How to limit my daughter's food without giving her issues?

[Notmycircusnotmyotter]

Cards on the table - I have controlled anorexia. I'm a size 4-6 and I cannot help but see fat as bad and lazy: I know this is awful but it's what gymnastics and Royal ballet school and boarding school instilled in me. I never talk about my weight or body around my children.

At home everything is cooked from scratch and there's always chopped fruit available. And yet my daughter (3) is more than a little chubby - she weighs 4kg more than her 5 year old brother. I don't know how to tackle this without giving her my issues. She's too young to understand health and I don't want to mess up her body image. She's a big girl, she really is, and I'm aware that big kids become big adults and I don't want that for her.

is there a healthy way of fixing this?

Could it be boredom?

What kind of activities does she like?

She’s only 3 and DC can suddenly balance out due to growth spurts.

I don’t think you should be comparing them when they are 2 years different in age.

As long as DD is active and not showing health issues (such as lethargy - which might indicate need for blood tests) I wouldn’t be overly concerned.

(Edited last paragraph to correct DS to DD)

You can’t apply adult weight/dietary rules to a 3yo.

Your daughter’s body is totally separate from and utterly different from her brother’s.

Neither child has your mental health issues, which have impacted your body. They’re not hereditary. You haven’t passed them on. Your daughter is unencumbered by intellectual thoughts about her body. Both of your children sound like normal healthy children, the characteristics of which you may need to familiarize yourself with.

Leave her be. Let the child be the toddler she is and keep feeding her real food, in the right proportions, and not too much of it. 17.7kg at 93cm is not in the worrisome range.

I think op the issue here is that you're equating body shape with health and they're not the same. My 3 year old is wearing size 5 clothes, he's a sturdy boy but he's really tall and he's not overweight. He's super active and is definitely healthy.

At that age, I would be more concerned from a health perspective about a child who is under eating than a child who eats a lot as long as it's healthy food and reasonable portions.

You say your ED is controlled because you restrict how low you allow your weight to get, but (as I know I don't really need to tell you) it's so much more than that and arguably the dangerous part is actually the thought patterns around food and weight than anything else. Are you receiving support with that aspect because it does sound like you're working hard to manage things and you deserve to have support with that. Especially because there's no trigger for old wounds like becoming a mother! What you don't want is to end up with a bit of a fixation on your dd and what she eats because her body type, shape and appetite are so different to what you have got used to? i grew up with that and honestly it was super toxic and it did give me real issues around food and diet and i struggled with being very restrictive.

Making such a distinction in what both kids have access to, i think is honestly problematic - especially in terms of 'treat' food. I totally get you feel you need to up your sons intake but have you been told to do that by the gp and got advice on how best to do that or is that you just going on what you're seeing and your own gut? It might be better to increase your dds exercise rather than restrict her food. It sounds like you work hard to provide a really good, varied and healthy diet for them both so that's why I'm not sure restricting is needed at all.

You clearly care a lot about your kids and are a very invested parent and it sounds like you're doing great. I found kids eat in colour on Instagram a great source of balanced information around kids diet, particularly around how to help kids have healthy, positive attitudes towards food and how to support picky eaters. Might be worth a look?

Also just to add, ds sometimes will get a little belly on him and then he usually stretches out and it goes again. Very common in that age for their shape to vary depending on their growth cycle.

GP won't confirm she's overweight, 17.7kg is within the normal range on WHO chart.

She’s young and eating a healthy diet, so you don’t need to address that. Create more opportunities for running about but the risk of passing on your ED is such that it is safer to put this out your head entirely.

A brioche for breakfast, a sandwich/wrap made with supermarket bread for lunch and white pasta for dinner, washed down with diluted juice all day, is not even close to a healthy diet for a young child. (Or anyone.) Giving the skinny one the same + biscuits and more pastry is even worse.

I swear most of Mumsnet is still stuck in the 1980s when it comes to this stuff.

When using the WHO growth charts to analyse a child’s height and weight, particularly a toddler or older child, it’s less about wether they’re in a ‘normal’ range and more about wether they’re roughly following the same line. So being at either extreme of the chart isn’t necessarily a worry as long as they’re consistently there. But if they go from the 50th up to the 98th for example, or down to the 2nd, then that would be a cause for concern.

Although as op hasn’t been engaging with the health visitor it’s unlikely she has a log of where her dd has been tracking on the growth charts so it’s not much use to her.

'I don't eat'... How sad. Your child is a healthy toddler who enjoys her food. You don't seem to enjoy food at all, rather, you avoid it. Feel happy that your child has a better relationship with food than you do.

'No one in my circles engage with health visitors'

• No-one? That's unusual.

Is this because they are poor quality in your area (the one you spoke too sounded poor)?

Or are you in some kind of community/friendship group which discourages engagement with health services?

I think you should talk to the GP.

This!

If you’re worried get both your DC checked by your GP.

Don’t let your 3 yr old ransack your cupboards or fridge for food - they shouldn’t be able to do this without you noticing?

Children alternate between growing up and out. Their musculature is still developing. This means at times they may look chubby - and then the next month they’re skinny with gangly arms and legs. Your children are tiny - and you are already obsessing over their weight. You are going to cause real harm if you continue like this but what’s worrying is that you can’t seem to see it’s a manifestation of your own ED.

Depriving a child of foods because they’re “fat” while allowing their sibling delicious snacks because they’re “skinny” is a direct route to disordered eating. They need the right portion sizes but keeping treat foods off-limits for one is a disastrous approach.

Feed them a healthy, balanced diet and get the right level of exercise- be aware that it’s possible for a child to do too much exercise (it harms their muscles/bones). That’s all you need to do. If there’s an ongoing and persistent trend for your child to be overweight then get professional advice. With your ED I’m not sure it will ever be safe for you to put either of your DC on a restricted diet.

I can’t say strongly enough that the shape you are describing for your toddler is entirely normal.

Also, the fact you have such strong opinions about the weight of your toddler really doesn’t suggest you’re on top of your ED. Your weight might be within acceptable limits but there’s more than one way for your illness to manifest. I think you need some help now, for the sake of your children.

Oh, jesus christ give it a bloody rest with the sanctimony. 🤦‍♀️ Levelling nothing but criticism at a vulnerable OP reaching out here is not helpful in the least. The OP does not sound neglectful. On the contrary, she sounds very concerned and it is obvious she cares for her children or she wouldn't have posted here (of all places). She sounds misguided. You sound mean.

Unless you are a registered dietician or paediatrician you should have taken a moment to reflect on your words before you pressed send.

My 3 year old was the same height and weight earlier this year and we engage with our HV - she’s in proportion. Let your daughter eat

edited to add that that toddlers/pre schoolers internal organs are large to fit inside their abdomen therefore most have little sticky out tummy’s at this age

Stop all the snacks other than one a day.
Stop buying ‘meaty sticks’ whatever they are.
just feed them three healthy meals a day which are balanced with protein, carb and vegetables. Make sure they ate eating 4/5/6 portions of fruit and veg a day. Only water to drink.

Then do / think no more. This is all they need!

This contradicts what you've said before though. You're talking about brioche, croissants, biscuits, cheese and meat sticks available from the fridge... Either those things are available in the house or they are not.

The distinction you're making between your children is not appropriate at all at that age.
They might have different body types, but your son doesn't need "enriched food" because he is naturally skinny at 5yo, unless he has known deficiencies flagged by health professionals.
And your 3yo shouldn't be helping herself with food in the fridge! Or be told that her brother can eat biscuits because he's skinnier!

I agree with others that you need more help. I don't engage with HVs either. But a pediatric dietician could help you with some guidelines to follow for your kids, and reassure you regarding portion size and kids morphology.

Children stretch out a lot at 4, many 3 year olds are chubby. That said, her diet sounds extremely carby, which is essentially sugar. Give her more protein and healthy fats (ancestral type foods) and that will make her feel full rather than constantly seeking sugar, then you won’t have to limit her diet. Giving food like croissants to help your son put on weight doesn’t sound like a good strategy for either child.

Our three year olds are the same size and there is no way I would be treating mine like this! Mine is definitely on the upper end of the scale and has plotted on the 91-95th percentile for weight since a few weeks old. Also EBF and co-slept and I have another smaller child. I have spoken to the HV who said that as long as weight plots along the same line, that they’re active and having a balanced diet, it’s fine. Your daughter has her own build and appetite and intervening in this will cause issues. They’re great at self regulation, you should provide a healthy diet and watch her grow! I really do think your own issues are clouding your judgement here and getting external professional support would be the best thing for you all.

Children of mothers that restricted food intake in 2nd or 3rd trimester are heavier than children of others that ate well. This effect continues through to the children of these children ie the grandchildren of the restricting mothers. Your children may well be bigger people - certainly bigger than you at any rate - as a direct result if your anorexia.

Er… I’m glad you are not my mum.

If true, how does your post help OP? 🤦‍♀️

I let him have biscuits and croissants but she really doesnt, then she gets sad... its hard because he's insanely skinny and she's polar opposite.

this is fucking horrific. I’ve read biographies from people who were treated very differently from their siblings, they noted how the favoured ones got the ‘good food’ and the ‘treats’ and they were left out. The kind of mental damage this could do is awful.

I was a middle child, larger than my two skinny siblings, note larger, not fat. I wasn’t treated differently and was given the same food but I was acutely aware that I was, next to them, big. It made me miserable all without well meaning parents restricting my food! I’m an adult with a bmi of 18.5 so big children don’t always grow into big adults.

Well it will help her dc hopefully if op realises she very likely to cause an eating disorder in her daughter?

Sorry. That was v blunt and thoughtless. I was doing too many things at once.

I am a recovered anorexic and so i have done a bit of reading. I thought it helps because it indicates her daughter’s appetite is normal - for her daughter - even if other children eat less. A huge range of factors, including epigenetic, influence appetite and weight. I am not saying that the children of mothers that restricted food in pregnancy are doomed to obesity - just that there is research to suggest that they have greater appetites than average. I understand that it is not what the OP wants to hear in this moment, but thought it might be useful nonetheless and, long term, lead to a place of acceptance. Bodies come in all shapes and there is nothing inherently better about a smaller body.

You need to stop catastrophising. Being overweight is not ideal at any age, but there are far worse things a three-year-old could be than slightly chubby. And give your children a protein-based breakfast. It takes literally minutes to cook some eggs.

Stop weighing her. You need help from a real life person who can look at her objectively e.g. the GP.