I absolutely lost it at our 15 yo this evening. Need a handhold.

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been through years of hell with our 15 yo ds. He has always been horribly rude and explosive, and after a few incidents last year which involved physical aggression towards us we pursued a diagnosis of adhd. He was diagnosed and is medicated, but we still went through hell after that with him vaping at school, getting in trouble and hanging around with the awful trouble making kids.
Since September his behaviour at school has been a lot better but he still talks to us like dirt most days. The amount of blow up arguments over his rudeness and attitude we have had is insane. It’s got to the point where sometimes me and dh don’t want to live anymore. I’ve started self harming and dh is having awful stomach trouble and even vomited the other day through stress. Years and years this has been all piling on top of us. It’s too much.

and then at the end of last week ds started talking to this girl who is a friend of a friend at another school and they became ‘together’ despite having never met. I then checked his phone as I do occasionally and found she had been sending him explicit photos much to his delight.

Fast forward to today. He send me a text saying can he meet her after school for half an hour. her school is nowhere near his so there’s no reason that would be possible so I was suspicious. PLus naturally I wasn’t happy about the photos so I wasn’t keen for him to go off and meet her. So I said no just come home please. However he didn’t come home for another 25 mins and it turned out he was hanging around with one of the douche bags from his school who had a managed move to another school recently because his behaviour was so bad. When he came in it all got heated and his attitude was appalling, he was muttering ‘whatever’ and other rude things under his breath while we were talking to him. It all escalated to the point where I burst into tears and told him straight up that both me and his dad’s mental health is majorly suffering because of his rudeness and behaviour and neither of us want to live with someone who makes the house into a miserable stressful mess.

he went quiet after that and apologised. I’ve put him on a phone ban and he’s quietly sitting doing his homework while I try to stop crying.

I grew up in a horrendous violent situation as a kid and spent every day terrrified of my parents. I fear because of that I’ve been too soft on him.

i often feel l am constantly failing and like they’d be both better off without me. Please help.

What an absolute load of nonsense.

You are definitely allowed and its great that you did. It also sounds like it hit home which is a good sign.

I agree with other posters that there are good signs in his behaviour hidden amongst the bad, too. I think he must be suffering very badly with his ADHD and really struggling and this is the root cause of everything. I bet there is a really good kid in there.

I have to be honest though, you and your H sound like you really need help with mental health as self harming and vomiting through stress are not coping strategies. I had a home situation that gave me CPTSD so believe me I understand how things can get to feel this way, but you have to take control, stop being reactive, get proactive in safeguarding your mental health, and in turn that will be better for everyone. Its what I did and its the only way to deal with these kinds of situations.

You all need coping strategies for the ADHD too. It could even be that you and your son work on this together.

Late diagnosed ADHD is so difficult to deal with for a child and for a parent because people find it difficult to draw a line and move forward without blame for the past and, honestly, that is what is required.

for all your DS’s life he’s been told off for thing that felt natural to him and he’s felt like a failure for not being able to be normal. This causes a very negative internal sense of self which, coupled with teenage hormones, is a nightmare to deal with for him and for you.

I think you said you were also recently diagnosed with ADHD and if so the same will also be true for you, your sense of self is rearranging itself too.

i found this the hardest part when we finally got diagnoses in our household especially because I still had to be the adult in the situation.

one thing that has helped us all navigate this situation in our house is the absolute agreement with the mantra ‘your feelings are valid but your behaviour is not’. ADHD emotions can be overwhelming and feel out of control but that isn’t an excuse to hurt or harm and everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

another thing is having a short memory which might sound crazy but not holding grudges, not punishing previous behaviours or making decisions based on pre diagnosis presentation has helped us all to move forward more successfully and find our way through the initial post diagnosis stage.

Its hard but it will get easier as everyone comes to understand their own and each others needs following their fairly recent diagnoses.

How is this utter claptrap helping anybody?

Another book to consider - ‘Curious Not Furious’ by Alison Rendle and Kit Messenger. Really helped me understand the teenage brain and consider my reactions. Now in a much better place.

If Mumsnet posts are this triggering I really urge you to seek help Op. Please go see your GP. I think the idea of family therapy sounds great too. You and DH need support. And it will help your DS too who sounds like he has some very good qualities, just needs direction.

OP can I ask why you didn’t want him meeting this girl/facilitating it to meet her in a safe way?

If my DD was speaking to a random boy online, then I would absolutely want her to meet him.

Not only so we can see that he’s real but that so I know she’s not going to sneak off and do it and put herself in danger.

Your getting a hard time on here and I can tell your at rock bottom, I don’t have much advice apart from being a tricky teenager who pushed the boundaries and I came out the other end… I’m neurotypical so that wasn’t a factor. I’ve also said things to my now 21 year old that would have the pearls clutched to within an inch of their life on here. Nothing wrong with telling him how he is affecting you and your husband. Just keep going, dig deep he will come through these teenage years…

How did you get that from my post?

OP - something else worth saying is that parenting is hard on a practical level and when you have ADHD it is so much harder. The efforts you have had to go to, to make sure your children have had a solid and predictable home life despite your ADHD, are hard to overestimate.

If you are like me, round about now when your kids are 15 - you just are exhausted. There is nothing left in the tank, the motor is broken. This is when the emotional stuff hits hard - you feel that you have given SO MUCH to parenting and it hasnt' been enough, you are both ashamed at having failed and angry at the fact that your huge huge efforts to be like other parents have not been taken into account.

Honestly, I really feel your pain, but it can all be repaired, I promise.

If you're anything like me this will also involve an autopsy on your own relationship and why you were left to do the majority of the woman-parent work and the general domestic shitwork and the mental load, when a. that's unfair and exploitative and effectively misogynistic and b. it was probably clear that you were spectacularly poorly equipped to take on this already deeply inequitable burden. But you did it anyway, because female socialisation. And now your motor has broken.

Nothing is wrong with it.

He needs to know what he is doing. I'm surprised you haven't already told him.

Aw OP, sounds like he needed a reality check on how his behaviour is affecting you.
You were right he shouldn’t be meeting a stranger (and not a girlfriend like others are suggesting). Hope you are feeling a little better now 💐

You need to have a serious talk with him about the photos. If she is also under age, that's child porn. If he's forwarded them to anyone he could be in serious trouble.
The girl in question also needs reporting/supporting. Are you sure she's real and it's not a cat fish?

This is ridiculous. OP is the parent. She is paying for the phone (and the roof over his head for that matter). She is his legal guardian. She has every right to check his phone if she deems it necessary.

My son was like this and worse at 15, and pretty much til he moved out at 18. He is now 23 and for the past 3 years has been back to being the loveliest, kindest lad you could imagine.

Like you, I was totally at the end of my tether. It is so hard, you're doing your best but can't get through. Things I have learned:

When my son was being hellish it was because he was very unhappy. He wouldn't have said so at the time but has since.

There's no point trying to have a conversation with a stressy teen, trying to use some humour to defuse the situation and discussing the behaviour at a later date when it isn't so personal helps - when driving so no eye contact is good.

Pick your battles. Don't let the small stuff wind you up.

15 year old lads are trying to assert themselves as young men. You have to give them a way to back down while saving face.

Get help for yourself - seeing a counsellor really helped me as she helped me understand my son was in pain and it wasn't personal.

Hang in there x

This - seems weirdly controlling to not let a 15 year old meet a friend for half an hour after school, unless you actually have reason to think they will be having sex or taking drugs or something.

You seriously think it is controlling not to let a kid meet a stranger he has never met before, that you, the parent do not know, all you DO know is that this person has sent your son explicit photos that are not legal to send, nor are they legal for him to have?

Really?

@MoSalahsBeard Have you actually explained to him WHY you are reluctant for him to meet this person, what the risks you fear actually are?

Not your fault, but sounds like the balance between parents and child is way off here and he's been allowed to rule the roost. I'm afraid to say that this ADHD diagnosis will only have fuelled his terrible behaviour as it gives him a template excuse, not aware that ADHD turns you violent and verbally abusive?

If I spoke to or acted like that towards my parents I'd have got a swift smack in the mouth and removal of literally all privileges indefinitely. Don't advocate that as it's extreme, but his actions need to have more severe and if necessary indefinite consequences. Stop doing anything at all for him and he'll learn some respect soon enough. Wouldn't cook for him, wash his clothes or anything. If he's such a big I am he can do it himself can't he

You haven’t failed op, he’s 15 and he’s being rude. It’s draining and exhausting but there are far far worse things he could be doing. He’s also telling you what he’s doing and where he’s going, he’s doing his homework and he’s choosing to spend time with you. I don’t think it’s as bad as it feels to you right now. You sound exhausted and I think you might benefit from individual and some family therapy. You obviously need some support either way and that’s ok. Try take a breather tonight, and start as fresh as you can do tomorrow.

You seriously think it is controlling not to let a kid meet a stranger he has never met before, that you, the parent do not know, all you DO know is that this person has sent your son explicit photos that are not legal to send, nor are they legal for him to have?

I think people are minimising this issue of the photos. I think op should report it to her son's school as a safeguarding issue. Both the girl and op's son need to be made aware of how serious it is.

You're doing your best and I say this trying to be kind. But stop doing all of those things for him as a consequence for his behaviour. Over months he will need to earn those rights back. Otherwise you are simply rewarding terrible behaviour. Time for the stick, carrots rarely work

Both the girl and op's son need to be made aware of how serious it is.
The op doesn't know who the girl is or if indeed it is a girl at all. All she knows is that she is a 'friend of a friend at another school' - allegedly, whom her son has never actually met. And he is being sent explicit naked pictures by this person.
@MoSalahsBeard - has he sent her explicit photos? Has he distributed the photos he received?

Pick your battles.

It’s ok to say that what he is doing is disrespectful, unacceptable and will have consequences but to tell a teen that their behaviour is impacting your mental health is just not good parenting.

I understand how an ADHD teen can drive you to the edge of sanity but you can’t put that on them.

Hi OP, parenting an ADHD teen is like parenting on hard mode. A lot of people who frequent AIBU won't understand this. I would strongly suggest picking up "How Not To Damage Your ADHD Adolescent" by Sarah Templeton and maybe take a gander at Allison Solomon's instagram, she posts some worthwhile ADHD parenting tips.