I absolutely lost it at our 15 yo this evening. Need a handhold.

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been through years of hell with our 15 yo ds. He has always been horribly rude and explosive, and after a few incidents last year which involved physical aggression towards us we pursued a diagnosis of adhd. He was diagnosed and is medicated, but we still went through hell after that with him vaping at school, getting in trouble and hanging around with the awful trouble making kids.
Since September his behaviour at school has been a lot better but he still talks to us like dirt most days. The amount of blow up arguments over his rudeness and attitude we have had is insane. It’s got to the point where sometimes me and dh don’t want to live anymore. I’ve started self harming and dh is having awful stomach trouble and even vomited the other day through stress. Years and years this has been all piling on top of us. It’s too much.

and then at the end of last week ds started talking to this girl who is a friend of a friend at another school and they became ‘together’ despite having never met. I then checked his phone as I do occasionally and found she had been sending him explicit photos much to his delight.

Fast forward to today. He send me a text saying can he meet her after school for half an hour. her school is nowhere near his so there’s no reason that would be possible so I was suspicious. PLus naturally I wasn’t happy about the photos so I wasn’t keen for him to go off and meet her. So I said no just come home please. However he didn’t come home for another 25 mins and it turned out he was hanging around with one of the douche bags from his school who had a managed move to another school recently because his behaviour was so bad. When he came in it all got heated and his attitude was appalling, he was muttering ‘whatever’ and other rude things under his breath while we were talking to him. It all escalated to the point where I burst into tears and told him straight up that both me and his dad’s mental health is majorly suffering because of his rudeness and behaviour and neither of us want to live with someone who makes the house into a miserable stressful mess.

he went quiet after that and apologised. I’ve put him on a phone ban and he’s quietly sitting doing his homework while I try to stop crying.

I grew up in a horrendous violent situation as a kid and spent every day terrrified of my parents. I fear because of that I’ve been too soft on him.

i often feel l am constantly failing and like they’d be both better off without me. Please help.

It’s a good thing that’s he’s got a girlfriend.

He was honest and asked to meet this girl and you said no anyway, so what’s the point in him trying? You need to pick your battles to some extent, his request and even getting with a girl he doesn’t no isn’t bad behaviour or unusual. And his ADHD isn’t his fault any more than yours. If his ‘bad’ side makes you want to harm yourself, how do you think it makes him feel? He absolutely does need strict boundaries but you and your DH need support to get the best out of him and support managing your mental health. It’s a crap situation for all 3 of you.

He’s had other girlfriends that he could meet and spend time with no problem. He’s never met this one though and she’s sending him explicit photos. We don’t even know that she is who she says she is. Hence I’m not joyfully sending him off to meet her.

no he didn’t just say whatever under his breath. We tried to talk to him for half an hour about the girl and the bad kids at school and he talked to us back like absolute dirt.

Blimey don’t t feel sorry for this outburst, sounds like it has been long overdue.
An occasional ‘blow up’ won’t hurt him and he has to see how others are affected by HIS behaviour.
Your feelings are just as valid as his and tiptoeing around him has just enabled him to carry on being unpleasant.
The fact he went quiet and then apologised shows he is capable of being considerate.
You probably have been too soft on him because of your own childhood experiences but he has no respect for you or his father and that is the problem.
Put on your big girl pants and parent with a bit of tough love. Firm but fair will be the way forward.
Good luck!

Does he pay the OPs phone bill?

Does the OP have explicit images of a child on her phone that could get her arrested if found? 🤷‍♀️. More parents should be checking their children’s phone rather than burying their heads in the sand

Wow some replies on here and sending me over the edge.

Kindly, no. You're his safe space he doesn't have to mask at home. He's only recently learned the cause of many of his problems.
If you're saying "it's very upsetting when you speak to me like that, I have feelings too" is different to "I don't want to live and I'm self harming".
Seek help from others - there are sometimes support groups for parents in your area (check Facebook) or through your GP.

My eldest daughter was like this i think we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with her but my god was it hard i tried so hard to be calm and understanding but there was definitely times I lost it with her. Don't be hard on yourself you're trying your best

You will also experience rejection sensitive dysphoria OP which affects your responses

This kid has been absolutely showered with love, attention and affection his entire life. Some people on here are talking to me like I am some cruel virgin suicides type mother who won’t let him have a girlfriend or see friends. What the hell!

Ok you’re getting the wrong end of the stick.

1. we have had that conversation with him about 800 times

and 2) I didn’t tell him I was suicidal or self harming. I just said our mental health was suffering.

OP, sorry to add to your worries but you really need to take action about the photos. That can get him into serious trouble, plus your husband if you have eg shared cloud storage

Nah. Of course you can talk about the impact he’s having on you. Parents are human beings not robots and he’s old enough to understand that his actions impact on other people. He is not a toddler.

Honestly this gentle tippy tappy scared-of-upsetting-them parenting has landed us all in the shite with these kids. The real world will not be kind to them.

@MoSalahsBeard I had a bit of a breakdown a few months ago at my daughter. I don't even think it was necessarily a breakdown, more finally telling her the things I thought you weren't supposed to tell your kids.

She's 17 and frankly, was horribly unpleasant to me in particular. I will say that after I gave her a few home truths about her behaviour and the way she was treating me, we actually had a bit of a breakthrough and she's been a lot better.

All this to say that sometimes, they just need to be bloody well told what their behaviour is doing to us. We're parents, yes, but we're people too and I think our kids forget that sometimes. It might have done your ds the world of good to see the impact he's had. Teenagers are mind-bendingly good at not seeing past their own noses.

The photos are tricky. Because my first instinct is horror that he has them, especially since he has poor impulse control. I have a ND son the same age as yours (AuDHD) and I don't really do phone checks but we have an extremely open and honest household here so they know that I can check any time but am trusting them not to have to. It's worked for us.

I think this is a fair and balanced response.

He’s a teenager, you’re the adult.
he apologised to you and went and did homework……. Fair play to him. Many teenagera wouldn’t even have done that. 15 year old boys and girls have difficult times as do parents but I don’t think you did him any favours blaming him for or indeed telling him about your mental health problems.
Regarding the photos, he does need to be made aware that he could get into trouble with “the authorities”
Honestly, you will laugh at this one day - might not feel like it now but you all will.

Don't feel bad. At 15, he is old enough to know the full impact his behaviour had on others. Although done in the heat of the moment, I think it needed to happen.

Hi, I have a ND DS14 and have been through very similar with him (albeit without the bad attitude, although that's been there at times). The thing that has helped me most is spending really quality time with my DS, doing things he enjoys (usually involves food), but anything to just have time together without any pressure. ie stopping the battles. It's hard not to try to nag and try to control but it's worth it. I have had to accept he'll do things I'm not happy about but we have compromises. (Eg he hangs around a park til late with his mates, my deal is he stays in touch and I pick him up at an agreed time). I have to parent him completely differently to my DD17. It's been a tough journey, but getting into his world, rather than trying to get him to live my way, has reaped so many rewards. Hang in there, it's bloody tough. You clearly care a lot so that alone makes you a good mum x

Has the friend at school actually met this girl? Or is that just a phone friendship too - because it might just be someone trying to groom him.

How old is the girl that’s sending him photos? He needs to be very careful there. Also I think he needed to hear that you’re at breaking point.

You did nothing wrong.

He needs to know his behaviour has consequences.

I really feel for you OP.

People on here are always saying how “natural consequences” are the best type of parenting/discipline. Well sometimes the natural consequence of being a pain in the arse is people shout at you and tell you off!

Does he understand the consequences of instigating and receiving photos of naked children? (Assuming she's underage).

I think it's really important for you to get some help with your mental health. It's worth acknowledging to yourself that your poor mental health is almost certainly down to your traumatic childhood and undiagnosed ADHD rather than your son's fairly normal teen behaviour and something strangers on the internet have said.

You don't self harm because your teenager is rude and hard work. You're not close to the edge because some people on Mumsnet are unhelpful. It goes back way further than that, which I think probably know deep down.

Your teenager sounds like a pain in the arse, but so are many, many teenagers. Get help for your issues first and that will put you in a much better place to support him in dealing with his.

Do warn him not send photos of his own - blackmailing is rife. Add that he can tell you if he gets blackmailed.