us at a normal weight. We had a serious talk and she was desperately unhappy, tearful, hated herself and her body, desperate to sort her eating out and she said she had tried willpower, starving herself which led to even more bingeing and I felt I had to help. This was when she went onto injections. I think what I'm trying to say is that genetically some people seem to need more food than others. They need more food to feel satisfied. Please don"t deny her food that you give to your boy. Dont make her feel 'different'. Check her BMI on the quiet to make sure she actually is heavy, she might not be. See if she is inline with her birth percentile. Continue to let her eat healthy meals and the same snacks as her brother. Maybe keep a quiet eye as she grows. She might well even out. Kids tend to put on a bit then grow.

There are so many reasons why a little 3 year old judge be more chubby than her brother. She could be destined to be tall, she could be going through a growth spurt, she could have a different digestion etc. there are so so many reasons that are not connected to portion control. Please be incredibly careful about projecting your issues onto her, you are doing it even now without realising it.

If she comes and goes to the fridge put healthy snacks in there that are reachable, including protein like cooked chicken, ham etc. as well as veggies and fruits are these are so important in a diet too.

But please OP, don’t make a thing of her wanting/having a brioche or a biscuit or a yoghurt and reserving that for her brother. I really shudder at what kind of precedent you are setting. As she gets older it will not go unnoticed that her incredibly thin mother only lets her brother eat the “nice” food.

The 'nice' food, like brioche and sweet biscuits should be eaten by all children, but sometimes. Not every day for breakfast. She and her slim brother could have access to one or two sweet biscuits per sitting. Having other options, like non sweet bread and nuts, is healthy.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter I was always larger than my sister as a child. I'm a good 5" taller as an adult. My whole life, as I wasn't as thin as her, I was called fat. I wasn't. However it's a self fulfilling thing and yes, as an adult my weight blew out. You hear you are fat often enough and that is what you become. I've got terribly disordered eating as a result.

Stop being tyrannical about what a 3yo is eating. Certainly don't feed her differently to everyone else. Feed her age appropriate portions and don't carry on about her weight.

I'm actually marginally more concerned for the boy, who doesn't seem to enjoy his food, is underweight and getting filled up on croissants.

At least your DD is eating what she needs OP.

HRTFT

This makes me so sad. I am so happy you are in recovery. In the nicest possible way, unless your toddler has a shit diet, she is not overweight. Most toddlers have protruding stomachs and rolls of fat. It's normal! It's also normal.for your active 7 year old to have visable ribs! You should be able to see his ribs!

As lomg as they have a balances diet, and are active. They're both perfectly normal.

I am so sorry you have had shit HVs. But please ask for a new one, and engage.

Sending love x

I fear that your eating disorder is no longer under control; it has reared its head via your daughter. What size were you when you were her age?

What support would you have to help if your eating disorder was an issue for you?

your main focus needs to be on her developing a healthy relationship to her body and with food. I think denying her food or controlling it isn’t helpful.

If it reassures you my friends have two daughters. One was always super skinny. The other was solid. Really dense. Both are beautiful. The more dense one, now she’s growing up is much less dense and very similar to the older one as she’s got taller.

Food is fuel to help them to do what they need to do. Their bodies just carry them around.

I think that whilst you are maintaining your weight so as not to be too low, you have said yourself that your relationship with food, weight and body is still skewed. Your fears for your daughter are an AN legacy.

Let them both eat freely and enjoy food. Just keep unhealthy snacks out of the way. Keep the focus on enjoyment of life and food. You are focusing way too much on it by the sounds of it (understandably).

Poor bloody kids. I suggest you see a ED specialist for yourself and one of those useless Health visitors for your children, before you do your daughter irreparable damage.

I really think you need to pause for a moment here. From what you’ve said your DD is eating pretty healthily from meals. I don’t think having snacks now and then is terrible. I remember my DD putting on weight at that age and then stretching out, and then repeat. I think you are projecting a bit here and your perspective is a little skewed based on your experiences. If you are really worried, seek medical advice. If there are generally too many snacks in the house, limit them. Do not treat your 2 children differently as your DD is likely to feel punished for reasons she might not understand now but will later. My DD is 12 and very anxious about her body which is worrying me. In your shoes I’d do everything I can to make sure your DD is healthy and feels good about herself.

I'm sorry but at 3 she's not responsible for her food intake.
You are.

She's old enough to know not to go into the fridge.
If you need to, get a fridge lock.

You're being ruled by a child aged 3!

Also, even if your older son is hungry, croissants and refined carbs are not the way to go. He should be eating more protein and healthier snacks like fruit and plain yoghurt (no sugar in it.)

And yes, fat toddlers often turn into fat older children.
The number of obese kids leaving primary school is shocking.

We had this with dd. I couldn’t get her weight down despite being a very active child, doing some form of exercise daily and eating healthily. She slimmed right down after puberty. Unfortunately she developed an ED and became painfully thin and it was so bad I was scared I might lose her.

Dh was chubby as a child and lost weight throughout his teens and although my weight was within normal range as a child, I also lost a lot of weight at and post puberty.

Do be careful what you wish for. You really don’t want a child with an ED. It’s horrendous and as you still are very much in the grips of your ED, it will be very hard to deal with.

I have helped my dd’s friend, whose mum clearly has an ED and passed it onto her. She’s so lucky I have learned the skills for my child and could use them on her.

Please reach out for help.

I think the issue with the HV has more to do with the OPs history than concern for her daughter. I imagine the OP has had difficult conversations with HCP in the past and is worried that this might be the focus of any HV intervention or discussion.

The issue is the child helps herself aged 3 to food from the fridge when she's already had a decent meal.

That's ridiculous and bad parenting.
Not a history of ED or anything else.

Get a fridge door lock.

Stop feeding the other child refined carbs in between meals - sounds like he doesn't eat much at mealtimes and fills up on snacks.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter How long were you at the Royal Ballet School for?

Following your responses to see shes 17.7kg. My daughter turned 3 in December and last time she stood on the scales was 21.9kg so you really don’t need to worry. She sounds similar to your daughter, eats constantly and is always asking for food. She’s a lot more solid than some of her peers and has always been on or just over the 99th centile. She’s in age 5-6 clothes. I’m not stressed about it, me and her dad are tall and I know she will grow upwards and inwards. It’s just about forming healthy relationships with food at this age and limiting unhealthy snacks. Please do not give her different food to your son, I think that could be really damaging to her. Give them both the same snacks and treats at the same time.

Bread, rice, pasta, brioche, biscuits, juice, croissants. So many carby 'filler' foods - mostly sugar or food that the body immediately converts to sugar. The boy has the metabolism to burn it off but it's still not good for him long term. The girl is on a blood sugar rollercoaster which creates hunger and cravings.

She's raiding the fridge for the protein her body needs.

No mention of a vegetable anywhere. They need 5 a day plus whole grains and lean protein. Full fat dairy if they tolerate it.

Focus on health, not weight for now.

l would do nothing , unless your GP confirms she is seriously overweight. How big is her frame? Her being heavier than her brother is not necessarily wrong. You also admit to having considerable skin in the game- you need a qualified medical professional to confirm there is a problem before acting.

My dd has an ED. It does not sound as if op is in recovery.

A 3 year old child, fat , thin or somewhere in between shouldn't be going in the fridge and helping themself- they are 3, they are not aware of the consequences of actions- so no helping themselves.

Sadly some people are hungrier than others.....sad but true.
I was brought up with healthy foods, cooked from scratch, veggies, fruit, lean meats, wholegrains etc but also couldn't help eating sweets, chic, crisps to excess......the same applies decades later :(

This - your DD has a low NEAT score. Google that and up her activity level rather than restrict her food. I was a chubby pre-teen/teen and am still a size 8 now at 40odd after multiple kids. I was a UK size 4 in my twenties. Address the lack of activity rather than the food intake.

in ED recovery they encourage you to eat biscuits etc on the basis that you need calories. It sounds like you’ve applied this logic to your son and now you’re feeding them both absolute crap. this is neglectful. there’s no excuse for feeding children that young biscuits and croissants and brioche on a regular basis. Get rid of all the junk food and provide them with healthy fats and protein and the problem will go away with the next growth spurt.

It's the lower end of normal for a female who is 5ft2.

And "protruding stomach" is a common concern for ballet dancers. So even RBS is still very much there.